Finishing the Week: Issue 102


Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

B.Indifferent: And that, gentlemen, is why the 3DS is my new favorite thing.

Donald: I for one and glad you gave that presentation while pointing a shotgun at us.

Tony: I just bought two of them myself — regular and XL — good thing that was only a double barrel shotgun.

Glowpuff: Did it have to be seven hours of PowerPoint slides?

B. Indifferent: Only because I edited out the other seven, which I’m about to start screening now.

Tony: Oh look, everyone, NEWS!

8-18-1 kinect2

The Blind One

Summary: Xbox Mark Witten reveals to IGN that the Kinect 2 doesn’t need to be hooked up to the Xbox One for the system to function.
Source: IGN

B. Indifferent: With God as my witness, I will find a way to make a “brown eye” joke about this.

Donald: Bitterly, the fact that Microsoft backed down from yet another one of their console’s “core features” is the joke.

GlowPuff: Gentlemen… I put in a pre-order for the XBox No Longer home entertainment system. Allow me to explain:
Xbox No Longer Requires Kinect
Xbox No Longer Requires 24 hr connection
Xbox No Longer Has DRM
Xbox No Longer Has region lock
Xbox No Longer Prevents you from trading games
Xbox No Longer Comes without a head set
Xbox No Longer Craps On Indie Developers

Further, I am going to arrange my Sony Eye camera so that it stares down my XBone Kinect camera for eternity. A permanent Mexican Standoff!

Tony: So you’re getting the Xbox One packaged with the Kinect then? Why not just save $100 and get the launch day console that comes without it?

Microsoft: Wait, how did you know we were going to offer a launch day console without the Kinect for $400?

Tony: We helped you fire that jackhole, Don Mattrick, and you still think your customers are idiots?

8-18-2 3ds

Half of “Jack Squat” Is Still Squat

Summary: Judge cites lack of profits from 3DS hardware in decision to reduce $30.2 million settlement paid by Nintendo.
Source: My Nintendo News

B. Indifferent: I’m actually impressed by the 3D graphics I’ve seen on the 3DS. You know, in the few games that actually use them.

Tony: What a proud moment for Nintendo. It’s been proven in a court of law that their handheld console is a money pit, and it doesn’t even remotely attempt to use it’s main gimmick.

Donald: I wish I had been the guy to invent that slider to turn the 3D effects down. I would have made a fortune suing Nintendo. That thing gets used more than the 3D!

GlowPuff: I’m surprised Apple or Samsung (or both!) haven’t gotten in on this lawsuit. The icons have rounded corners, so I’m sure someone’s patent got violated.

Donald: At Some point Apple will have to stop suing everyone and start innovating again.

Apple: BOOM! …hey, WAIT!

8-18-3 call of duty

Call of Duty Eclipses Humankind

Summary: If you add up all the hours spent playing Call of Duty, it shows that people have played Call of Duty longer than people have been on the planet.
Source: Game Informer

Tony: WINNING!

Donald: Some may argue that that time could have been spent building society up. I argue that it kept the racist, homophobic, sexist kids in a pen. Theoretically, the rest of us have been living a happier life.

B. Indifferent: I’m not sure I agree. Is it really a good use of resources to keep these undesirables from acting out their harmful impulses?

GlowPuff: It certainly kept me in my pen.

Tony: And it keeps me trapped in the increasingly insipid single player campaign. Why do I keep buying these stupid games?

8-18-4 pets

Virtual Sadness

Summary: EA’s shut down it’s “popular” Facebook game, Pet Society, effectively euthanizing 100’s of thousands of virtual dogs and cats. Many former pet owners decide to boycott EA.

 

Tony: Think of all the irresponsible virtual pet owners that were probably avoiding the cleanup of all that virtual pet feces… no wonder EA shut ‘er down.

B. Indifferent: I take back what I said earlier about keeping undesirables from acting on their impulses. These are the kind of people who would have been cat hoarders in real life, and we’ve unleashed a terrible force on helpless pets across the country.

Donald: From the article “ “Shutting down Pet Society is like someone coming into our house and shooting one of our real cats.” I imagine this is what is wrong with Detroit!

Detroit: It’s true, now that our virtual cats are all dead, our virtual rat infestation is raging out of control.

8-18-5 Zynga

Micro-Managed!

Summary: Don Mattrick starts shaking things at Zynga to see what falls out.
Source: Reuters

B.Indifferent: The article focuses on the one dude who left, as if having 13 people simultaneously demanding the CEO’s time makes any kind of sense.

Donald: Bitterly, the fact that we are talking about Zynga for yet another “week” is the joke.

D. Mattrick: I thought the joke was hiring me. Have you seen all the clean-up the folks at Microsoft have been doing now that I’m gone?

GlowPuff: Well that explains why I just got a pink slip handed to me – looks like I got canned from Zynga, too. Oh wait, this is the bill for last week’s POOL OF CHILI that none of you chipped in for.

Doanld: Sucker.

Tony: Hmmm… I guess that explains why the janitors quit…

8-18-6 Xbox

Tactical Retreat

Summary: After making grand promises to release in more countries than most U.S. school kids know of, Microsoft changes plans.
Source: GiantBomb

GlowPuff: The XBox 180 – making an about-face around the world.

Donald: Microsoft is providing a good product here. The endless march of pre-launch disaster stories.

Tony: I’m going to make a tactical retreat of my own… to go play Dragon’s Crown while waiting for the release of Dive Kick. I suggest we all follow suit. We’ll see you next week!

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About Tony Lorenzen

Tony Lorenzen, a.k.a. the Midnite Rambler, may just be a bad enough dude to rescue the president... but he's still no Snake Plissken.