Is a New Dr. Mario in the Works? Because Nintendo is PUTTING ON A CLINIC

If you missed the Nintendo/Let’s Play uproar this week, the outrage has been hilarious. Here’s the background:

1. YouTube was sharing ad money with people who posted videos of themselves playing Nintendo games.
2. Nintendo intervened so that YouTube no longer pays money to those people.
3. TOTAL INTERNET DRAMA

In the explosion of commentary (you’re reading some now!), there has been some fact-based reporting:

“The act is common for publishers like Activision, Electronic Arts, and Square Enix”
-Danny Cowan, Joystiq

Some armchair strategy from people who don’t work in the advertising business:

Homemade videos about gaming are about the best ads a company like Nintendo could hope for.
-Joe Mullin, Ars Technica

And a heartfelt airing of grievances from Zack Scott, who is no longer making as much money from his homemade YouTube videos:

I won’t be playing their games. I won’t because it jeopardizes my channel’s copyright standing and the livelihood of all LPers.
-Zack Scott, Facebook (emphasis added)

I would submit that Zack Scott and the “Let’s Play” enthusiasts (LPers) whose livelihoods are being threatened by this development were not using a very sound business model in the first place.

And while the future of consoles looks bleak, I don’t think we are at the catastrophically dire point where these YouTube videos are “the best ads… Nintendo could hope for.” For every one video that is well done and shows a game in a positive light, there are going to be a hundred that have poor sound quality, terrible editing, and/or commentary that is in complete opposition to Nintendo’s family-friendly image. Just because a single well-done video could help them IN THEORY, they should completely give up control over when and how the images from their games are used?

If Nintendo doesn’t act to establish a precedent, they will be screwed if they try to defend themselves against something objectionable that shows up in the future. “Your honor, Nintendo KNEW about these YouTube videos for years and did NOTHING, which is why my client should be allowed to [...]”

But when it comes to legal analysis, I’m going to defer to Greg Lastowka, co-director of the Rutgers Institute for Information Policy and Law. He makes a point that everyone else has ignored:

YouTube should really be front and center in this dispute. Consider: YouTube created the various “livelihoods” at stake by starting its Partner Program; YouTube orchestrates and directly profits from the advertising monetization of Let’s Play videos; it is YouTube’s Content ID technology that is helping Nintendo to locate gameplay videos; and finally, Nintendo could never have usurped Zack Scott’s ad revenue streams if YouTube didn’t enable that action. YouTube is smack in the middle of this dispute, and it is playing on both sides of the field.
-Greg Lastowka, GamaSutra

There’s anger because Youtube thought it was a good idea to give people some money, and they don’t think that anymore. Zack says that fans want to hear his commentary and see how he reacts to certain parts of a game, but they aren’t the ones who were paying him. Zack and the others produced a bunch of content on spec, and those bets stopped paying off. If these people want to receive payment for the time spent recording, editing, and producing their videos, then they should get jobs as video editors. 

It’s not even clear that Nintendo is now receiving payment for these videos. They may only be exerting control over what ads are seen by viewers, which makes sense in a “these are people interested in Nintendo games, so let’s show them things they can buy” kind of way. It’s refreshingly clear-eyed and strategic thinking from a company that — only a few months ago — was desperately trying to convince the public that it’s latest console wasn’t some kind of software upgrade.

The Cave made me ask a few questions about modern adventure games — questions like “What are modern adventure games?”

The answer to that question is “definitely not The Cave.”

At its start, The Cave seemed like a brilliant thing: seven characters, delving into a sentient cave to explore their darkest secrets in its depths. It quickly became an exercise in monotony.

What happened? Micro-management happened, courtesy of a broken inventory system. You control 3 characters at a time, but each character can only carry one item. There is a lot of switching between characters to shuffle items around, and you end up doing a lot of backtracking… or maybe catch-up tracking?

This was tolerable at first, but the amount of time spent managing the three characters and their items quickly eclipsed the amount of time spent actually solving puzzles. I play adventure games to have my mind challenged, but I prefer challenges that don’t revolve around finding the quickest way to trade items back and forth.

The Cave delivers a few moments of classic adventure gaming, but they don’t last long and they don’t provide very challenging puzzles. Mostly, they just give you a glimpse of what The Cave could have been.

The Cave also has problems with its platforming elements. The Cave won’t let you die, so negotiating platform-based challenges has no sense of danger and requires no skill. The hybrid just doesn’t take, and it starts to feel pointless quickly.

I wish I could stop listing this game’s faults, but I also had a problem with its puzzles. The ones that weren’t character specific provided challenges in a few instances, but in other cases they were downright broken.

Seriously, I left one of my characters in a strange location, and it changed the how the entire puzzle worked. What? It’s like they ran out of time to craft an actual solution and had to throw something together to let you pass — and instead of giving you clues to figure it out, they just expected you to Google it.

After your first playthrough, you are given the option to pick three more adventurers to take into The Cave. I sat staring at the start screen and its seven potential stories for quite some time. And you know what? I didn’t want to choose any of them.

That was a painful revelation. I have a deep respect for Ron Gilbert, and I tried to talk myself into thinking that The Cave was good. But no matter how hard I tried, it just never popped for me. There is some witty writing here that is undermined by mediocre play mechanics and middling puzzle designs.

The most engaging part of The Cave lies in imagining what it could have been. The idea was great, but would have worked better with Day of the Tentacle-style mechanics.

Regrettably, The Cave is not an adventure you should take.

Was your time in The Cave more favorable than mine? Leave a comment below, or hit me up on twitter and tell me about it. Don’t forget to join the Did Not Finish Facebook page. Also, feel free to Email me. If you are on Raptr  look me up.

Playing – Brutal Legend (Steam)
If you are not aware, the Humble Bundle is running a Double Fine pack. If you pay above the average, you get Brutal Legend. So far I am having some fun. I would be having a lot more fun, but I learned a dirty secret about Double Fine games on the PC. They are locked to 30 frames a second. This may not sound important, but when you have gotten use to 60 plus frames a second while playing a game, this 30 thing makes your eyes say, “WOAH there! What is going on? Is there something wrong with the video card?” At first I thought something was wrong with the video card. Soon I found out there was nothing wrong with the video card. Furthermore, the game has some slowdown issues. All of this combined makes for some pretty choppy visuals. But, the game ROCKS! Literally. If you like Heavy Metal, then Brutal Legend has some treats for your ears.

And I just met Lemmy in the game. I don’t think I will ever get to meet Lemmy for real. So, I will take this meeting as an honor.

Playing – Sleeping Dogs (Playstation 3)
Grand Theft Auto Hong Kong. That is not really being fair to Sleeping Dogs, but at the same time, it is kind of true. I ran around for a bit kicking people in the face, throwing them into fans, and causing general killing. Seeing how you are an undercover cop this seems to go against what being a police officer is. I am confused by this. Oh well — an open world Hong Kong fascinates me. So I will stick with it a while longer. But, I have this creeping feeling that I am opening the Grand Theft Auto IV (that game is terrible) can of worms.

Playing – FTL (Steam)
I decided to add some frustration and aggravation back into my life. Enter FTL, the game I almost gave Game of the Year to. It still treats me really bad. That’s okay. I still love it. I had a pretty good run going with a very strong ship with a large crew. Then I got into a fight, and things went sideways quick. My ship blew up. It was really hard to take.

-Donald

Want me to know about your DNF list? Follow Did-Not-Finish on twitter and tell me about it. Need more stuff on your Facebook wall? With a simple “like” that can be accomplished. Also, feel free to mock me via Email. If you are on Raptr feel free to look me up.

M. Rambler: This week was crazy. Donald restocked the beer fridge… and I went and got Trailer Trashed.

B. Indifferent: I’m excited that Allie Brosh updated Hyperbole and a Half with a new post, but I keep going back to her magical post about how the alot is better than you at everything.

Donald: I had assumed that Dragon’s Crown would never come to the US so I wrote it off. Now it is coming out. Is there any way to buy it without feeling like a scumbag? I really think the elf looks cool.

M. Rambler: I would supply a link to the Dragon’s Crown sorceress trailer right now, but I think Donald would bump my status as Senior News Anchor down to Pervy Old Internet Creepster.

