Finishing the Week: Issue 91

Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

Donald: Finishing the Week, ON!

M. Rambler: Did you mean on, or one?

B. Indifferent: One thing I’d like to mention is that I’m going into hiding- vacation, I mean going on vacation for a couple of weeks. It has nothing to do with any unsolved crimes in the area, and nobody needs to check the dumpster out back for corpses.

GlowPuff: I can tell things are getting bad when my garbage smells better than I do.

Brad: Here’s a fun fact – Guns N’ Roses bassist Duff McKagen actually made most of his money by investing in Microsoft stock after the band broke up. If he hasn’t sold it yet, he probably should. Like, immediately.

GlowPuff: Unrelated – remember that crummy cell phone footage of my tricopter I shared eons ago? Pretend that never happened, and watch this new one instead. It had a bit of a rough takeoff because I had my dual rates switch in the wrong position (flight mode) on the transmitter.

M.Rambler: That’s a good point, GlowPuff. News Mode, On!

5-26-1 One
Slate of the One union:
Summary: The house that Bill built reveals the device that Steve dreamed of.
Source: Slate

Donald: For what they showed, I thought the Xbox One was really cool. I don’t have cable TV so all that stuff didn’t apply to me. I don’t ever want to use Internet Explorer on my TV and all the other features would probably be easier to do on a tablet… But it played the Star Trek movie and that is all that matters.

GlowPuff: I saw Star Trek in the movie theater, so I don’t need this device to play it for me.

Brad: It’s a rare article about the stuff the Xbox Open Grave could (potentially) do well, which is a lot of things that don’t involve playing video games. But let me ask you a question; if a device like this already existed, you know, something that essentially organized all the media you already had – TV, movies, internet, Youtube, Netflix, Hulu, etc. and made it all super easy to use, how much would you pay for this device? I couldn’t see myself paying more than $50 for the added convenience.

GlowPuff: My HTPC did all the things you mentioned (before it died last year).

B. Indifferent: Which raises a valid point — relying on one device for all your entertainment needs makes it much more unpleasant when that device breaks.

Brad: Also, am I the only person in the world who doesn’t like voice controls? Talking to my TV doesn’t make me feel like I’m living in Star Trek, it makes me feel like an escaped mental patient who has conversations with inanimate objects.

GlowPuff: When I talk in the world, no one listens to me. Why should I believe the XBone will listen to me?

Donald: I’m with you, I don’t like talking to Siri. She is so much smarter and eloquent than me. There are also far more situations where not talking while watching tv is better than talking while you are watching TV.

GlowPuff: That’s where Kinect comes in. Now you can just wave your hands while watching TV. Be warned that anyone nearby may think you’re having a seizure induced by the screen flicker. Unless you’re watching football. In that situation, waving your hands and shouting at the screen is normal behavior.

M. Rambler: True, but will that normal behavior be translated into you wanting to change the channel by Kinect?

GlowPuff: No, it will be interpreted as you struggling for assistance. XBone will call emergency services at that point.

Brad: And as someone who has had the extremely unpleasant experience of having to call the Xbox service hotline, I can say that Microsoft hasn’t really convinced me that they’re particularly good at voice recognition. “NO I DON’T WANT TO SIGN UP FOR XBOX LIVE ACCOUNT! I SAID MY XBOX 360 STARTED ON FIRE AND MY HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN! NO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THE OPTIONS AGAAAAAAAARGH IT BURNS!”

5-26-1 One
“Xbox, Bad!”
Summary: Not everyone is dazzled by the Xbox One. Here are 5 reasons it ruins everything.
Source: Cracked

Brad: It’s like Microsoft is running some bizarre experiment to see just how bad they can make a console and still have people buy it. The Xbox 360 showed them that having a console that breaks every 3 months wasn’t a deterrent, so now they’re really pushing the bad features with the Open Grave. If this thing sells, next generation they’ll design a console that doesn’t do anything other than act as a homing beacon that attracts serial killers to your house.

Donald: Here is an interesting thought, how is Xbox One going to handle the more Adult media? I mean, it’s dangerous to turn your back on them. I guess the voice recognition won’t listen when little Bobby says “Xbox, Spice!”? It would just be some strange admission to yourself to say “Xbox, Porn.” from across the room. I am so confused by this thing!

5-26-2 indie
Xbox One flips the One at indie devs
Summary: Unlike Sony, Microsoft has no plans to let indie developers self publish on the Xbox One
Source: IGN

Brad: Well no, but you can’t self-publish for the PS2, Gamecube, or Dreamcast either. We just didn’t have that kind of capability back in 2001 when the Xbox One came out… wait, why is this even news?

5-26-3 stocks
One+One+One+One+One+One+One+One+One percent
Summary: After the Xbox One reveal Sony stock jumps up nine percent.
Source: IGN

Brad: As gamers, we sometimes lose sight of this, but Sony’s a really big company that makes a lot more things than just Playstations. So there’s a lot of other factors that could have led to this surge, and I doubt we can draw any real conclusions from it. I’d be much more interested to see if the Xbox Open Grave reveal led to a massive surge in PS4 preorders.

B. Indifferent: Apparently, it led to a massive surge in Wii U preorders, and since the report came from “My Nintendo News,” I’m sure it means that the Nextbox is doomed.

Donald: I can just see Kaz Harai talking a bunch of his billionaire friends into buying Sony stock just as the Microsoft press conference starts. I would hope he would time it with the exact moment they show the hardware. I don’t really think it had anything to do with the Xbox One, but I am not a Stock Analist.

