Finishing the Week: Issue 99


Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

Tony: What’s up, Docs?

B. Indifferent: I discovered Fortune Street recently, and it’s absolutely magical. People, this is the game that could save the Wii U!

GlowPuff: I discovered how many calories are in a McDonalds quarter pounder recently, and it’s absolutely disheartening. However, this will not deter me from future quarter pounding.

Donald: After Bitterly told me that Fortune Street existed for the iPhone I gave it a try. Can someone look up the number for a Fortune Street rehab clinic. I see needing one in my near future.

Tony: Do you have the strength to put the phone down and cover some news with us? Consider it your first step to Rehab Ave.

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Number Games: Xbox One Catching Fire

Summary: Xbox One could out-ship the PS4 3:1 at console launch this fall. Couple this with Microsoft reversals of unpopular policies like DRM and “always online” and the next-gen console war is starting to heat up.

Source: Games Industry International

B. Indifferent: I guess this is a good thing? The next time gamers say they’ll throw a tantrum if they don’t get what they want, companies will think of this and realize that there’s money to be made by listening to them?

Capcom: I’m not convinced. This outlandish theory of yours needs more evidence before it can be accepted as fact.

Donald: You know Capcom, I am convinced you believe that.

Tony: It’s nice that Microsoft reversed all those policies in the face of that angry mob… but what if they really were trying to drag us kicking and screaming into the future of gaming? They could have just as easily stuck to their guns and the angry mob’s three second attention span would have gotten over everything just as easily as they have gotten over Microsoft calling them stupid idiots for fearing change.

D. Mattrick: I’d like to take a moment to thank all you stupid idiots out there who got me fired. Now please download some Zynga shovelware.

GlowPuff: Gentlemen, it’s going to be OK. I just preordered a PS4, putting it one solid unit ahead of XBone preorders.

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GameStop Exploiting Developers and GameStart Cutting Them In on Sales

Summary: Ready at Dawn head, Ru Weerasuriya, would like to see developers get a cut of used game sales. He also freaked out on a GameStop employee who tried to sell him a used copy of the game game he was attempting to purchase new.

Source: Games Industry International

B. Indifferent: Note to GameStop employees — Don’t try to sell used games to a software developer.

Donald: Seriously, know your audience every GameStop employee ever.

Tony: But the typical GameStop audience consists of annoying moms with their five annoying children, pimplefaced teens without any cash, and creepy old dudes like me who still play video games. All three of those groups are cheap suckers who would readily accept the modest discount.

GlowPuff: This guy sounds really butthurt. Here is a band-aid and an “Exit Only” sign. Playing Devil’s Advocate, I could say DVDs and Blu-rays are sold as used with no one being butthurt about it.

Hollywood: Oh, we are being hurt by used DVD and Blu-rays. We would totally love the extra cash brought on by their sales. But that would mean we’d just have to hire more accountants to hide all that extra money we’re making. We sure as heck wouldn’t want to have to give some of that back to the creative forces behind the films we produce.

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Nintendon’t <3 Japanese Indie Developers

Summary: Nintendo says “Thanks, but no thanks” to indie developers based in Japan.

Source: Kotaku

B. Indifferent: Alternate headline, “Nintendo develops plan of action after running a cost/benefit analysis for how much they’d make from indie sales vs. how many hours they’d have to spend weeding out fetish games featuring tentacles, schoolgirls, and tentacle schoolgirls.”

GlowPuff: Thing is, those are the kinds of games that will finally boost Wii U sales.

Donald: I love indie games, but I do have a crushing fear of Japanese indie games. Lets face it, the anime that gets released in the US is very tame compared to what is out over there. So if their indie games are not even making it here, then things must be real bad.

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OUYA Having Adequacy Issues

Summary: The Android powered open source OUYA is out and so far game sales have been poor to adequate. Related news: Nintendo jealous.

Source: Ars Technica

Donald: If anyone is shocked by this news, it would be a good time to leave the Did Not Finish family. When you have to lay the system on it’s side to reduce control latency, you have problems.

B. Indifferent: Ranging from poor to adequate? OUYA sales numbers are similar to every performance review I’ve ever had at work, then.

Tony: When have you ever gotten a performance review of “adequate”?

Donald: After getting me black out drunk he wrote “adequate” on his own performance review.

GlowPuff: I am chewing zebra Fruit Stripes gum. When I chew Fruit Stripes gum, my performance is always “exemplary”. Did anyone else ever grind up Sweet Tarts hard candy into a powder and sniff it when they were kids? Or was that just me? That always boosted my performance, too. The teacher taught us that one.

Tony: So you’re saying the OUYA needs more sugar?

GlowPuff: What’s that? I just snorted some Sweet Tarts and can’t hear you over the unicorn rainbow disco tapdancing on my brain.

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A Match Mad in Heaven

Summary: Gaming Peripheral developer, Mad Catz, throws its hat into the open source, Android powered console race.

Source: Game Rant

B. Indifferent: Poor-to-adequate sales have tempted a poor-to-adequate peripheral company to release a console of their own? This could be a match made in that heaven that nobody really cares about.

Donald: Hey Sega, are you seeing this? THE TIME FOR DREAMCAST 2 IS UPON US! YOU CAN HAVE POOR-TO-ADEQUATE SALES TOO!!!!

Nintendo: Come on in, the water is fine!

Nvidea Shield: Don’t you mean the water is poor-to-adequate?

OUYA: Yeah, adequate is the new AWESOME!

GlowPuff: BREAKING! The Mad Catz gaming console’s name has been changed to the Me Too.

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Size Isn’t Everything

Summary: While the Xbox One will continuously record your last 5 minutes of gameplay footage, the PS4 will record a whopping 15.

Source: CVG

Donald: Ten more minutes of storage space for racist ten year olds to scream homophobic slurs? Well that just sounds like the best thing ever.

Tony: Or an extra 10 minutes to freestyle rap.

GlowPuff: Sign me up. I love anonymously freestyle rapping racial and homophobic slurs.

B. Indifferent: There’s never been a better time to hate multiplayer online gaming.

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Why Just Play Games, When You Can Google Play Games

Summary: Google Play Games, Android’s answer to Apple’s Game Center launched this week. You can now enjoy leaderboards, achievements and cloud saves for all your favorite Android mobile titles.

Source: GameWoof

Donald: Now Google users can not use Google Play Games as much as I don’t use Apple Game Center!

GlowPuff: Agreed. As little as I game on my iDevice, I never sign into Game Center.

Tony: But then how do you brag to your friends about all your awesome gaming achievements?

GlowPuff: I don’t.

Tony: But then how am I supposed to brag to you about all my awesome gaming achievements?

<GlowPuff enjoys two prolonged snorts from the mound of powdered Sweet Tarts sitting before him>

GlowPuff: What’s that you say? The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man just swallowed me whole and I can’t hear you over this candy chainsaw I’m using to carve myself free from his marshmallowey bowels.

Tony: So you don’t care that I’m better than you at Candy Crush Saga?

GlowPuff: No, right now I am more intimate with Candy Crush Saga than you could ever hope to be.

Tony: True. Google Play Games probably doesn’t have an achievement for that.

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Amiga Ami-goes Google Play

Summary: In a huge coup for Google Play, Amiga plans to launch its mammoth library of classic retro titles for Android powered devices this fall.

Source: Polygon

Donald: I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing for Bitterly’s sanity. Either way, we all win. Unless we play these games, then we will probably be losing.

GlowPuff: I was unaware there were “classic” Amiga games…?  Sadly, the article also fails to name a few titles for me.

B. Indifferent: Yeah, but are we talking about more crappy Pong remakes, or something worth playing? RIVER RAID 4 LIFE!

Tony: The comments section of that article seemed to be abuzz over some game called Sensible World Soccer. A quick internet search on soccer revealed its world is anything BUT sensible. Sorry, Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf, you just lost the top slot on my World’s Most Ironic Video Game Titles Ever charts.

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The Fast and the Gran Turismoious

Summary: Let’s hope you like the Nissan Skyline, because if Gran Turismo’s typical in game car lineup is any indication, you’re going to be seeing a lot of them in the new Gran Turismo movie.

Source: Joystiq

B. Indifferent: Confusion over this movie was the reason I bought a ticket to see Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. I don’t know if I can handle that kind of disappointment a second time.

Donald: I doubt Sony will let the Gran Turismo car’s be involved in criminal activity, so prepare yourself for Fast and Furious without the heist stuff.

Tony: After witnessing every rule of logic and physics being broken (with authority) in the safe heist finale of FF5, I’m kind of ready for a car movie without all the shenannigans.

GlowPuff: I’d like to see a Fast and Furious type of movie take place up in the air, with jet planes. Or helicopters!

Tony: So you’re probably going to see Disney’s Cars sequel abomination, Planes, the day it comes out?

GlowPuff: Yes, but only after jamming an entire box of Sour Patch Kids up my nose holes. That’s how I roll.

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EA Maddened

Summary: Robin Antonic, developer of the original Madden football game, won a lawsuit against EA giving him $11 million in royalties. It also opens the gate for future lawsuits against EA and it’s derivative series post 1996… when profits really began to soar.

Source: IGN

Donald: Take that EA, 11 million dollars. Wait, will they even notice that is gone?

GlowPuff: About as much as they notice gamers screaming for change from their Madden games.

Tony: Holy crap! I doubt the rest of us can top that rebuttal. I say we all drop our mics and walk away. See you next week.

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About Tony Lorenzen

Tony Lorenzen, a.k.a. the Midnite Rambler, may just be a bad enough dude to rescue the president... but he's still no Snake Plissken.