Brad: If buying Dragon’s Crown makes you feel like a scumbag, then buying just about any game probably makes you feel like a scumbag. And the ones that don’t probably aren’t fun. If you really want to clear your conscience though, I think I have a copy of Barbie Vacation Adventure around here somewhere.

GlowPuff: Cake.

M. Rambler: Yeah, that game was pretty easy. I beat it before coming into the office today. Twice. But you know what can’t be beat this week? The news!

Jellybean U

Summary: You soon won’t need a smart phone to play mobile games… You’ll just need a Wii U tablet.

Source: Polygon

M. Rambler: I’m getting really tired of ragging on Nintendo all the time about the Wii U… but they just make it too darn easy. Do you know where crappy mobile phone games work best? ON YOUR MOBILE PHONE… not on a small television monitor with limited touch controls that needs to be tethered to your house to operate.

B. Indifferent: Guys, Nintendo just announced that Mother III will be available on the Wii U! Just start running OUYA software on it, and then load the Nintendo emulator, and then find a copy of the Mother III files…

Donald: So, if the game requires dual touch on the screen… how does that work? Wait, why isn’t Nintendo focusing on getting real games out on the Wii U when it comes out?

M. Rambler: Because console gaming is dead and mobile is the future.

Brad: “Nintendo will also renew focus on developing new, first-party software,” you don’t suppose that means, like, NEW new first party software, do you? Yeah, who am I kidding? Get ready for new and slightly improved versions of Mario Party, Smash Brothers, and Animal Crossing on the Wii U in the near future.

GlowPuff: You know what the next step after running their games on mobile is, right? Answer: Their games running on other consoles. You heard it here first. It’s Industry Analyzing 101 folks! I did a thesis on this.

Wild-Eyed Lunatic Calls for more Substandard Video Games Based On Movies

Summary: Iron Man 3 scores big at the box-office, but don’t look for a tie in game on your home console, it can only be found on mobile. Hardcore gamers rejoice.

Source: Forbes

B. Indifferent: He’s right. Disney is passing up a huge opportunity… to flush massive amounts of cash down the toilet. By not releasing a video game tie-in for Iron Man 3, they’ve been able to keep more of the profits from the movie. What kind of poor decision-making skills would lead someone to do that?

Disney: A strong willed board of directors laser focused on profit.

Brad: Seriously, did this guy just get here from 1993 or something? Because the ol’ “make a game based on the movie” infinite money trick hasn’t worked in a long time. Can’t wait to hear some of this guy’s other fiscal advice – maybe we can invest in some Yahoo! stock or a Ryan Leaf rookie card.

GlowPuff: The “infinite money from games based on a movie” hack was patched in 1998.

Donald: The last good movie tie-in I played was Escape From Butchers Bay. That was not really a tie in, Pitch Black was more of a tie-in to the game. But if you want to fill the market with iOS games based on movies more power to you. I don’t have an iOS device so I won’t have to review them.

M. Rambler: But you can still force Bitterly to murder his soul by reviewing the Android versions… right???

You Thought the Next Xbox Was Always Online… Don’t Be Silly

Summary: Leaked internal emails reveal that the next Xbox won’t require an always on internet connection. The internet breathes a sigh of relief. The internet community however, remains sceptical.

Source: ARS Technica

GlowPuff: Great. Now I’ll have to find something ELSE not to like about it. Thanks for making things more difficult.

B. Indifferent: I’m glad Microsoft sent out that e-mail clarifying that it was always their intention to provide a system that didn’t need a constant connection to the internet. But they could have saved time by using the same message to announce that they have always been at war with Eastasia.

M. Rambler: Good luck on that land war, Microsoft.

Brad: Oh hey, the next Xbox again, huh? Hold on…

You just keep putting out those press releases, Microsoft. I’ve got plenty of signs.

GlowPuff: Staples is running a special deal for their Print and Copy services right now. You can get a good deal on having more signs made.

Donald: They need to send a second internal email around to inform all Xbox employees that this is NOT how you launch a system. Seriously, this is PS3 levels of blunder and confusion. If you have to “leak” an internal email to debunk a rumor you may just be doing it wrong.

Nintendo: You… umm… well, you wouldn’t happen to have any suggestions about how to do it right, would you? We’re about to launch this thing called the Wii U… we’ve had all our game developers diligently working on the system for years and now we just have to give them a few more years to develop some launch titles for it.

May the ForcEAlways be With You

Summary: Disney signs a multi-year, multi-game deal that grants EA exclusivity to the Star Wars franchise.

Source: IGN

Donald: Lets be honest guys, Star Wars is garbage at this point. We were young when it was awesome. Then over the years it has become crap. There is more bad Star Wars material than good. At this point, I just don’t care who is making what. Star Wars died… a long time ago… in a galaxy far, far away.

Brad: It couldn’t just be that Star Wars was always like this and we just got older, could it?

M. Rambler: Nostalgia… it’s a hell of a drug…

B. Indifferent: So what I’m reading is that Mellody Hobson’s Fiance got tired of gouging other companies for the right to sell licensed Star Wars junk, and he let Disney take over?

M. H. Fiance: I got tired of the yearly dink and dunk license fees and decided one massively huge lump sum fee from Disney was just a heck of a lot easier.

Brad: The initial response has been a lot of anger from gamers, bukt the developers that are actually going to be making new Star Wars games are the same companies responsible for Battlefield, Mass Effect, and Dead Space. Jeez guys, what else do they need to have on your resume before people are happy? It’s not like LucasArts was this awesome publisher who had a history of putting together all-star teams to make stuff like Star Wars Demolition.

GlowPuff: I just want the LEGO Death Star and LEGO Star Destroyer.

EA: Are you sure you don’t mean the LEGO Death Star the Video Game and LEGO Star Destroyer the Video Game titles we have coming out later this year? Big thanks to Mellody Hobson’s Fiance… he just now showed us the error of our ways regarding movie tie-ins and licensing fees.

UbiSoft Assassinates a Member of the Brotherhood

Summary: Nothing is true, everything is permitted. except continued employment.

Source: Game Informer

B. Indifferent: He wasn’t joking when he said that not serving Poutine in the lunchroom was a deal breaker.

Brad: Patrice! You will work for us even if that means we have to buy every game studio in Montreal! That’s right, both of them!

Donald: What on earth was 1666? We don’t know. All we know is the Ubi was scared to death of it. I mean it’s not like the AC series took a brutal nose dive after Brotherhood… oh wait.

GlowPuff: I think that is the year Columbus discovered Atlantis. Right? Or is it your top score in Pole Position?

Canada: We just got our first Pole Position arcade cabinet… can you please give us the secret to such high scores?

Far Cry: Blood Dragon 2ranosaurus Wrex

Summary: Voice actor and 80′s movie icon Michael Biehn could be ready to take up the mantle of Sergeant Rex ‘Power’ Colt one more time in a sequel to Far Cry: Blood Dragon.

Source: IGN

B. Indifferent: So he doesn’t own a game system, he hasn’t bought the game, he doesn’t know how to play games, but he’s super convinced that this is what the gaming public wants? I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong.

Brad: Is it just me, or is Michael Biehn trying really hard to remind people that he’s been in stuff? Look man, nobody has asked you if you were the guy from The Victim, because nobody saw The Victim. Though I suppose it is probably hard to make a name for yourself when you’re most famous roles involve you being overshadowed by Bill Paxton and Val Kilmer.

M. Rambler: Wrong. When John Connor sends you back in time to bang his mom so he can be born, you have officially made it.

Donald: I want to see the next Blood Dragon in a 1920 gangster film style. Gangsters on an island, robbing island banks. The Dragons can say “See?” a lot.

Buckle in for Another 40 Years of “Modern Warfare” Games

Summary: EA owns the domain names for Battlefield2.com through Battlefield9.com and Battlefield13.com through Battlefield20.com… but not the eventual millionaires who currently own Battlefield10.com through Battlefield12.com

Source: Fusible

Donald: This is a good investment unless you pull a THQ.

Brad: Coincidentally, GoDaddy has been running a “Register 7 Domains, get a sexy picture of Danica Patrick” promo all month.

