Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
Brad: Hey, guys, this is going to be my last FTW for a while. I’m going away on vacation this summer and… wait, who is this guy? Did you hire my replacement already? I’m coming back in a few months!
Matt: Calendars are relative. This chair is super comfy, by the way.
Brad: Dude! That’s my desk – get out of there. And those are my pens! I stole those out of the supply closet when Donald was in the bathroom.
GlowPuff: Oh I see. So YOU’RE the one that stole those pens I stole from Microsoft!
Donald: Isn’t the supply closet also the bathroom? Is that why that got weird?
Matt: I licked the desk, it’s mine now.
Donald: So this is the reason I will never borrow anyone’s Oculus Rift. EVER!
GlowPuff: You mean the sweat ring around the perimeter of the unit where it attaches to your face? OH. I should have read the article first.
B. Indifferent: What’s an Oculus Rift, and how is it superior to internet pornography?
Brad: Sorry, I can’t see the words “erotic adventures” without thinking of this.
Matt: Your move, Google.
GlowPuff: I’d like a game like this, but with Disney characters in it. Characters like SINderella and her evil, latex-garbed sisters. And their wicked mom.
Matt: Would you kindly eat your sea protein?
GlowPuff: I don’t look like that, either. I look like the stud on the cover of BioShock Infinite.
B. Indifferent: This could be the most awesome thing ever. Are Ken Levine fans familiar with the plot of Logan’s Run? Or with what happens to their demographic in the story? Huge numbers of middle-aged gamers crowding into theaters, getting told “YOU SHOULD BE ROUNDED UP AND KILLED.”
Matt: At least they’ll have a bucket of popcorn to cry into when their world comes crashing down. Also, does Logan’s Run take place underwater? If not, I’m sure it will now.
Donald: I often wonder how much of Bioshock is fondly remembered for it’s setting and not it’s script? Sure, the story was there but how much of what you experienced– that couldn’t be scripted– is what you remember fondly?
Matt: I remember a whale at the beginning and old man mustache. Something with a golf club.
GlowPuff: I remember the sea protein.
Tony: After witnessing the Wii U launch window, I just assumed Nintendo’s used game policy was “don’t release games”.
B. Indifferent: Yeah, urgent memo to Satoru Iwata — nobody’s discussing games because you haven’t given us games to discuss.
Donald: I played a Wii U game… it was… hummm…. I know its an HD remake…Crap! Nevermind.
GlowPuff: I was in a Best Buy recently and I saw some kid playing a Wii U. The tablet controller looked very unwieldy and awkward in his hands. Then I browsed around the media center area and realized a 60 inch flat panel TV would be unwieldy in my own hands.
Matt: Nintendo actually makes a pretty good point. I couldn’t tell you the last time I saw a worthwhile used Nintendo game in a store. Then again, I can’t remember the last time I actively sought one out.
Brad: I still have my copies of Goldeneye 64 and Ocarina of Time somewhere, so this “make games people want forever” is actually not a terrible idea. Ironically, the N64 wasn’t a console I wanted to keep around forever, so it’s not like I’m still playing those games, either.
Donald: Of course they are trying to pass a law to protect you from the NSA spying on you… I mean DVRs…
GlowPuff: What if I just setup my own camera in my room, recording at all hours? Not that I do that…
B. Indifferent: Managing the potentially evil uses of technology with an opt-in mechanism and carefully managing your user preferences? I’m sure this will end well.
Matt: Xbox, record! Everything I’m doing forever and always.
Brad: Well meaning legislation, but these guys ought to know better than to give it a frightening name like “We Are Watching You Act”. That’s not going to sound good when their opponents accuse them of supporting it in the next election. See, that’s why when congressmen pass laws that are scary, they give it a positive-sounding name like, oh I don’t know, the PATRIOT Act. They don’t do because every Wednesday on Capitol Hill is opposite day.
Donald: The real dark secret here is that they don’t want to accidently seduce a campaign worker while a Kinect is watching. Just to have the video totally not being collected by Microsoft from being leaked on the internet/harvested by the NSA.
Microsoft: Great, now this bill to work around. Will we ever catch a break before this thing launches later this year?!
Requiem for an XBone
This long-winded opinion piece from The Guardian rounds up quotes from everyone capable of saying nice things about Microsoft’s console-that-might-have-been.
Brad: First of all, let’s give Microsoft credit for cramming the good news into one of the most passive aggressive press releases of all time. “Oh, we’re happy to do this for our loyal customers, I guess we hadn’t realized they expected to have their cake and eat it, too.”
B. Indifferent: TL;DR. He could have summed up about eight paragraphs just by saying “Entitled crybabies are why we can’t have nice things.”
Donald: I bet this has nothing to do with Sony pointing at Microsoft at their E3 press conference and yelling “LOOK, THEY ARE MAKING PS3 LAUNCH LEVELS OF MISTAKES! LULZ!” I am guessing they planned to not have the features they unveiled, less than a month ago, all along.
Sony: Yeah, the Xbox One launch was on track to be a complete failure, and we know from experience.
Matt: That sir, is the wonder of buzzwords and Twitter marketing! Everyone gets their voice heard, even if it costs a company tons of money to fix!
Mouthing off on Twitter is a bad idea? You can say that again.
Ousted creative director Adam Orth proves that if at first you don’t succeed, you can always make a living off the speaking circuit.
Brad: The more I hear about this guy, the more I have to believe Adam Orth’s last day at Microsoft probably resembled the only funny Wizard of Id comic ever published:
MS Manager: Our consumers are revolting!
Adam: You can say that again.
Donald: I think his talk might be interesting. The internet exploded and he lost his job. I didn’t see Don Mattrick losing his job after he confirmed that the XBox one would need to check in every 24 hours. I just don’t understand how Microsoft didn’t understand that keeping that feature after Orthgate wasn’t going to be a good thing.
Matt: You can say that again.
GlowPuff: Don Mattrick didn’t lose his job over it because he said it nicely. Orth was rude about saying the same thing.
Brad: “Cancelled” is coming to their senses. This is expecting people to pay $300 to experience the worst idea since the Virtual Boy, which is better described as only slightly less insane than their original plan.
B. Indifferent: Paying money for Android games is insane, but buying hardware specially designed for Android games is dialing the insanity up to 11, putting underpants on your head, and standing on the roof of your house screaming about alien invasions for sixteen hours straight.
GlowPuff: I’ve done that before, but only for 1 hour. And those weren’t furry boots I was wearing. Those were my cats.
Matt: I’d comment but I know about as much about PC gaming as a rock knows about the weather. I’m lucky this thing lets me type anymore.
Donald: To be fair, the Shield is not a bad product. It could be neat if it connected with my Steam account. But I still think that if you are going to throw $300 dollars at something, Sony has this thing called a Vita. It’s better.
Sony: We do? We haven’t seen any marketing for something called a “Vita”.
Wii U: What’s a Vita?!
Vita: What’s a Wii U?!
Matt: “What a surprise!” – Said no one ever.
Donald: No. My money is on late October. Because Battlefield 4. That’s why.
GlowPuff: “Get that one for PC – that’s where the real gamers are.” © 1995 The Internet
Matt: If anything they’ll be shooting for the Call of Duty Bro-Brigade.
Battlefield 4: Meanwhile, I’ll just be shooting the Call of Duty game box.
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