Finishing the Week: Issue 89


Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

M. Rambler: This week was crazy. Donald restocked the beer fridge… and I went and got Trailer Trashed.

B. Indifferent: I’m excited that Allie Brosh updated Hyperbole and a Half with a new post, but I keep going back to her magical post about how the alot is better than you at everything.

Donald: I had assumed that Dragon’s Crown would never come to the US so I wrote it off. Now it is coming out. Is there any way to buy it without feeling like a scumbag? I really think the elf looks cool.

M. Rambler: I would supply a link to the Dragon’s Crown sorceress trailer right now, but I think Donald would bump my status as Senior News Anchor down to Pervy Old Internet Creepster.

Brad: If buying Dragon’s Crown makes you feel like a scumbag, then buying just about any game probably makes you feel like a scumbag. And the ones that don’t probably aren’t fun. If you really want to clear your conscience though, I think I have a copy of Barbie Vacation Adventure around here somewhere.

GlowPuff: Cake.

M. Rambler: Yeah, that game was pretty easy. I beat it before coming into the office today. Twice. But you know what can’t be beat this week? The news!

5-12-1 Wii Droid
Jellybean U

Summary: You soon won’t need a smart phone to play mobile games… You’ll just need a Wii U tablet.

Source: Polygon

M. Rambler: I’m getting really tired of ragging on Nintendo all the time about the Wii U… but they just make it too darn easy. Do you know where crappy mobile phone games work best? ON YOUR MOBILE PHONE… not on a small television monitor with limited touch controls that needs to be tethered to your house to operate.

B. Indifferent: Guys, Nintendo just announced that Mother III will be available on the Wii U! Just start running OUYA software on it, and then load the Nintendo emulator, and then find a copy of the Mother III files…

Donald: So, if the game requires dual touch on the screen… how does that work? Wait, why isn’t Nintendo focusing on getting real games out on the Wii U when it comes out?

M. Rambler: Because console gaming is dead and mobile is the future.

Brad: “Nintendo will also renew focus on developing new, first-party software,” you don’t suppose that means, like, NEW new first party software, do you? Yeah, who am I kidding? Get ready for new and slightly improved versions of Mario Party, Smash Brothers, and Animal Crossing on the Wii U in the near future.

GlowPuff: You know what the next step after running their games on mobile is, right? Answer: Their games running on other consoles. You heard it here first. It’s Industry Analyzing 101 folks! I did a thesis on this.

5-12-2 movie games

Wild-Eyed Lunatic Calls for more Substandard Video Games Based On Movies

Summary: Iron Man 3 scores big at the box-office, but don’t look for a tie in game on your home console, it can only be found on mobile. Hardcore gamers rejoice.

Source: Forbes

B. Indifferent: He’s right. Disney is passing up a huge opportunity… to flush massive amounts of cash down the toilet. By not releasing a video game tie-in for Iron Man 3, they’ve been able to keep more of the profits from the movie. What kind of poor decision-making skills would lead someone to do that?

Disney: A strong willed board of directors laser focused on profit.

Brad: Seriously, did this guy just get here from 1993 or something? Because the ol’ “make a game based on the movie” infinite money trick hasn’t worked in a long time. Can’t wait to hear some of this guy’s other fiscal advice – maybe we can invest in some Yahoo! stock or a Ryan Leaf rookie card.

GlowPuff: The “infinite money from games based on a movie” hack was patched in 1998.

Donald: The last good movie tie-in I played was Escape From Butchers Bay. That was not really a tie in, Pitch Black was more of a tie-in to the game. But if you want to fill the market with iOS games based on movies more power to you. I don’t have an iOS device so I won’t have to review them.

M. Rambler: But you can still force Bitterly to murder his soul by reviewing the Android versions… right???

5-12-3 always on

You Thought the Next Xbox Was Always Online… Don’t Be Silly

Summary: Leaked internal emails reveal that the next Xbox won’t require an always on internet connection. The internet breathes a sigh of relief. The internet community however, remains sceptical.

