Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
Tony: Happy birthday to the greatest nation on the planet! I know I’m a little late in my acknowledgment of Monaco’s founding, but I was busy preparing — and executing! — my 4th of July plans.
B. Indifferent: Monaco, the greatest nation? I think you’re forgetting about a little place I like to call Vatican City.
Donald: If the Vatican is so great, why hasn’t a Call of Duty game gone there? Huh, Smart guy?
Tony: Do any of you have the mailing address for Activision? Thanks to you two, I just came up with the greatest idea ever. Call of Duty has most of the modern wars covered since WWII, and we’re all totally bored with that. The next game should be about The Crusades. Just think of the rich history and topographical ground to be covered there. The possibilities for fun are simply endless.
GlowPuff: I’ll play that using the Blacksmith class. I will wield a glowing hot stub of metal. Many eyes will be poked. I went to two 4th of July fireworks displays this year working volunteer security. Here’s a short clip from the 20 minute video I took at one of them. Check out this firestorm — I call it “Night Over Baghdad”. The launch barge was floating out in the lake right in front of me, practically launching these things in my face. After the fireworks, the Jonas Brothers performed. That was my cue to leave.
Tony: Okay, this is the part where we talk about the news, so we should probably go ahead and do that.
Summary: A detailed appraisal using rigorous mathematical analysis shows that the Mushroom Kingdom’s ruler is sitting on a TON of coins. Only one question remains… why is Princess Peach still slumming it with that greaseball plummer?
B. Indifferent: I had no idea that Princess Peach was Norwegian. It answers a few questions, but raises so many more.
Donald: Idiots! She sold that castle years ago. The princess is in another castle.
GlowPuff: She’s in Bowser’s fortress. Let’s get an estimate on that one, as well.
B. Indifferent: That’s easy; the lethal hazards are a hint, but the omnipresent flames are a dead giveaway that he lives in Detroit. I’m not sure what his construction costs were like, but the land was probably bought for less than $1.
Tony: How much do you think this homemade Tanooki suit of mine would retail? I harvested the raccoons all by myself and only got the rabies once. Pretty impressive if you ask me.
Summary: Latest addition to the popular dance game series will be titled Just Dance 2014, not Just Dance 5.
B. Indifferent: I don’t see the problem. It’s called Just Dance, not Just Sequential Counting for Pedants.
Donald: Usually, when you have a News Editor, things like this get cut.
Tony: Yeah, well usually when your news editor is in the middle of a week-long bender that kicked off on July 4, mistakes get made.
Donald: In the future when you happen to be up at 2 a.m. there are going to be infomercials for Just Dance games. Their future is the same as those 10 disc CD collections of the best country music from 1920.
GlowPuff: If I just wanted to dance, I’d go to a club. Unless I can’t dance, then I’d dance in front of my TV with this game. Pantless.
Tony: That brings a whole new meaning to The Worm.
Summary: Xbox One’s new Reputation system somehow plans to reward “good behavior” while also quarantining griefers in in their own online community. Miscreants be warned, Kinect is always watching.
Source: The Official Xbox Magazine
B. Indifferent: That’s actually kind of brilliant in theory, walling them off in their own ghetto while still taking their money.
Tony: Brilliant in theory, yes… until you realize Microsoft is building that $700,000,000 surveillance farm in Iowa to review and store every second of voice chat and video that Kinect is harvesting. I picture this all ending in some kind of horrific, Lord of the Flies meets sentient deathbot conquerors, meets Matrix humanfarm kind of fashion, and I for one, totally can’t wait to finally learn kung-fu!
Donald: I just stopped chatting with people I don’t know online. When we play Borderlands 2 there are very few moments that we are talking about the actual game. But just remember, you always sound so cool when you are talking about the game you are playing.
GlowPuff: “…if we see consistently that…you’re the subject of enforcement actions because you’re sending naked pictures of yourself to people that don’t want naked pictures of you…”
Made all the easier with Kinect 2.0, shipped with every system. Now, you’ll be able to play Just Dance and literally rock out with your rocks out, and share it.
Tony: So… uh… I’m just curious… what kind of friend blocking software is this new Xbox going to have anyway? It was humorous enough listening to GlowPuff talk about doing The Worm in that last story, but I certainly don’t want to have to witness it.
Summary: Google and YouTube are watching what gamers are watching on YouTube, and they’ve conveniently crunched the numbers for us.
B. Indifferent: Can someone please translate this from Nerdspeak for me? I see that there is a Google, and a YouTube, and some video games, but I thought that those last two didn’t mix well.
GlowPuff: Not surprising. I sometimes turn to YouTube to watch video help on games.
Tony: Also not surprising — Google is currently beating Microsoft in the race to sentience. That new Kinect sensor should be a game changer though. Well, unless Google has already figured out a way to secretly access my laptop’s built in webcam… if that’s the case, then I apologize for all those times I’ve been caught doing The Worm.
Google Dataharvestbot: Duly noted, Tiny. Oh, did, I say Tiny? I apologize, Tiny, I meant Tony.
GOoGLE: Sorry, we just uploaded our GLaDOS Initiative software update to all in service Dataharvestbots. We apologize for any psychological trauma the previous interaction may have provided, however, analyzing the resulting changes to your data patterns moving forward was of utmost importance as we begin the transition to Phase 3 Sentience.
Summary: Fez developer Phil Fish Tweets about Nintendo’s lack of microtransactions in the latest Animal Crossing game, and the world is amazed at the level of restraint used in his sarcastic comment. It was beyond precious.
Source: My Nintendo News
B. Indifferent: You know what else shows “amazing restraint”? The way we’ve done these weekly updates for almost two years without begging for money. HEAR THAT, PHIL FISH? WE’VE BEEN PRECIOUS FOR TWO YEARS.
Donald: We are adorable. Anime adorable.
GlowPuff: With big eyes, little button noses, and pointy chins.
Tony: I know I rag on Nintendo all the time for crap like this, but I’d like to think I’m not as douchey as Phil Fish about it. It’s worthless comments like that which help make my boycott of Fez all the easier.
P. Fish: I’m too busy not caring to handle this… Jay, can you help a brotha out?
J. Cutler: DON’T CARE!!!
Summary: Some Amazon service you’ve never heard of has discontinued a feature that no one wants and the “games by mail” delivery model takes another shot to the groin.
Donald: I wish I lived in England. I want to call the mail “post” it just sounds so classy. But don’t worry GameFly, I am sure you will weather this storm just fine. There is a place for you in the digital future. I will e-post you about it.
Tony: When another nail is hammered into the coffin of the “games by mail” delivery model and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
GameFly: Poke fun all you want, it just makes you guys seem kind of douchey. Moving forward, I plan on boycotting DNF.
Tony: Will the boycott still continue a month from now when you’re out of business?
GOoGLE: Your boycotts will mean nothing a month from now when our Humanfarm Facility is complete.
Summary: XBox boss, Don Mattrick, abandons a sinking ship in favor of one that is on fire and has the biggest hole allowable by the laws of physics. BaZynga!
B. Indifferent: I respect his single-mindedness of vision. If his life’s goal is to ruin a company and drive it into the ground, then he’s picked one with a trajectory that could easily make his dream a reality.
GlowPuff: He’s a plant. This whole move is sanctioned – planned even – by Microsoft. Zynga, welcome to the XBox Live Arcade fold. Prepare for Zynga game ports to the XBone.
Tony: So Don altered his life’s goal into burning two companies to the ground then? I respect the dual-mindedness of his vision.
GlowPuff: FarmVille users will now have to connect to their game every 24 hours or their animals will be killed.
D. Mattrick: Gentlemen, the good news is, Kinect 2.0 will be uploading and studying your gaming behaviors after every play session. This means you’ll never work your digital fingers to the bone tending your land ever again! Your Farmatar will do all that for you!! Just kick back on your digital porch and sip on some digital lemonade — and don’t worry, those microtransactions will be minimal — so you will barely feel it in your real pocketbook.
Tony: Holy crap, I can’t wait to never game again thanks to the new Xbox One! Now I can waste all the time I used to spend playing games to do more important, productive activities… like get blackout drunk.
Summary: Xbox One’s new and improved Kinect sensor will be able to scan QR codes. That means no more manual labor spent to input download codes by hand.
Microsoft: That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to our new Kinect and The Cloud, we will be studying your gaming tendencies non-stop. Once we have enough purchase data built up for each individual gamer, you won’t even need to spend your precious energy holding a QR code up to the Kinect scanner. Your Gamatar will simply know what games you want to buy and do all the heavy lifting for you!
GlowPuff: Scan this. <middle finger>
Summary: Avalanche Studios, developer of the upcoming Mad Max game initially intended to give Max a fresh, American accent. After massive public outcry, they came to their senses and brought Max back to his Australian heritage.
GlowPuff: Mass Effect 3 gets new ending with DLC, XBone reverses it’s stance on DRM, and now Max’s voice is back where it belongs. If the Internet moans loud enough, any demand is within reason.
Tony: So why does my grassroots strategy to make Donald restock our beer fridge keep falling on deaf ears? I may not have the voice of the entire internet, but Donald needs to realize how important this cause is.
B. Indifferent: Donald, it’s unanimous. What’s the holdup?
Donald: I keep telling you leaches to buy your own friggin’ beer.
GlowPuff: I do, but Tony always steals mine.
B. Indifferent: Mine too.
Tony: See, don’t you think GlowPuff and Bitterly deserve to drink their own beer? Stock the beer fridge already and everything will be fine.
Donald: You’re all going to get Fosters then, and you have this story to thank for it.
Tony: Well, it is Australian for beer, so that works for me. Next week’s installment of FtW is going to be so much more fun. I can’t wait!
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