B. Indifferent: That reminds me, Donald — we need to diversify. I think we should register domains for Did-Not-Finish-2 through 491. You know, for science. Just give me the DNF credit card, and I’ll take care of it.

M. Rambler: Too late. Already done, but you can use that credit card to over pay for any number of those domains. I promise I’ll use some of the profits to refill the beer fridge.

Donald: Alright that sounds legit. Should we hire more people to write for the other sites? Or should they just be GIF’s of cats?

Brad: If we get those domains registered soon enough, they can be .gifs of Danica.

GlowPuff: Is there fan service in that GIF?

M. Rambler: Is anyone else hot in here? I’ve been Googling Danica Patrick for the last few minutes, and I think I could use a little fan service myself.

BREAKING NEWS: Some people have too much free time on their hands

Summary: Are there more Colossi hiding in Shadow of the Colossus? Stay tuned… some very determined people are willing to spend their lives finding out.

Source: Eurogamer

B. Indifferent: If there actually was a big conspiracy to hide a massive secret inside Shadow of the Colossus, this is exactly the kind of story they’d publish to throw you off the scent.

Donald: Has anyone thought of looking in the game’s code? It may be able to tell you if there is a 17th Coloussusiusosusis. I didn’t know you could get up to that garden. I also didn’t care.

Brad: This article gave me new ideas on what I should expect from a game. From now on, if a company expects me to pay $60 for a game, I had better still be playing it eight years from now.

GlowPuff: When (if) I finish a game, I put the disc back in its box, never to lay eyes on it again. I don’t continue to squeeze every drop of value from it (real or perceived) that I can, over a number of years. Well, unless it’s Diablo 2. That was an exception.

M. Rambler: Sorry guys, can’t talk now… just fell off the wagon… beating Skyrim for the 5th time.

Even Video Game Economies Face Inflation

Summary: Both Auction Houses in World of Warcraft were recently shut down after some hooligans discovered a gold replicating exploit. Blizzard death squads were sent to hunt down any transmuters, and both auction houses are now successfully back online.

Source: Battle.net

Brad: Right now, Ron Paul’s avatar is running around WoW telling everyone to get rid of their worthless gold and adopt a currency backed by the Pincer Entrails standard.

M. Rambler: Is anyone else hungry right now?

GlowPuff: Oddly, there are billboard signs around town telling me to sell my gold, too. Hmmm!! Coincidence? I think not.

Donald: Okay, okay, I am with you! Sounds logical. Should we find a fort and stockpile guns and panda skins?

B. Indifferent: There’s never been a better time to hate online gaming. I just started playing Dragon Quest VIII last month, and the amount of gold it costs to buy leather armor and a boomerang has remained unchanged since the original Dragon Quest was released in 1986.

M. Rambler: You know that the next two Dragon Quest games had a lot of online content, right?

B. Indifferent: See? Online gaming ruins everything. Just ask Adam Orth’s career.

A. Orth: You know what? Janesville, WI isn’t that bad after all. Turns out they were willing to give me a job… not like those mouth-breathers over in Blacksburg, VA.

Question: What’s a Wii U? Answer: Dissapointing

Summary: Is Activision’s Bobby Kotick putting Nintendo on notice by calling the Wii U’s launch “disappointing”?

Check out some Armchair Analysis from a fellow Industry Analyst, who’s a bajillion times more credible than Michael Pachter.

Source: Armchair Analysis

Brad: TL/AF/DR

B. Indifferent: AF?

GlowPuff: Acne Face.

Brad: About finance. I get enough of that keeping the books around here. By the way, we used up almost the pizza budget for the month already, so we’re either gonna need donations or, and I hate to even consider this, order Little Ceasar’s the rest of May.

B. Indifferent: I would rob girl scouts at gunpoint and steal their cookie money before I let us stoop to that in this office.

M. Rambler: That’s pretty much Bitterly’s answer to anything money related. It’s like his own super-secret gold exploit.

GlowPuff: Really? Little Ceasar’s are only 5 bucks for a large. It’s not the best pizza in town, but… 5 bucks man.

Brad: Two words: Rocket Ass. That’s what you’re really buying for 5 bucks.

M. Rambler: Only two words… what??? Do you have some kind of iron gut? I could fart War and Peace after eating Little Ceasars…

B. Indifferent: Let’s focus on the news — Activision issued a press release, people are desperately mining it for news, and a lot of them are focusing on one word Bobby Kotick used, even though it’s the exact same one he used three months ago.

Donald: WHAT? The Wii U is out? Why don’t we have one in the office? I bet there are a ton of games we need to review on it.

Brad: Sorry, we didn’t put anything in the budget for “game systems nobody wants”. Same reason we’re not getting an Xbox Open Grave later this year. I mean, I guess we could try to take the money out of somewhere else, but the last time we tried to move funds out of the beer budget, Rambler got a little, uh, laser-eyes-y.

<Rambler grits teeth, squints eyes, and stares ominously across the table>

GlowPuff: He also came into the office wearing full camo, dual wielding Sporks from the mess hall.

M. Rambler: Dual wielding? Disappointing, GlowPuff… you should know by now that I also keep a set of Sporks sheathed in my combat boots for just such quad-wielding occasions.

<Rambler grits teeth, squints eyes, takes off combat boots, and stares ominously across the table>

John Carpenter Wants to Make a Dead Space Movie, and I Say We Let Him

Summary: John Carpenter says he’d love to make a Dead Space movie, but also admits to buying Aliens: Colonial Marines… is he to be trusted anymore?

Source: Video Gamer

Hollywood: You know what a Dead Space movie needs? Co-op. It needs co-op for sure. John, where do you stand on co-op, and how would you implement it into the film’s core structure?

GlowPuff: The co-op part will come with the breaking down of the “fourth wall”. In other words, the protagonist will talk to the audience.

B. Indifferent: I want to see more John Carpenter movies that include escort missions.

Brad: I kind of want to see John Carpenter make a movie version of a game that was based off of one of his movies, John Carpenter Presents: The Thing for Xbox (The Movie).

Donald: *Beats head on desk*

Glitchapasplooza

Summary: Celebrate some of the greatest glitches in all of video games. Side note: discover yet another reason to avoid Assassin’s Creed III.

Source: Cracked

Brad: Hey look, you can play Assassin’s Creed as Glowpuff!

GlowPuff: Hey look! It’s me! Wait, what am I doing?!

Donald: Oddly, its what you are doing right now… Stop.

M. Rambler: Wait… I had no idea AC III had Kinect support… looks like I’ll be buying the PS3 version after all. Makes me kind of scared for AC IV on the PS4… not really looking forward to that share button anymore…

Not exactly the send off I was looking for, but Blood Dragon calls and we’ll see you all next week!

Saw a news story that we should rip?  Follow Did-Not-Finish on twitter and tell me about it.  Need more stuff on your Facebook wall?  With a simple “like” that can be accomplished.  Also, feel free to mock me via Email.

Red Faction: Armageddon (Steam)
Let’s talk about vacuum for a moment. If Red Faction: Armageddon existed in one I would probably enjoy it more. The problem is that Red Faction: Guerrilla exists. The bigger problem for Armageddon is that I fell hard down the Guerrilla rabbit hole… hard. So what happens when you remove the open world part of Red Faction? Well, a lot (read: almost all) of the charm vanishes real quick. There was something to be said for jumping into a truck and just driving across the surface of Mars, swerving to knock buildings over of course! Armageddon is a liner story that is more or less vacant of the personality Guerrilla had. Is it a horrible and dreadful game? No, not really. If it had existed in that vacuum things wold be better for it. Maybe it will get really awesome all of a sudden. Right now? Fetch Quests…

Shining Force (Steam)

credit: Brad Hates Games

You know how people are always saying, “I just purchased another copy of Super Mario Bros.” Then you ask how many copies they have, and you are shocked. Well, that is me with Shining Force. I have six copies. Why do I need six copies? I don’t. But, here they are. My latest version is THE BEST version. It has a save anywhere feature. This is something it should have had all along. No, I am not using it to cheat. When I load a game, I get rid of the save so I am not even tempted to reload when things go bad. If you want to know why Shining Force is such an important/amazing game, let Brad tell you. Since I do own six copies, it may be safe to say I really like Shining Force.