Source: ARS Technica

GlowPuff: Great. Now I’ll have to find something ELSE not to like about it. Thanks for making things more difficult.

B. Indifferent: I’m glad Microsoft sent out that e-mail clarifying that it was always their intention to provide a system that didn’t need a constant connection to the internet. But they could have saved time by using the same message to announce that they have always been at war with Eastasia.

M. Rambler: Good luck on that land war, Microsoft.

Brad: Oh hey, the next Xbox again, huh? Hold on…

grave

You just keep putting out those press releases, Microsoft. I’ve got plenty of signs.

GlowPuff: Staples is running a special deal for their Print and Copy services right now. You can get a good deal on having more signs made.

Donald: They need to send a second internal email around to inform all Xbox employees that this is NOT how you launch a system. Seriously, this is PS3 levels of blunder and confusion. If you have to “leak” an internal email to debunk a rumor you may just be doing it wrong.

Nintendo: You… umm… well, you wouldn’t happen to have any suggestions about how to do it right, would you? We’re about to launch this thing called the Wii U… we’ve had all our game developers diligently working on the system for years and now we just have to give them a few more years to develop some launch titles for it.

5-12-4 star wars

May the ForcEAlways be With You

Summary: Disney signs a multi-year, multi-game deal that grants EA exclusivity to the Star Wars franchise.

Source: IGN

Donald: Lets be honest guys, Star Wars is garbage at this point. We were young when it was awesome. Then over the years it has become crap. There is more bad Star Wars material than good. At this point, I just don’t care who is making what. Star Wars died… a long time ago… in a galaxy far, far away.

Brad: It couldn’t just be that Star Wars was always like this and we just got older, could it?

M. Rambler: Nostalgia… it’s a hell of a drug…

B. Indifferent: So what I’m reading is that Mellody Hobson’s Fiance got tired of gouging other companies for the right to sell licensed Star Wars junk, and he let Disney take over?

M. H. Fiance: I got tired of the yearly dink and dunk license fees and decided one massively huge lump sum fee from Disney was just a heck of a lot easier.

Brad: The initial response has been a lot of anger from gamers, bukt the developers that are actually going to be making new Star Wars games are the same companies responsible for Battlefield, Mass Effect, and Dead Space. Jeez guys, what else do they need to have on your resume before people are happy? It’s not like LucasArts was this awesome publisher who had a history of putting together all-star teams to make stuff like Star Wars Demolition.

GlowPuff: I just want the LEGO Death Star and LEGO Star Destroyer.

EA: Are you sure you don’t mean the LEGO Death Star the Video Game and LEGO Star Destroyer the Video Game titles we have coming out later this year? Big thanks to Mellody Hobson’s Fiance… he just now showed us the error of our ways regarding movie tie-ins and licensing fees.

5-12-5 patrice ubi

UbiSoft Assassinates a Member of the Brotherhood

Summary: Nothing is true, everything is permitted. except continued employment.

Source: Game Informer

B. Indifferent: He wasn’t joking when he said that not serving Poutine in the lunchroom was a deal breaker.

Brad: Patrice! You will work for us even if that means we have to buy every game studio in Montreal! That’s right, both of them!

Donald: What on earth was 1666? We don’t know. All we know is the Ubi was scared to death of it. I mean it’s not like the AC series took a brutal nose dive after Brotherhood… oh wait.

GlowPuff: I think that is the year Columbus discovered Atlantis. Right? Or is it your top score in Pole Position?

Canada: We just got our first Pole Position arcade cabinet… can you please give us the secret to such high scores?

5-12-6 Blood Dragon2

Far Cry: Blood Dragon 2ranosaurus Wrex

Summary: Voice actor and 80’s movie icon Michael Biehn could be ready to take up the mantle of Sergeant Rex ‘Power’ Colt one more time in a sequel to Far Cry: Blood Dragon.

Source: IGN

B. Indifferent: So he doesn’t own a game system, he hasn’t bought the game, he doesn’t know how to play games, but he’s super convinced that this is what the gaming public wants? I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong.

