Finishing the Week: Issue 100

Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

Brad: Man, I can’t believe I left my iPod at the office before going on vacation. Well, I’ll just sneak in real quick and get it while everyone’s at lunch and nobody will be the wiser…

Tony: Why hadn’t we thought of ordering lunch in before? Getting a 640 gallon tub of chili delivered to the office is AWESOME!

Brad: Wait, what are you guys doing here?

Donald: We decided to stay here for lunch. What are you doing here?

Brad: I left my iPod in my… Wait, is that a swimming pool of chili?

B. Indifferent: And a Meister Brau castle!

Brad: You know what? I think I can hang around and do FTW this week, guys.

GlowPuff: Why hasn’t anyone said anything about my man-kini yet? I wore it special for the pool of chili.

Tony: Well, Brad, you made it back just in time, because today is a special occasion. Issue 100, and to honor the moment I plan on playing Castle Crashers with that Meister Brau fortress. Let’s get to the news before I black out.

8-4 regieReggie Fils-Aime Getting Smashed?
Summary: Nintendorks have run amok and created a petition to get Nintendo of America COO Reggie Fils-Aime into the latest Super Smash Bros as a playable character.
Source: CVG

Brad: Oddly enough, another petition starting going around about the same time asking that all other characters in the game get a “blatant nut kick” attack. Wonder what that’s about?

GlowPuff: This will still not get me to buy a Wii U. Put Chuck Norris in there, and maybe we can talk.

Donald: So a petition gets Xenoblade Chronicles released in the United States. Now every time Nintendo fans want something a petition is generated. Hey, I’ve got one:

Dear Nintendo, please release some games for the Wii U.

GlowPuff: Remember, a petition also got Mass Effect 3 a new ending. Wasn’t there some other game petition this year, also? I can’t keep track of them anymore.

Tony: So if this petition works, what special abilities will they give RF-A in game?

Donald: He keeps yelling Play the Game at the characters, they become confused and lay down to die.

R. Fils-Aime: Behold the power of DISCONERDFRO INFERNO!!
Tony: Psh, big whoop. I’ll Laserbeard that fro right off your head.

8-4 marioToo $hort
Summary: Amazon Japan is selling life size statues of Mario and they are a whopping 5 feet tall, so we’re going to go ahead and assume this is post-mushroom Mario.
Source: Newlaunches

Donald: Wait, if he is 5 foot after he eats a mushroom, how tall was he before? Are we talking mini-Ash from Army of Darkness? I am suddenly terrified of Mario!

Tony: I think we should all be terrified of Mario. If he’s that short AFTER eating a mushroom, that little greaseball is bound to have a major Napoleon Complex.

GlowPuff: I think I’ll just wait for them to sell life size statues of… other things.

Brad: I plan to buy one, put it in my front window, and have a SWAT team storm my house brandishing red koopa shells.

GlowPuff: I bet the shipping will cost more than the item itself!

B. Indifferent: It’s all fun and games until the contractor working on your roof sues you for damages he sustained after touching one of your twirling chains of fire.

8-4 star controlBitterly Indifferent’s Hopes to Control Stars Will Be Raised, Dashed Anew
Summary: Game developer, Stardock, has bought the rights to make a new Star Control game, possibly a remake of Star Control 2
Source: The Armchair Empire

B. Indifferent: That’s right, Stardock, why should Capcom have all the fun? Go ahead and taunt me with more games I’ll never get to play.

Donald: Gearbox has my Homeworld. We should just start a club. A sad club that sits around talking about space sims of the yesteryear.

Brad: Me and my Tie Fighter squadron would like to join your Sad Club.

GlowPuff: Wow, I remember this game. I had Star Control 2, good memories! I’ll be watching this one. Add Wing Commander to the Sad Club. Wait, isn’t Chris Roberts supposed to be rebooting that game already?

Tony: Guys… I may have just solved the mystery of our dateless streak throughout high school and college.

8-5-5 OuyaVast Majority of Ouya Owners Reportedly Tightwads
Summary: Nearly 75 percent of Ouya console owners haven’t spent a dime on games for the system.
Source: Ars Technica

Tony: Wasn’t this in the cards from the start? I mean, when your system is designed around required free to play game demos and retro ROM emulators, aren’t you kind of asking for these pathetic numbers?

GlowPuff: I’m a PC owner, and I haven’t paid for a single game in my life. BOO-YA~!

B. Indifferent: However, 100% of Ouya owners have dismissed annoying in-game solicitations for “freemium” content!

Brad: This is compared to the, what – 99% of Wii owners who never owned a game other than Wii Sports? And that system was a smashing success!