Deadlight (Steam)
So Deadlight is not what I thought Deadlight was going to be. At first glance it may look very Shadow Complex. It’s not Shadow Complex with zombies… at all. But, so far, I am having a good time with it. Some of the mechanics feel stiff. But, I am digging the side view zombie Apocalypse. I have not really jumped that far into it. So, I guess, I am just telling you that I started it.

FarCry 3: Blood Dragon (Steam)
WOAH! So FarCry 3: Blood Dragon is really fun. REALLY FUN. The tutorial is really bad. Wash your face with sandpaper bad. It is just so painful. I kind of wanted to punch the game in the face it was so bad. I just can’t express how bad the tutorial is. It kind of started funny then traveled into awful so quickly. But after that, Blood Dragon is a punch you in the face awesome experience. I didn’t know you could get so much neon and 80′s pop culture into one place. Sometimes going back to the well doesn’t work. But Blood Dragon does it so right. There is just something magical about the synth sound track that summons memories of every 80′s action movie I have ever seen. You just feel awesome playing Blood Dragon. If I had to nit pick? Well, the main character has a limited amount of witty one liners. I have heard them all. They are getting old.

-Donald

Want me to know about your DNF list? Follow Did-Not-Finish on twitter and tell me about it. Need more stuff on your Facebook wall? With a simple “like” that can be accomplished. Also, feel free to mock me via Email. If you are on Raptr feel free to look me up.

I ended Game Dev Tycoon with just over $3oo million in the bank and a healthy sense of pride in my accomplishments. Why? Because I managed to stay 100% independent, building my little company without ever bending to a publisher’s will.

No, I never got to release a triple-A title, and the highest my booth at E3 G3 ever ranked was 34, but my fans LOVED me. We stayed small enough to make sure that we took great care of our fans, letting them make projects using our art assets and patching every game that had post-launch bugs. I was just super cool.

So, let’s talk about Game Dev Tycoon. Starting in your garage, you are tasked with making small games. This is achieved by picking options on lots of menus. If you do not like (a lot of) screens with sliders and option buttons, this may not be the game for you.

If that is your thing, then Game Dev Tycoon delivers. Your games live (and die) based how how well you learn to work this system.

My first games did not do well. Not well at all. But that was fine. Learning what content you should focus on is part of Game Dev Tycoon’s fun. Soon, you leave the garage and get your first office.

I am not going to lie; I made some mistakes when I got my first office. I hired a programmer and tried to make an ambitious game, which got an average score of 1 from reviewers. Lots of money was lost, and I had to fire my employee.

Game Dev Tycoon challenges you on several levels, making you think about the compromises you’re willing to make not only for each title you release, but also for your company’s survival over time. I felt bad about the programmer, and tried to figure out how to keep my company from folding while keeping him employed, but it was not to be.

So I spent a good chunk of time in my new office alone, programming games that were only slightly better than what I had produced in the garage. Until it happened.

The breakthrough.

I had sunk what little money I had left into the development of a new game engine. Then I  spent money I didn’t have to make a Fantasy RPG. It looked like the end of my company, and I was preparing to start over when the reviews came in — all 9′s.

I went from having a debt of $138,000 to having $3.3 million in the bank. It was an incredible rush.

A rush that Game Dev Tycoon would deliver several more times.

The depth of control you are given over your company is fantastic. You are in charge of who gets hired, and how they are trained. You decide what aspects of the game they work on and how much time goes into all your game’s features. All of this work and planning really gives you a personal sense of involvement, adding to the stress of watching those review scores come in. Especially when you know that one bad game could spell the end of the company.

Luckily, things never got that dire for me after my big break. I found myself making only RPGs by the end. I don’t know why, but I got really good at making them.

I will return to Game Dev Tycoon. I want to make a billion dollars. I want to sell a hundred million units. I want the number one booth at G3. But let’s stop talking about me, and start talking about you.

You should go play Game Dev Tycoon.

Did you create a game empire? Leave a comment below, or hit me up on twitter and tell me about it. Don’t forget to join the Did Not Finish Facebook page. Also, feel free to Email me. If you are on Raptr  look me up.

Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests – to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

M. Rambler: So I went cold turkey on Skyrim two weeks ago, and had no idea it would make me so much more productive at life… I wrote a post that wasn’t a new FtW issue, then I beat BioShock Infinite AND Gears of War Ascension… or was that God of War Judgement…

B. Indifferent: Huh. Turns out that it’s a great week for binge drinking. Then again, it’s never not a great week for binge drinking, so at least I’m prepared.

Donald: So… It’s like every day you “walk” into work?

GlowPuff: Surely you mean “stagger”, with the assistance of a walker.

M. Rambler: Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.

Brad: I went back and visited my hometown of Buffalo for the first time in 2 years. It felt like slipping back into a comfortable, broken in pair of shoes you haven’t worn in a while. Absolutely nothing has changed there. And during the week that I was gone, Seattle probably put up 3 or 4 new buildings.

M. Rambler: Starbucks buildings don’t count…

GlowPuff: Nothing changed around here, either. We’re still in the parking lot. No buildings being erected in our honor around these parts!

M. Rambler: Okay gents, grab your wrecking balls, it’s time to tear some news stories down.

Call of Stock Options

Summary: Activision’s CEO, Bobby Kotick, paid more than CEOs of larger firms that actually do something useful, and corporate-governance scolds are not amused.

Source: ArsTechnica

B. Indifferent: Sure, the CEO isn’t supposed to earn 200 times more than the salary of his lowest-paid employees, but if everyone lower than executive vice president is just an independent contractor, the sky’s the limit! Hooray for income inequality.

Donald: Okay, but he is still a jackass. Like one of those jackasses you rent to ride around the Grand Canyon, but it won’t walk, so you spend your entire vacation sitting on a jackass while everyone else plays Battlefield 3. THANKS BOBBY! THANKS A LOT!

GlowPuff: Hey, he earned it! Slow clap…..? Put down the pitchfork!

Brad: When reached for comment, Mr. Kotick said he planned to use the money to “develop the kind of video game I’ve always wanted to play, instead of that Call of Duty crap everyone makes these days.”

M. Rambler: Wow, cut the guy some slack… he earned every cent of that bonus. The Call of Duty franchise hasn’t spent a single dime on game engine enhancements, scripting, updates, improvements, etc. since Call of Duty 2 came out. Big Bob may have stole the core concept of the yearly franchise non-update from EA’s Madden, but it’s that kind of down and dirty, cost conscious game development that has helped turn gaming’s biggest franchise into the profit pooping machine it is today.

You’re Blinding Me With Science

Summary: Microsoft’s next-gen IllumiRoom gadget is supposed to project a larger game screen onto your living room wall, but it really just puts a glaring spotlight on the squalor of your surroundings.  

Source: TheVerge

GlowPuff: I have NO idea how this is supposed to work inside a cardboard box.

M. Rambler: I’m going to guess it will work better that way. In my experience (read: my own living space) cardboard boxes are pretty bare bones and devoid of any furniture or clutter that might render the projected image unintelligible. It’s getting electricity to said cardboard structure that proves the greatest challenge.

B. Indifferent: Remember back when Nintendo DS was first announced, and people came out of the woodwork to disparage its touchscreen as a “gimmick”? Yeah, I am putting the IllumiRoom ON NOTICE that Nintendo called, and they want their negative attention back.

GlowPuff: I got some “negative attention” once when I farted in a crowded room.

R. Fils-Aime: We’re back in business baby, we just one-upped GlowPuff. Whatever the Wii U is, it just crapped the bed.

Donald: The Kinect already asks you to remove all furniture from your living space, but I drug that gimmick out to the curb for disposal. What is IllumiRoom going to require? Will I need to build a dry wall cube around my Xbox?

Brad: You know how when you have a really bad nightmare, then you wake up and you’re relieved just to be back to your regular life, even if normal life wasn’t that exciting? Maybe that’s what’s going on here. We’re just going to keep hearing increasingly stupid sounding ideas for the new Xbox, and then on May 21st, they’ll unveil it and it will basically be a 360 with some minor upgrades. But instead of being disappointed, we’ll just all be happy that everything we heard about it wasn’t true.

GlowPuff: I dunno about you, but when I wake up from a nightmare, I wish I could go back into the nightmare.

M. Rambler: Be careful what you wish for…

You’re Blinding Me With Irony

Summary: Indie game developer, Greenheart Games, put a special code in pirated versions of their latest game. Thieving gamers enjoy running a virtual software development studio for a while, until their work is undone by… wait for it… IN-GAME SOFTWARE PIRATES! Cue anguished cries from real pirates complaining to the real developer that virtual pirates had made their virtual developers miserable.

Source: Greenheart Games

Brad: Oh, here’s the game industry making a mountain out of a molehill again. How many people actually pirate a game? I bet it’s less than five perce… wait, what’s that you say? 93%? Are you serious? Jeez, I’m siding with the developers – screw those pirates.

GlowPuff: 93%?  That’s the score I received on my DNF Entrance Exam!!  What does that mean??  Am I a pirate??!

Brad: Yes. You are a pirate.

Donald: The true irony here is that the people who stole the game, then had trouble with the in-game piracy won’t get the message. They will just move on and pirate their next game. Bring me a game where you play as a pirate who can’t pirate if you pirate the game. Now we are talking.

M. Rambler: And bring me a game where pirates are forced to eternally sit through that video Brad linked… and I get to punch them in the nuts. Now we’re doing more than talking. We’re punching jerkwads in the nutbags. Now that’s progress!

B. Indifferent: It’s super depressing that so many people stole the game, but it also makes me feel better about slumming it with free android games. They can’t give that crap away.

Donald: I am starting to worry about what adverse effects playing free android games is having on your mental state. Go review Super Hexagon. That should make things better.

Hollywood Thinks Gears of War Movie Would Be Totally Epic

Summary: The Gears of War movie adaptation forges ahead. It currently has a willing producer and they are just now beginning the scripting process with the help of EPIC Games.

Source: Variety

B. Indifferent: Is “Brorection” a word? Because I think it’s time we made it a word.

Donald: Who wants to trade seats? I don’t want to sit next to Rambler and his Brorection.

M. Rambler: What? Deal with it. I like the game… it’s not my fault. Ever since that freak golf accident I had back in high school, I like a lot of stupid things.

Brad: Tickets to a Gears of War movie should come with a complementary nine iron to the forehead to ensure you’re in the film’s target demographic.

GlowPuff: What I don’t understand is why Hollywood isn’t rebooting some existing, successful movie franchise that is already done and over with. Oh, they already do that with aplomb? My bad. And didn’t they get the memo about game-based movies NOT turning out well?

Size doesn’t matter

Summary: On the topic of Wonderful 101’s short gameplay time, Platinum Games producer, Atsushi Inaba, suggests that true enjoyment comes not from length, but from the enjoyable experience (read: girth).

Source: My Nintendo News

Brad: It’s so much fun, you’ll want to play it over and over again! Which is a lot easier for us than, say, making a few more levels.

B. Indifferent: Sales of Wonderful 101 aren’t going to be hurt by its short gameplay time. They’re going to be hurt by the fact that it was released on the Wii U.

Donald: I am hoping at E3 2013 they announce the Wii U’s release date. I don’t even know what the Wonderful 101 is. I would guess it’s a short class you can take at University. I hear it’s Wonderful.

GlowPuff: He says he wants the game to make people say how happy they are to own a Wii U.  Good luck with that…  I’m happy I *don’t* own one.  And size may not matter over there, but over here it certainly does.  I’d much rather have a quarter pounder with cheese than a junior cheeseburger any day.  ‘Mericuh!

M. Rambler: You know what they call a Wonderful 101 in France?

GlowPuff: No.

M. Rambler: A Royale With Wonderful 101! You know why they call it that?

GlowPuff: Because of the metric system?

M. Rambler: Check out the big brain on GlowPuff! You’re smarter than you look. That’s right. The metric system, because the metric system is consistently shorter than what we’re used to here in America.

Demon’t 

Summary: Gamer drops lawsuit on Gearbox and SEGA claiming trade show demos for Aliens: Colonial Marines were faulty representations of the final product. SEGA says no comment. Gearbox says go fly a kite… during a thunderstorm… raining acidic Alien blood.

Source: Polygon

Brad: New get rich quick scheme – lets sue the makers of every game whose trailer is made up entirely of cutscenes or of gameplay taken from a camera angle that would make actually playing the game impossible. That ought to be, let’s see here… ALL OF THEM.

Donald: Entitlement issues: level infinity.

GlowPuff: Yes, I think that says it best.  Am I going to sue McDonalds because the hastily put together burger with the limp lettuce I just got bares NO RESEMBLANCE to the lush, fresh burger I saw in the TV commercial?  You watch, that kind of nonsense will be next.

M. Rambler: McDonalds? You should have ordered the Royale With Wonderful 101… I hear it’s delicious but leaves most people yearning for more.

B. Indifferent: If I could sue publishers every time one of their games sucked, John Romero would have made me a multimillionaire.

J. Romero: But you can’t, and guess what? In the real world I can publish more games that suck, and I’ll be even more of a mutlimillionaire. I love reality.

Wii U: Hacking 101

Summary: A small group of hackers claims to have cracked the Wii U allowing people to play pirated games on the system. The rest of humanity remains baffled why anyone would bother.

Source: Kotaku

B. Indifferent: Nintendo knows that illegal hackers aren’t playing games or applications on the  Wii U system because no one is playing games or applications on the Wii U system.

Brad: Having failed to gain traction anywhere else, Nintendo is appealing directly to the pirate community – “Buy a Wii U! All the games are free!”

R. Fils-Aime: Well, that’s not exactly 100% correct. Those of you who have legally (and/or illegally) downloaded classic NES and Super Nintendo titles to your Wii, will still need to pay $1 and $1.50, respectively to re-install those very same titles you already owned onto your Wii U.

M. Rambler: I already had 17 reasons lined up for why not to buy a Wii U… now finding out I have to pay even more money for all the classic 20 year old games I’ve already paid for twice pretty much seals the deal.

Donald: “but Nintendo tells Kotaku they’ve received “no reports” of any unauthorized use of their gaming system.” – This tells me one thing, Nintendo — being new to the internet — doesn’t know you can deny a system’s access to the web. They are not going to send you an email.

“Dear Nintendo we HAXXXXZORED U. Cordially, Hackers”

R. Fils-Aime: Wait, what are hackers? Are they as adorably cute as the pirates from that video Brad posted earlier?

GlowPuff: I hear that the hacked console provides a better experience than the stock console.  Why?  Because it plays XBox 360 and PS3 games through emulation.

R. Fils-Aime: Well, that’s not exactly 100% true either. The Wii U barely has the horsepower to keep up with the 360 or PS3, so the pirates have only been able to emulate original Xbox and PS2 games on our console.

No Madden for U

Summary: EA says Nintendo is the bee’s knees, but we don’t really care to release Madden 25 on that “next-gen” console they released six months ago… but we’d certainly be willing to spend 30 seconds to evaluate the prospect of releasing Madden products in the future for Nintendo systems… but not for that Wii U… that corpse is deader than disco.

Source: IGN

J.Madden: Now here’s a system with no games on it.

GlowPuff: Wow, this is a HUGE blow!  That little toy console can’t take too many more hits like this one.

P. Summerall: Oh no, there’s a man down.

M. Rambler: Oh no, there’s a Wii U down.

Injury Report: Nintendo – Wii U – out for the next-generation – broken spine.

Brad: Hey look, Nintendo, now your console has ANOTHER thing in common with the Dreamcast! Don’t worry – 10 years from now, really hardcore gamers will talk about how it was the best system ever and what a shame it is that nobody ever bought or made games for it.

Donald: That reminds me, the Dreamcast was the best system ever. It was a shame that nobody ever bought it. I wish it had more games made for it.

B. Indifferent: The best thing the Dreamcast had going for it was Crazy Taxi, which was included as a mini game in GTA3, Vice City, and San Andreas. Can we really say we missed out on anything?

Xclusive?

Summary: Former Call of Duty creators, Respawn Entertainment, are gearing up for their next big franchise… possibly an Xbox exclusive title.

Source: Kotaku

Sony Santa Monica: Ohh, an exclusive!?!

Studio San Diego: Hey, what’s going on guys?

Japan Studio: The new Xbox is getting an exclusive!

Polyphony Digital: For real? That’s awesome! Another Halo title?

Bend Studio: No. it’s by a different studio.

Media Molecule: Yeah, some new studio called Respawn Entertainment.

Guerilla Games: Didn’t they make…. um… that…..

Evolution Studio: They used to make Call of Duty.

Naughty Dog: Don’t Care!

Sucker Punch: What he barked.

You Have Got to be Kidding Me

Summary: Nintendo blames lack of first party title releases for Wii U on development resources being taken from unknown projects that weren’t currently in development for utilization of current projects that were also not currently in development, but were forced into development because Nintendo needed something to be developed after years of twiddling it’s thumbs. Also, the Wii U is pretty much, maybe, potentially kind of powerful?

Source: IGN

Donald: Am I the only one who gets more and more confused about where the Wii U is headed after every Nintendo Direct? Is it that hard to make an HD Zelda game. Seems to be.

M. Rambler: Yes it is, but only when you’re trying to HD tech from two generations ago. And even so, most other companies can kick that kind of nostalgic crap out before you can say the word: Profit.

Brad: The next big release is Pikmin 3. Let me tell you, when the “big release” you’re waiting for is the sequel to what’s traditionally been a niche title, you’re in trouble.

GlowPuff: They’re starting to act like Hollywood: Sequels and Reboots.

M. Rambler: Starting to? Google “Nintendo first party releases since the Super Nintendo” and get back to me.

B. Indifferent: It’s a refreshingly contrarian strategy. Fans of Mother 3 and Mega Man Legends keep getting shafted while their franchise owners find other ways to make money, so by doing the opposite, Nintendo may… not find other ways to make money? Yeah, they’re boned.

Handheld Gaming Gets Far Too Literal

Summary: PlayStation Vita, Sony’s newest handheld about to see the release of Men’s Room Mayhem… enough said.

Source: PlayStation.blog

Donald: What? I…. I’m out

Brad: Hey everyone! I’m a developer who has worked on critically renowned titles like Super Stardust HD. Please enjoy my latest game! It’s about peeing.

B. Indifferent: I thought it was about courtesy. They need to make a game about the dude code that says you do not talk to the people standing next to you at the urinal. If there even is an appropriate place for Rambler to tell me about that time he got his lip stuck in a soda bottle, I can tell you that the KFC men’s room is not that place.

GlowPuff: I’m wearing a Google Glass Explorer Edition, and I just photographed everyone’s junk in the KFC men’s room.  And you didn’t even know it.  Ok Glass, Send, Youtube.

M. Rambler: Do women know about shrinkage? I had just been swimming… I swear!

And speaking of swimming. I’m busy playing Far Cry: Blood Dragon. That game has swimming. I think it’s time to go for a dip. See you all next week 

Saw a news story that we should rip?  Follow Did-Not-Finish on twitter and tell me about it.  Need more stuff on your Facebook wall?  With a simple “like” that can be accomplished.  Also, feel free to mock me via Email.

I had to think long and hard about Portal 2 before even attempting to sit down and write about it. It’s an important game to me. And after you play it, I’m sure it will be an important game to you. It’s a textbook example of how something amazing can grow into something phenomenal.

Portal 2 also shows that sometimes the simplest mechanic can be the most important thing in a game’s design. This game has no cover system, no (dreaded) quick-time events, and no cutscenes  that (annoyingly) yank the camera out of your control. Portal 2 is a game that places its entire focus on your experience with it.

It’s refreshing, in a way. Very refreshing.

This is a beginning.
Portal 2 starts out with some of the funniest in-game dialogue I have heard in a long time. And the humor cleverly disguises the tutorial nature of the first stages, teaching you the (very simple) mechanics of the game. Then…

Well, it strips off the once-clean coat of paint and literally thrusts you into time/space bending adventure.

This is the goings-on.
Things start out as they should — something has gone horribly wrong, and you have been left in cryo-sleep for far too long. A new AI is introduced, and it’s trying to escape. GlaDOS is back, and upset at you for killing her. Things are just generally a mess.

Your failed attempt(s) at escape upset GlaDOS quite a bit. But she doesn’t want to kill you, she just wants to start testing again. That didn’t seem so bad to me — I am here to test, and test, and test, and test. And there is a lot of testing going on here. (Cue the smile on your face.)

This is where things get tricky.
At one point while playing Portal 2, I realized that it was going to be really hard to talk about this game. I can’t tell you about the great moments in Portal 2, how they come about, or what the frame of reference is, because it would spoil lots of things.

Since I think it’s important for you to play this game, I don’t want to spoil it. But here is my all-caps statement about the stuff I’m not going to talk about: YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE ALL THE STUFF I’M NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT!

This is the new stuff
Remember when I said that Portal had proven that simplicity was the key to great game design? Portal 2 gets in its own way with this. Three fluids and two new mechanics are introduced, making you jump higher, run faster and giving you the ability to change non-portal-friendly walls into portal-friendly walls. These were fun for a moment, and then it felt like they were just there to “add” to the game play. Luckily, Portal 2 doesn’t rely too heavily on these fluids and their wacky powers.

Portal 2 also has a a gravity defying energy wave and a beam you can walk on or use as a wall. These were also used sparingly. Thankfully, the star of Portal 2 is still the portal gun, and most of the puzzles are solvable with that.

Portal 2 is an amazing thing. It keeps its energy high and always moving forward. It consumed ten hours of my life over two days, with some very clever puzzles and some of the very best writing you will find anywhere.

I heartily and fully recommend you go out and buy it. If you can, go for the Steam version. Portal 2 supports user-created test chambers, extending your enjoyment of the game quite a bit and adding hundreds of rooms to your Portal 2 experience.

And before you get all upset in the emails, I know, I didn’t talk about the Co-Op campaign at all. That comes later, in its own review. I am waiting for Dan to finish the main story so we can play the Co-Op together with fresh eyes.

It will be amazing. Go play Portal 2!

Love Portal 2 as much as I did? Leave a comment below, or hit me up on twitter and tell me about it. Don’t forget to join the Did Not Finish Facebook page. Also, feel free to Email me. If you are on Raptr  look me up.

Hosted by: Chris Grap, Tim Alan Holly & Tim Kelly

Tickets: $7 – check the Theaters at Mall of America Special Events Page  for purchase and event info

Any self-respecting film geek will admit that movie trailers can be pretty darn great. The problem is that modern-day trailers vary from downright unwatchable to face-meltingly awesome, depending on the producer. They can ruin a movie’s best jokes or spoil important plot twists.

Most of today’s previews follow specific templates, depending on a film’s genre — or the genre that the marketing department thinks is most likely to draw a paying audience. Decades worth of data and consumer spending analysis have helped marketing firms distill the entire process of movie advertisement down to a clinical science. Modern day trailers think they know how to pull all the right strings, but most have become hollow shells in the process.

I’m Tom Cruise. I command you to buy a ticket to my movie now.

This targeted, sterile precision was not always so. There are those among us old enough to remember the Golden Age of a fledgling art form known as the movie trailer. Back in the 60′s, 70′s, and even early 80′s, the medium of film was busy cementing itself into popular consciousness. During that time, the people in charge of directing hungry viewers to new and exciting experiences at the local cineplex were slowly honing their craft.

Does this mask make me look fat?

These were magical times. Simpler times. Good was Good, Evil was Evil, and fashion was absolutely atrocious. (It was clear that the people running the show were high on something other than life.) As a result, movie trailers were a bit more… well, let’s call it convoluted. Some movie previews were so confusing and random that they actually needed narration.

You’re gonna need a bigger voice over.

That’s where Movie Trailer Voice Over Guy came in. He literally held mankind’s hand on a journey deep into the heart of every cracked out, indescribably insane movie trailer throughout nearly three decades of film. Drama, comedy, horror, action… it didn’t matter. Each trip down the rabbit hole was absolutely, infinitely unique. You never knew where Movie Trailer Voice Over Guy and his decisively commanding voice were going to take you, but you knew that things were about to get Epic.

Things might have just gotten a little too Epic.

On that note, I invite you all to what has been described as “Trailer Trash — The Greatest Night Ever.” Having caught a brief preview of what is in store, I have no logical reason to disagree with that description. Even the Arc of the Covenant will not be able to melt the smile off your face.

If you don’t believe that this will be the greatest thing ever, I dare you to prove me wrong. The first two readers to email DNF’s venerable editor-in-chief, donald@did-not-finish.com, with the subject line “I want to go to Trailer Trash” will each have a pair of tickets waiting for them at the Theaters at Mall of America box office.

And if that’s not enough, here is one of the best Golden Age trailers of all time to whet your appetite!

Are you a fan of classic trailer? Tell me about it! Follow Did-Not-Finish on twitter and tell me about it. Need more stuff on your Facebook wall? With a simple “like” that can be accomplished. Also, feel free to mock me via Email. If you are on Raptr feel free to look me up.

Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests – to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

M. Rambler: This just in. BioShock Infinite finished. Mind. Blowing. Ending.

Donald: This just more in: Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time finished. It sets up a sequel…

B. Indifferent: This week, I accidentally loaded my save file for SaGa Frontier 2, and it was horrible. The combat system is a haphazard, broken mess of poor design choices — the thing a developer ends up with when he’s determined to avoid letting someone just pick fight off a menu.

GlowPuff: I picked “Fight” off a menu once (in a bar) and got knocked OUT.

Brad: That’s a tough bar, when they put that right on the menu.

GlowPuff: It was either that or something called a “Knuckle Sandwich”. “Fight” sounded cooler.  I was wrong.

M. Rambler: Alright guys, settle down, it’s time for us to pick “News” off a menu.

Hollywood is Game for a Ratchet and Clank Movie

Summary: Ratchet and Clank are going to Hollywood. A full on computer animated movie is currently in development for release sometime in the year 2015.

Source: IGN

Donald: I DARE ANYONE HERE TO NOT BE EXCITED ABOUT THIS!

B. Indifferent: EXCITED?! THESE NIPPLES COULD CUT GLASS. What are we talking about?

GlowPuff: Ratchet who? Isn’t that something I have in my toolbox out in the garage?

M. Rambler: I’ve never played a Rachet and Clank game, because I’m not 14 years old. Which means I’m not excited about a Rachet and Clank movie because I’m STILL not 14 years old…. aaaaaand let the flame war begin!

Donald: Rambler, meet empty cardboard box. Go fill it. NEXT!

M. Rambler: But my office is already completely empty, and you don’t keep any beer in the beerfridge… what am I supposed to fill this cardboard box with? Can I put your office action figure collection in there so I can sell it to some eager 14 year old? That way I can buy some beer to drown my sorrows.

Brad: I think I’ll go join Rambler in his cardboard box. We can kick back, relax and play games that are actually interesting. Who’s joining us?

GlowPuff: I’m in!  I’ll bring the Wii U so we can play some serious, adult gam… oh wait.  Well that’s what you get for ordering PIE instead of CAKE last week for the DNF birthday feast.

Brad: Yep, just 3 dudes playing “adult games” in a box. Nothing weird about this.

EarthBound 3 Not Likely to be WestBound Ever

Summary: An EarthBound fan who has worked as a professional game and anime translator begs for humiliation and rejection with his public offering to do translation work on Mother 3 free of charge.

Source: The Mother 3 Fan Translation

GlowPuff: Things like this make me glad I’m in the East instead of the West.  Or is that different…?

Donald: It would be good for Nintendo to take him up on this offer. The chances of me owning a Wii U — when it finally comes out — went up with the announcement of EarthBound. Add Mother 3 to that package. I will definitely get a Wii U when the system launches.

B. Indifferent: I wouldn’t be so wildly excited about these offbeat, groundbreaking RPGs from decades past if you could name anything available today that even comes close.

M. Rambler: What about–

B. Indifferent: Don’t you dare mention Final Fantasy XIV. I will cut you.

M. Rambler: But I was going to say Skyrim.

GlowPuff: And what about Mass Effect 3? The ground literally broke when everyone complained about its ending.

<Bitterly pulls out his cutting shiv and calmly places it on the conference room table>

Brad: Don’t worry, I translated the entire game for you: “Hi, I’m an annoying 10 year old kid! For some reason, I have awesome powers and I’m going to save the world. Now spend the next 100+ hours screaming in frustration as you’re dragged into countless random battles and have to pick fight off of a menu.”

Donald: Bitterly, why are you looking at Brad like that? Are your ears bleeding?

GlowPuff: I think someone just picked “Knuckle Sandwich” off the menu…

Mobile Games Discover Advertising is King… Burger King

Summary: According to Cut the Rope developer, ZeptoLab, it takes piles of money to launch a new mobile game. More specifically, piles of money, merchandising tie-ins, animated websodes, and a helping hand from Burger King to launch a new mobile game.

Source: Wall Street Journal

M. Rambler: So that article is basically saying it takes money to makes money… guess that explains why I’ll always be poor.

Donald: I’ve played the original Cut the Rope. I didn’t think there needed to be a sequel, but as an industry analyst what do I know? I hope this is all a precursor to a new Sneak King game.

B. Indifferent: I guess that makes it less surprising that the quality of free android games remains stuck in the toilet.

Brad: Uh-oh, you used the word “toilet” while talking about an article that mentions Burger King. Rambler and GlowPuff are now scrambling over each other to be the first one to get a poo joke in. Somebody’s going to get hurt.

GlowPuff: But not hurt as badly as the office toilet, AMIRITE?! On a serious note, this is awesome. I’m not at the point where I’m selling merchandise, but I’m actually in the planning stages of making plush zombie clown toys based on my Zombie Circus game. I have a parts list of what I’ll need. I just need to get over to the craft store one of these days.

M. Rambler: Dang it, I can’t believe GlowPuff beat me to the potty humor punch… I was totally gonna go upper-decker on this one!

Current-Gen Consoles Continue Death March

Summary: Video game hardware sales have been declining for 15 months IN A ROW. While game sales have only recently picked up (very slightly) thanks to some recent AAA releases.

Source: Popzara

GlowPuff: PC is doomed!  Or is that irrelevant to this article?  I was reading along until I started seeing a lot of big numbers, and difficult words like “data point”.

Brad: This was inevitable. I mean, sooner or later, you’re going to reach a point where all the people who were going to buy these consoles have done so. Microsoft boosted the numbers for a while with their innovative strategy of making a console that breaks and needs to be replaced frequently, but – much like an Xbox 360 – that was only going to work for about six months or so.

B. Indifferent: I see that the Wii U is at least managing to outsell the Vita. I’m on the edge of my seat with anticipation to see which developer is first to completely abandon their poorly selling, under-supported game system!

Donald: There is a chance that the Vita will pull out of its tailspin when the PlayStation 4 hits. Becoming the system’s second screen may inspire sales. On the other hand, when the PlayStation 4 hits it will not do anything to help the Wii U sales… it might even hurt them a bit. GlowPuff is also right, PC is doomed. Those things are just going to stop selling overnight when Microsoft Excel is announced for the Ouya.

Primed to Suck

Summary: Mark Pacini, formerly of Retro Studios (Metroid Prime series), now of Armature Studios (upcoming Batman: Arkham Origins Blackgate) apparently thinks everything he has ever done has sucked better than a Hoover.

Source: GameSpot UK

Brad: Oh, don’t be so hard yourself, Mark! You just ruined what had been my all-time favorite game franchise. Forever. You strangled it while it was still a child, and buried it in a shallow grave. Nothing to get all emo about.

GlowPuff: Wow, I was about to go buy these games.  But I just found out they utterly suck, according to the man who made them!

Donald: Oh, they aren’t that bad. I mean, as long as you are better than Halo 2 you are doing alright.

