Finishing the Week: Issue 105

 

Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

B. Indifferent: Brothers, I am pouring out a 40 for our friend Brad, of Brad Hates Games. Either he hates games too much to write about them anymore, or he’s fleeing vengeful drug cartel hitmen, changing his name, and moving to a new country. Either way, I wish him the best.

Donald: I made this slow-motion-black-and-white montage of Brad’s greatest Finishing the Week Moments. I set it to Sarah Mclachlan’s “I Will Remember You.” Let’s watch together.

9-15-1 singing

Tony: Well, I’m going to go hate since the beer fridge is empty and Bitterly just ditched our last 40 oz. in tribute, I’m just going to have to go hate some things in Brad’s honor. Let’s start that trend with some news!

9-15-2 illumi no

IllumiDoomed

Summary: Microsoft confirms Xbox 360 and One gamers can only communicate via text, and the IllumiRoom — a unit that projects more TV screen onto the walls of your living room — is currently too expensive to produce..

Source: AusGamers 

B. Indifferent: Why are the coolest toys always restricted to hedge fund managers? 

Tony: Yeah, on our salaries, we can’t even afford the materials to make a miniature Batcave home theater out of papier mâché. 

Donald: Why not just pack the IllumiRoom in with the Xbox One? Who doesn’t want a 2300 dollar console? 

GlowPuff: Because the XBone already comes packed with some OTHER hardware no one wants.

 9-15-3 gta

Gang Theft Auto

Summary: Grand Theft Auto V features a voice acting cast that includes real gang members… even one who was just released from prison the day before his recording… oh the horror!

Source: Videogamer 

Donald:Grand Theft Auto V used real gang voice actors. If you play it you will instantly be a gang member. More at eleven.” 

GlowPuff: Well, he says there will also be some celebrity voice work in the game, too.  As long as they have Ben Affleck in there, I’ll play it. 

B. Indifferent: What? Ben Affleck is a gang member?! Oh, this is a dark day for film, video games, and the entire city of Boston. 

B. Affleck: Don’t be silly, I’m not in this game. I am Batman. 

Tony: Yeah, we remember that. The Internets exploded, and then tried to rationalize it into something not so horrible, but somehow still ended up crying itself to sleep every night since.

 9-15-4 360

Xbox Three Sixt… een?

Summary: With the release of the Xbox One eminent, Microsoft vows to continue supporting the Xbox 360 until the year 2016.

Source: Eurogamer 

Tony: So with 360 and PS3 sticking around for a few years into the next-gen, does that mean the Wii U will be the 5th most powerful console on the market? 

Donald: This is not very surprising, you have a lot of millions of units out there. Not everyone is going to buy an Xbox One right away. Plus you have to keep that hot Netflix support going. 

GlowPuff: You mean that stuttery, non-performant Netflix app the 360 has? 

Tony: Yeah, the one behind their Xbox Live Gold paywall? 

GlowPuff: Yeah, no thanks! I hope the PS4 Netflix app is as clean and slick as the PS3 version.

 9-15-5 ff14

Final Fantasfree

Summary: Thanks to major server issues at the launch of Final Fantasy XIV, anyone who had registered for the game before midnight on September 9th, gets a full week of free play time credited to their account.

Source: The Lodestone 

Donald: Oh, compensation for not being able to connect? I thought it was for playing Final Fantasy XIV. 

Tony: A free week… what? They gave me a free chicken dressed like a Chocobo, and it was deeee-licious! 

B. Indifferent: You could have at least saved some for the rest of us. 

GlowPuff: Do you know what Blizzard gave us for its botched Diablo 3 debut? An apology. 

Donald: Did they? Did they really? 

Blizzard: It was a close. Apology beat middle finger by two votes at our board of director’s meeting.

 9-15-6 quiet

Quietly Erotic

Summary: Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima wants more erotic character designs in his latest title to help encourage more… cosplay.

Source: GMA News Online 

Tony: A game developed in Japan needs to have MORE erotic character designs?!? How is that even possible when they already have the MOST erotic character designs? 

B. Indifferent: Most erotic? Didn’t you tell us about Dragon’s Crown? And did you know that Picdun 2: Witch’s Curse has a female character called “Whipper”? 

Tony: I did not. But my interest for the title is growing by the minute. 

Donald: I had to go check, but Quiet seems to be the natural evolution of the Sniper Wolf design. Then I saw a developer over at 343 thought it was disgusting. Then I remembered that Cortana in Halo is a half-naked hologram lady. Then I realized Internet, and stopped caring.

Tony: At least Quiet’s design is practical. I mean she has that utility belt to hold grenades and stuff. There’s NO way she’s hiding anything in that skimpy bikini. 

GlowPuff: I think he meant “exotic”?  And I think the Quiet character looks pretty goofy.  I lol’d.  But I’m still wearing that for Halloween this year. 

K. Hojima: Calm down, this is all a misunderstanding. I didn’t mean “erotic,” I just forgot how you say “boner inducing.”

 9-15-7 xbone

Xboner

Summary: Xbone may not be the most flattering nickname, but Microsoft just acquired the domain name.

Source: Fusible 

B. Indifferent: See? Kojima was trying to announce the development of a Metal Gear game for the Xbox. 

Donald: They will only own it as long as people don’t demand that they stop owning it. 

Tony: We’ll see. Owning that URL is part of the DNA of their next-gen system. Something like that couldn’t possibly be changed.

 9-15-8 siri

Say Halo to Microsoft’s Siri

Summary: Microsoft is developing, Cortana, its own personal assistant system to rival Apple’s Siri and Google Now.

Source: ZDNet 

Donald: Well, this is what Windows mobile needs. Forget apps and services. You need Cortana calling a bunch of virgins “Chief”. 

Siri: I can talk in an Australian accent. It is hilarious. 

Donald & Tony: We know Australian Siri, we know. 

H. Kojima: Cortana may be a naked computer generated hologram, but I prefer my personal assistants to be a tad more erotic looking.

 9-15-9 Majora

Barrel of Laughs

Summary: When asked if a remake for the classic N64 Zelda title, Majora’s Mask, wants everyone to know that he laughed. That is all.

Source: IGN 

B. Indifferent: If Majora’s Mask is available on the virtual console, then why should they remake it? Especially when they could do, y’know, a new Zelda game? I hear they can be pretty good. 

Donald: “Oh ha ha ha, a remake of Majora’s Mask? That is silly! Did you hear that Wind Waker HD comes out next month?”

Nintendo: We hired a cardboard cutout of Captain Picard to advise us of trends in gaming, it seems to be working well.

Tony: Well, that explains why you went with the cardboard cutout Picard in his trademark double facepalm pose. You guys know that his double facepalm pose means you’re doing something incredibly stupid, right?

Nintendo: We just thought it meant we were up to something so awesome that his eyes simply couldn’t behold it. Guess it’s back to the ol’ drawing board for us!

C. Picard:

 dubba facepalm

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About Tony Lorenzen

Tony Lorenzen, a.k.a. the Midnite Rambler, may just be a bad enough dude to rescue the president... but he's still no Snake Plissken.