GlowPuff: Sadly, those kitchen devices that “slice and dice” do more than the Wii. That thing just sits there…and plays Wii Sports.

Donald: But that system is from Nintendo, Brad. If Nintendo knows one thing it’s how to make a successful home console. Just look at their latest entry, the Wii U.

GlowPuff: Wait, this article is about the Ouya. How did Wii U get into this? Do we hate the system that much? Oh…

22-5-wiiUU just got lapped
Summary: The Wii U isn’t selling, and for two straight quarters, it’s still not selling even less than it’s older brother, the original Wii.
Source: Slate

Donald: I stand corrected.

Brad: Well, here’s where my “Wii U is the Dreamcast all over again” comparisons finally end. Say what you will about Sega’s sad little final console, at least it never had to worry about competition from the Saturn. Of course, neither has any other console, ever.

B. Indifferent: I hear the Virtual Boy is excited to have a new neighbor in Nintendo’s graveyard of terrible tech ideas.

GlowPuff: Wii U is now the fat kid in gym class. He tries hard, but he’s still getting smoked by the nerd from the Chess Club.

Tony: Wow, look at Q4 2012 when the Wii U was released. The original Wii went from 600,000 in sales to over 2.2 million. Wii U sales would be a lot higher if all those people weren’t confused about which console they were buying.

6-8-5 ZyngaZynga Zyngoing Bye-bye
Summary: Zynga continues to lose money and users at an epic pace, while new CEO Don Mattrick looks to turn it all around.
Source: Polygon

Donald: I hope… I hope they make Dustbowl-ville

Brad: Or Detroitville.

B. Indifferent: Wait, when did Zynga release Farmville U?

GlowPuff: Just wait, things will start looking up now that Don Mattrick is at the helm! He’s just full of great ideas…

Tony: Yeah, I imagine Mr. Mattrick is a lot happier over there. Humans seem to have gotten over the fact that cell phones and PC are pretty much always online monitoring everything we do. Now he doesn’t have to try to ramrod stupid devices like the Kinect down everyone’s throat.

8-4 bobbyBobby Behind Buy Back
Summary: Bobby Kotick and friends help Activision Blizzard gain independence from parent company, Vivendi, by purhcasing $8.2 billion worth of shares.
Source: Ars Technica

Brad: This article reminded me of two surprising factoids I had long forgotten – that Activision Blizzard even had a parent company, and that Sierra Games was still a thing as recently as 2007.

Donald: So Bobby just had like 100 million dollars sitting around? Did he look over at the fireplace and say “Well, I was going to burn the fireplace money, but I probably should buy Activision from the French.”

GlowPuff: Speaking of money sitting around, anyone lose a satchel filled with hundred dollar bills? Appears to be blood stains on some of them.

Tony: That’s not blood, it’s chili.

B. Indifferent: When you’re done using my mysteriously procured satchel money for napkins, I’ll need it to pay off the chili hot tub.

8-4 ea moneyMost of EA’s Money Stems from Digital Sales
Summary: EA Plans to ride the DLC gravy train until it runs out of rails.
Source: ARS Technica

Donald: This will all lead to one thing. Having to buy the “Press start” prompt on the start screen in Madden 35.

Brad: Cheering for either EA or GameStop to defeat the other is like watching Godzilla battle the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man for the right to stomp all over your city. You might have a preference, but the end result is going to be bad no matter what.

GlowPuff: Aye, just like that pool of chili everyone is guzzling through straws. Indeed, the end result is going to be bad.

8-4 shadowrunShadowrun comes out, Nobody tells Bitterly
Summary: Kickstarter(ed?) sequal to the cyberpunk classic sees the light of day.
Source: The game’s developers.

Brad: Hey, have you guys been playing this new Shadowrun? It’s pretty good!

Donald: This game is so good, everyone is playing it. If you’re not I highly doubt you are cool.

Brad: You know who would love this? Bitterly. Let’s not tell him about it! You know, for the sake of general meanness.

B Indifferent: Hey, what are you guys playing?

GlowPuff: A Wii U.

Brad: Playing? No, we’re uh… working. On spreadsheets. Boring ol’ spreadsheets.

Tony: Bitterly, stop shooting me that stinkeye. I’m the News Editor, not Bitterly’s Release Date Curator. So until you print out some new business cards for me, I’ll let you borrow this mirror.

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About Tony Lorenzen

Tony Lorenzen, a.k.a. the Midnite Rambler, may just be a bad enough dude to rescue the president... but he's still no Snake Plissken.