Brad: Is it just me, or is Michael Biehn trying really hard to remind people that he’s been in stuff? Look man, nobody has asked you if you were the guy from The Victim, because nobody saw The Victim. Though I suppose it is probably hard to make a name for yourself when you’re most famous roles involve you being overshadowed by Bill Paxton and Val Kilmer.

M. Rambler: Wrong. When John Connor sends you back in time to bang his mom so he can be born, you have officially made it.

Donald: I want to see the next Blood Dragon in a 1920 gangster film style. Gangsters on an island, robbing island banks. The Dragons can say “See?” a lot.

5-12-7b BF forever

Buckle in for Another 40 Years of “Modern Warfare” Games

Summary: EA owns the domain names for Battlefield2.com through Battlefield9.com and Battlefield13.com through Battlefield20.com… but not the eventual millionaires who currently own Battlefield10.com through Battlefield12.com

Source: Fusible

Donald: This is a good investment unless you pull a THQ.

Brad: Coincidentally, GoDaddy has been running a “Register 7 Domains, get a sexy picture of Danica Patrick” promo all month.

B. Indifferent: That reminds me, Donald — we need to diversify. I think we should register domains for Did-Not-Finish-2 through 491. You know, for science. Just give me the DNF credit card, and I’ll take care of it.

M. Rambler: Too late. Already done, but you can use that credit card to over pay for any number of those domains. I promise I’ll use some of the profits to refill the beer fridge.

Donald: Alright that sounds legit. Should we hire more people to write for the other sites? Or should they just be GIF’s of cats?

Brad: If we get those domains registered soon enough, they can be .gifs of Danica.

GlowPuff: Is there fan service in that GIF?

M. Rambler: Is anyone else hot in here? I’ve been Googling Danica Patrick for the last few minutes, and I think I could use a little fan service myself.

5-12-8 SotC

BREAKING NEWS: Some people have too much free time on their hands

Summary: Are there more Colossi hiding in Shadow of the Colossus? Stay tuned… some very determined people are willing to spend their lives finding out.

Source: Eurogamer

B. Indifferent: If there actually was a big conspiracy to hide a massive secret inside Shadow of the Colossus, this is exactly the kind of story they’d publish to throw you off the scent.

Donald: Has anyone thought of looking in the game’s code? It may be able to tell you if there is a 17th Coloussusiusosusis. I didn’t know you could get up to that garden. I also didn’t care.

Brad: This article gave me new ideas on what I should expect from a game. From now on, if a company expects me to pay $60 for a game, I had better still be playing it eight years from now.

GlowPuff: When (if) I finish a game, I put the disc back in its box, never to lay eyes on it again. I don’t continue to squeeze every drop of value from it (real or perceived) that I can, over a number of years. Well, unless it’s Diablo 2. That was an exception.

M. Rambler: Sorry guys, can’t talk now… just fell off the wagon… beating Skyrim for the 5th time.

5-12-9 economy

Even Video Game Economies Face Inflation

Summary: Both Auction Houses in World of Warcraft were recently shut down after some hooligans discovered a gold replicating exploit. Blizzard death squads were sent to hunt down any transmuters, and both auction houses are now successfully back online.

Source: Battle.net

Brad: Right now, Ron Paul’s avatar is running around WoW telling everyone to get rid of their worthless gold and adopt a currency backed by the Pincer Entrails standard.

M. Rambler: Is anyone else hungry right now?

GlowPuff: Oddly, there are billboard signs around town telling me to sell my gold, too. Hmmm!! Coincidence? I think not.

Donald: Okay, okay, I am with you! Sounds logical. Should we find a fort and stockpile guns and panda skins?

B. Indifferent: There’s never been a better time to hate online gaming. I just started playing Dragon Quest VIII last month, and the amount of gold it costs to buy leather armor and a boomerang has remained unchanged since the original Dragon Quest was released in 1986.

M. Rambler: You know that the next two Dragon Quest games had a lot of online content, right?

B. Indifferent: See? Online gaming ruins everything. Just ask Adam Orth’s career.

A. Orth: You know what? Janesville, WI isn’t that bad after all. Turns out they were willing to give me a job… not like those mouth-breathers over in Blacksburg, VA.

5-12-10 kotick

Question: What’s a Wii U? Answer: Dissapointing

Summary: Is Activision’s Bobby Kotick putting Nintendo on notice by calling the Wii U’s launch “disappointing”?

Check out some Armchair Analysis from a fellow Industry Analyst, who’s a bajillion times more credible than Michael Pachter.

Source: Armchair Analysis

Brad: TL/AF/DR

B. Indifferent: AF?

GlowPuff: Acne Face.

Brad: About finance. I get enough of that keeping the books around here. By the way, we used up almost the pizza budget for the month already, so we’re either gonna need donations or, and I hate to even consider this, order Little Ceasar’s the rest of May.

B. Indifferent: I would rob girl scouts at gunpoint and steal their cookie money before I let us stoop to that in this office.

M. Rambler: That’s pretty much Bitterly’s answer to anything money related. It’s like his own super-secret gold exploit.

GlowPuff: Really? Little Ceasar’s are only 5 bucks for a large. It’s not the best pizza in town, but… 5 bucks man.

Brad: Two words: Rocket Ass. That’s what you’re really buying for 5 bucks.

M. Rambler: Only two words… what??? Do you have some kind of iron gut? I could fart War and Peace after eating Little Ceasars…

B. Indifferent: Let’s focus on the news — Activision issued a press release, people are desperately mining it for news, and a lot of them are focusing on one word Bobby Kotick used, even though it’s the exact same one he used three months ago.

Donald: WHAT? The Wii U is out? Why don’t we have one in the office? I bet there are a ton of games we need to review on it.

Brad: Sorry, we didn’t put anything in the budget for “game systems nobody wants”. Same reason we’re not getting an Xbox Open Grave later this year. I mean, I guess we could try to take the money out of somewhere else, but the last time we tried to move funds out of the beer budget, Rambler got a little, uh, laser-eyes-y.

<Rambler grits teeth, squints eyes, and stares ominously across the table>

GlowPuff: He also came into the office wearing full camo, dual wielding Sporks from the mess hall.

M. Rambler: Dual wielding? Disappointing, GlowPuff… you should know by now that I also keep a set of Sporks sheathed in my combat boots for just such quad-wielding occasions.

<Rambler grits teeth, squints eyes, takes off combat boots, and stares ominously across the table>

5-12-11 dead space

John Carpenter Wants to Make a Dead Space Movie, and I Say We Let Him

Summary: John Carpenter says he’d love to make a Dead Space movie, but also admits to buying Aliens: Colonial Marines… is he to be trusted anymore?

Source: Video Gamer

Hollywood: You know what a Dead Space movie needs? Co-op. It needs co-op for sure. John, where do you stand on co-op, and how would you implement it into the film’s core structure?

GlowPuff: The co-op part will come with the breaking down of the “fourth wall”. In other words, the protagonist will talk to the audience.

B. Indifferent: I want to see more John Carpenter movies that include escort missions.

Brad: I kind of want to see John Carpenter make a movie version of a game that was based off of one of his movies, John Carpenter Presents: The Thing for Xbox (The Movie).

Donald: *Beats head on desk*

5-12-3 always on

Glitchapasplooza

Summary: Celebrate some of the greatest glitches in all of video games. Side note: discover yet another reason to avoid Assassin’s Creed III.

Source: Cracked

Brad: Hey look, you can play Assassin’s Creed as Glowpuff!

GlowPuff: Hey look! It’s me! Wait, what am I doing?!

Donald: Oddly, its what you are doing right now… Stop.

M. Rambler: Wait… I had no idea AC III had Kinect support… looks like I’ll be buying the PS3 version after all. Makes me kind of scared for AC IV on the PS4… not really looking forward to that share button anymore…

Not exactly the send off I was looking for, but Blood Dragon calls and we’ll see you all next week!

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About Tony Lorenzen

Tony Lorenzen, a.k.a. the Midnite Rambler, may just be a bad enough dude to rescue the president... but he's still no Snake Plissken.