B. Indifferent: I guess it’s a good week for directors admitting that they suck.

M. Bay: Hold on there cowboy, stop taking me out of context. None of my movies suck, not even that suckfest Aramageddon.

M. Rambler: Shut the front door. None of your movies suck? Explain Pearl Harbor.

M. Bay: The studio forced to make that pile of crap in order to bless the world with the most aggro, over the top, gonzo action movie ever made… Bad Boys II.

M. Rambler: So, once you’re done with all those horrible Transformers movies, does that mean Bad Boys III is going to crank things up to 12?

Canadians Love a Good Hat Trick, Eh?

Summary: Games with “3” in the title dominated this year’s Canadian Video Game Awards ceremony.

Source: Canadian Video Games Awards

B. Indifferent: Canada has opinions about things, just like a real country? That’s adorable.

GlowPuff: Canada has joined the WORLD STAGE! Congrats!

Brad: On one hand, I’m really happy to see Far Cry 3, which is awesome and you should play it, get a bunch of recognition. On the other hand, going by how many times we see the same nominees over and over,  it appears only about 10 or so games were released in Canada last year. Also, I didn’t see NHL 2013 on that list, which I assume is due to it getting an exemption from these awards, in order to prevent it from sweeping all the awards every year.

Donald: Wait, aren’t all those games developed by Canadian studios? Plus, they gave Assassin’s Creed 3 a “best technology” award? Did the judges get the non-glitchy version that the rest of us didn’t?

Attack of the Clones

Summary: Game developer Vlambeer’s recent title, Ridiculous Fishing, got cloned by another company before it got released, and now it looks like the same thing is happening to their newest title, Luftrausers.  When confronted, the  “publisher” of the cloned title gave a poorly worded defense of why their release TOTALLY isn’t a blatant rip-off.

Source: Kotaku

M. Rambler: Screw cloners. Ridiculous Fishing is ridiculous fun, and after seeing the footage of Luftrausers, I can’t wait to pick that game up for the Vita.

B. Indifferent: I want to see fewer clones of successful games and more games about running Apple sweatshops. What will it take to make that happen?

Brad: I want to see fewr clones of sucessful games and more games about runing Apple sweteshops. Will it take to make that ha  pen?

GlowPuff: Brad, that was a blatant rip-off of Bitterly’s words. Do you have a poorly worded defense to explain yourself? On a serious note, I was going to say we see clones *all the time* in our games. Then I watched the videos, and I have to agree they are eerily similar.

Donald: GlowPuff, Bitterly should not have let us preview his words before he was ready to release them. It’s obvious that Brad generated all his words with tools for since 1 year.

M. Rambler: Well, you tools better be careful about copying words, because while the copyright law the cloners referenced does nothing to protect game designers, it DOES protect expression via LITERARY, artistic, or musical forms. And there you have it. The video games as art argument is officially terminated.

Beyond: Two-thousand Pages

Summary: In a case of viral marketing gone wrong, the script for the upcoming PS3 exclusive, Beyond: Two Souls, gets mailed out to various journalists the day after Earth Day. The catch? It was 2,000 empty pages long.

Source: IGN

B. Indifferent: “Each of the [2,000] pages are completely blank”? So he hates trees, and he doesn’t say anything worth reading? Sounds like a winner.

GlowPuff: WINNER: DARK SOU…. oh wait, nevermind. “Interactive drama”? Is that the new buzzword? If I wanted interactive drama, I’d go read a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

Brad: The entire plot to Mega Man 2 fit on the inside cover of the instruction manual, and I played the hell out of that game. Madden doesn’t even have a story beyond “Win the Super Bowl” and I’ve played that series for over 20 years. I guess this tree killing simulator could be fun, though.

Donald: So, I could write the next great American novel just by binding blank pages together? That sounds pretty easy. I am going to start a GDoc. How many pages should I make it? This thing is going to sell like mad! Even if you are illiterate you can enjoy it!

M. Rambler: Too late. If you go check out the copy room, you will find stacks and stacks of my latest novel, Hammermill Copy Plus Paper, there for the purchasing… and according to the copyright law mentioned in the previous news story, finishing your novel would allow me the right to sue the pants you aren’t even wearing right now off of you.

BBC… Where the “C” Stands for Cash Money, Baby!

Summary: BBC says, “sure we’d love to have more companies pay us licensing fees to advertise create video games/experiences/content based on our beloved television properties.”

Source: Games Industry International

Brad: Wouldn’t it be cheaper and easier to simply clone these unlicensed games like that other company was doing? I’d love to see the original developers try to complain. “Oh, did we blatantly steal your game that was using all our properties without permission and start selling it as our own? Yeah, do something about it.”

B. Indifferent: I think that’s their nuclear option. It’s cheap to clone an existing title, but extortion is even cheaper. “That’s a nice app you got there. It’d be a shame if anything happened to its listing in the online store.”

GlowPuff: I stopped reading at Dr. Who.

M. Rambler: Wait, I’m not even sure if we can discuss or write anything about Dr. Who without getting a call from the BBC to talk about cutting them in on any profits we might make from the conversation. All I have to say, BBC, is good luck with aaaaaaall that. Like my momma always used to say, nothin’ of nuthin’ is nothin’.

Tetris, Solving the World’s Problems One Lazy Eyeball at a Time

Summary: Canadian doctors publish a study proving Tetris works better than an eye patch to correct lazy eye.

Source: BBC

Brad: Tetris – No longer just for training Soviet cosmonauts on how to spread evil communism across the galaxy!

GlowPuff: I remember growing up and hearing the argument that video games were good because they promoted hand-eye coordination in growing children.  Now they’re saying games ALSO fix lazy eye?  AWESOME SAUCE.  Apparently they do nothing for anger management, though, because I routinely throw my controller across the room in frustration.

M. Rambler: Yeah, I used to be terrible at archery… but now thanks to Skyrim… I’m LEGENDARY at it!

Latest SimCity Patch Kicks the Realism Up a Notch

Summary: SimCity was recently updated with a patch set to fix prevalent bugs, however, it seems to have opened up a number of different cans of dirty, disgusting worms.

Source: Joystiq

Brad: SimCity is a balancing act. You can give more funds to schools, but not without taking them from some other critical department, or raising taxes. You can control pollution, but that will hurt job growth and cost more. EA simply applied this “budgeting” approach to fixing bugs.

GlowPuff: People are complaining of increased sewage levels, rising pollution, and an overabundance of taxis.  Hilarious – it’s like reading an article describing complaints in a real city.

M. Rambler: Thems is rich people problems right there. You should see it when my cardboard box down by the river suffers from increased sewage levels and spontaneous pollution… you can’t just hit the reset button on that crap. You actually have to clean it up.

PlayStation 4, Easier to Develop For, Harder to Comprehend… Unless You’re a Rocket Scientist

Summary: Mark Cerny, the lead architect of the upcoming PlayStation 4 talks tech.

Source: Gamasutra

Brad: They fixed the “this thing is hard to program for” issue, which quite frankly never should have happened in the first place. Hey Sony, remember the Sega Saturn? Black console, kinda bulky? The original PlayStation absolutely massacred it? Yeah, that was because it was hard to program for.

GlowPuff: Interesting article, but his intro about the “enlightenment” into the x86 architecture makes it come across like its some new thing that he just discovered. He does realize it’s been prevalent for eons, right? It’s not a secret that it’s a capable platform. Software has been written for it for ages. It’s curious how he says he deemed the x86 platform to be powerful enough by the time the PS4 ships. I don’t understand why it wasn’t powerful enough when the PS3 shipped. Any old x86 PC already outclassed it at the time it shipped. Unless he’s talking costs back then?  Anyways, not a big deal. The hardware looks fantastic.

M. Rambler: Wow… that article finally made me realize there are many (many) people out there in the world who are far (far) smarter than me. All that talk about eDRAMabite GCPU Dance Dance Revolution RAM… well, it dun scrambled mah grits… I just want to know three things. Is it better than whatever a Wii U is? Does it have more than 1.21 gigawats? And does it allow me to play all the great, console exclusive, first party games games that PlayStation is known to offer?. If the answer is yes to any of those three questions, I’m sold!

Guess what else I’m sold on? God of War: Ascention. It was recently sold to me, and now I must shut this whole operation down to go play it… wait, who wants to clean out my cardboard box first???

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