Brad: Wait, did you just say Stock “Analist”? I think you might be doing investing wrong.

GlowPuff: As an Industry Analist with a minor in Proctology, I have to agree.

Brad: Just wondering – is a stock analist like a finacial advisor who’s really anal-retentive, or is it someone who only invests in asses, or does it mean “stock” the same way it does in stock car, which is to say that all the analists are basically the same? Please Donald, tell us more about stock analists, we’re dying to know.

Donald: Seriously? You guys don’t understand Stock Analizing? You just look at how hard the market is giving the shaft to investors. Why are you guys laughing? This is a is a problem effecting the back end of every business in the world!

5-26-4 atari
Atari still has assets?
Summary: Atari plans to auction off their remaining game assets in July.
Source: IGN

B. Indifferent: I don’t know what surprises me more — that Atari owned Total Annihilation, or that they think people would still pay money for it.

Brad: Hey, for a cool $1.5 million, you could buy the rights to Test Drive, then just slap that name on any kind of crummy racing game that comes along and try to sell copies on brand recognition alone. I mean, it’s worked for the last 15 years.

GlowPuff: I’d like to buy Pong. Also, I had no idea they owned Total Annihilation! One of my favorite PC games. If TA was a VHS tape, I can safely say I would have worn out several copies of it.

Donald: I hope that someone who has a lot of money and a fondness for video games purchases these. I would hate to see the kind of mess that surrounded System Shock 2 spring up every 10 years when the gaming hive-mind wants to play an Atari game.

5-26-5 japan
Meanwhile in the land of the rising Playstation 4….
Summary: After the Xbox 360 was “phased out” the Xbox One’s future in japan is uncertain.
Source: IGN

B. Indifferent: Announcements in the future that might delight people? If I lived in Japan, I’d be pretty delighted about not needing to worry whether the kid next door was going to burn down the entire neighborhood with his overheating Nextbox.

Brad: Eh, how big can the Japanese market really be? They don’t even play Madden over there.

Donald: Because focusing on the Madden and Call of Duty kids made the Xbox One reveal SO EXCITING! What is a Fifa?

GlowPuff: A Fifa a French pastry. I thought everyone knew that? It’s like asking what a croissant is.

Donald: What’s a croissant?

5-26-6 crackdown
Microsoft trolls Crackdown fans.
Summary: An icon for Crackdown appears on a screen during the Xbox One reveal. The internet wonders if this is a sign that the Agents are returning?
Source: VG247

B. Indifferent: WAIT, STOP THE PRESSES! You guys, a familiar symbol was included on a slide in a corporate presentation! This totally explains Microsoft’s entire development strategy for its new console. Also, Phil Spencer’s announcement from the previous story was eerily correct: I’m delighted to hear that there are people at Microsoft who can create slide presentations using PowerPoint.

GlowPuff: As long as it wasn’t the Pi symbol, I think we’re all safe.

M. Rambler: So, is Crackdown 3 going to feature the exact same city and graphical
assets of Crackdown 2… which in turn used the exact same city and graphical assets of Crackdown One?

Brad: Wow, Crackdown 3! I wonder if it will also have Ridge Racer.

Donald: Crackdown was a great game. Then Microsoft got involved and gave us Crackdown 2. They would have to be on Crackdown 2 to think that Crackdown 3 is a good idea.

5-26-7 china
Some people are taking their love of Temple Run A LITTLE TOO FAR
Summary: Breaking News: Man in China runs naked through the streets. Black boxes follow him.
Source: Kotaku

Brad: Fortunately, Microsoft’s ambitious plan to put an always-online camera in people’s living rooms means we won’t have to rely on China to provide our daily dose of unwanted nudity much longer.

Donald: I didn’t find this terribly shocking. Maybe it’s time I stop playing Saint’s Row the 3rd?

GlowPuff: It’s pretty obvious what he’s doing. He works for a porno company. They were shooting a scene, and realized they forgot to bring the crucifix prop (don’t ask). This guy simply made a late night run to get it out of storage. If you read the story, it says he was seen the previous month running through the city carrying a sex doll. Again, he was just carrying a prop to the movie set. Also, it is befitting all this happened in the WANGjing area. Nice touch!

5-26-8 bb
The Xbox One is Big Brother’s dream come true.The Xbox One has nothing to do with Big Brother.
Summary: The Xbox One will watch your living room 24 hours a day. Don’t worry, the year 1984 passed a long time ago.
Source: Techno Buffalo

Donald: Remember when people were scared of Big Brother and fought to get away from spying eyes? It seems all we had to do was put these tracking information in our phones and games systems. Then people willingly purchase and use them. I often feel like smacking people who use foursquare then complain they have no privacy.

Brad: The Big Brother stuff is getting a little carried away, I think. So maybe the government makes requests to Microsoft to have access to your Kinect and spy on you in your home. It’s not like if they saw something they don’t like they can just send a flying killer robot to your hou… oh wait.

5-26-9 dreamcast
Is there a dark shadow being cast on the Wii U dream?
Summary: Could Nintendo be following the path that Sega built for the Dreamcast?
Source:IT Tech Post

Brad: Oh, someone is comparing the Wii U to the Dreamcast? Welcome to the party, pal.

Donald: It’s not a fair comparison. The Dreamcast was just crushed by the PS2. To Sega’s credit they were putting games out for it right up to it’s death. You hear that Wii U? PUTTING OUT GAMES.

Brad: Really good games, too, like Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation and ECW Hardcore Revolution… oh hey, I think I just figured out why the Dreamcast failed.

GlowPuff: ROFLCOPTER. Wii U has games now?
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About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd