Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
B. Indifferent: This week I spent some time as an insane rogue AI, and while there were some fun moments, it was just a little too steeped in hippy “love all mankind” crap for me.
Brad: Thanks to a weird timing coincidence, my wife and I both got paid within a few days of each other, and as a result, right now we have more money than we’ve ever had in our lives. Sadly, this is still not a very big number. But we’re going to celebrate all the same, and I might even order TWO things off the dollar menu!
Donald: Single Dollar Bills Y’all!
M. Rambler: McMake it McRain McDollar McMenuaire!
Donald: I’ve been pondering alternate realities lately. More to the point, am I as Awesome or slightly less Awesome as I am?
M. Rambler: Calm down, Big Shooter, you’re not nearly as awesome as the news this week.
Summary: Check out this retro “advergame” designed to promote the musical stylings of something called a Skrillex.
GlowPuff: I had to stop reading at this line: “The premise should be familiar to anyone who grew up with a Nintendo Entertainment System”. Reason? I grew up with this thing called “Real Life”, so I wasn’t stuck in my room playing video games every evening, like everyone else ( big lie – I was ). And is it just me, or does Skrillex sound like the name of some creature out of the Star Wars universe? Quick, someone hand me a phaser from the Star Trek universe.
B. Indifferent: A Skrillex bit my sister once, but she got better.
Donald: Hang on, I am playing what is obviously the DNF Game of the Year.
GlowPuff: Waitaminute Donald, I believe the DNF Game of the Year goes to Peter Molyneux’s Curiosity. Hold on, this just in…my bad, Curiosity is this year’s DNF GRENADE of the Year. It’s the game your buddy “jumps on” (plays) to protect you from its horribleness.
Brad: By the way, thanks GlowPuff.
M. Rambler: I dunno guys. I think you’re being a little harsh. I found the Skrillex game mildly enjoyable. Is that because my computer speakers were broken?
GlowPuff: Yes, you missed out on the best part of this game, says I. The doctor, however, says my ears will stop bleeding in another two days.
Brad: A tribute to 8 bit games featuring the music of Skrillex is sort of a weird combination, considering that most of us who were around for the NES era are probably saying, “What’s a Skrillex? Some kind of cooking device? Back in my day, we just called all this beepy-boopy crap techno and we listen to real artists like the C+C Music factory. Now get off my lawn.”
Donald: That was amazing Brad, you said “C+C Music Factory” and “artists” in the same sentence, all the while holding a straight face. Most impressive.
M. Rambler: Keep up the sarcasm, buddy, and I’m gonna make you sweat till you bleed… with my fist.
Brad: Wait, did you mean me, or Donald?
M. Rambler: I have two fists.
Summary: Reliable insiders state Microsoft is releasing a new Xbox next year, and the only thing left to determine is how to handle the big reveal.
B. Indifferent: Special “Xbox Mini” to be released two weeks later.
Brad: Xbox malfunction-related house fires expected to spike in December 2013.
M. Rambler: Indeed. The first Friday after Christmas day will forever live in infamy as Blackened Friday.
Donald: The Ground Zeros Ring of Death?
M. Rambler: No, Microsoft solved the Red Ring of Death issue by morphing the power/controller lighting array indicator from a circle into a square shape. People are going to have to come up with a new name now that the ring is out of the picture.
GlowPuff: I dunno what everyone is excited about. I’m already playing on that dev unit I got off ebay a few weeks ago. You know, the one that seems to only play porn discs. I play on it quite a bit, if you haven’t noticed. The locked door and closed window shades is only because I’m trying to preserve the immersive game experience…
M. Rambler: You mean perverse and not preserve, right?
Summary: Yosuke Hayashi of Tecmo’s Team Ninja announces Dead or Alive 5 Plus by pulling a Vita out of his pants.
Brad: Hahaha, as if people still care about the Dead or Alive series. Nice try, time travelling reporter from 1998.
Donald: The amount of jokes that can be made about a handheld Dead or Alive game is mind blowingly staggering!
M. Rambler: I hear they are going to forego using the control sticks, D-pad, and face buttons all together and go completely touch screen for this version.
Brad: I’ve always wondered if the control scheme to the first Dead or Alive game was simplified so that it would work better with the PSX one-handed controller. I actually had one of those controllers, but rather than using it to play softcore games while having a hand free for, uh, other activities, I used it to play Final Fantasy VII while eating Arby’s sandwiches. It’s possible I wasn’t the coolest teenager in the world.
B. Indifferent: I keep confusing this with the Left 4 Dead series, which is a problem because I never remember which one you’re supposed to play with your pants off.
GlowPuff: Winner – Dark Souls. Also, I read that DoA for Vita requires that you choose “Fight” off of a menu. Did anyone else notice that throughout the video, the font size kept changing? By the end of the video, it was so condensed I couldn’t even read it with my Coke bottle lenses. Also, was he wearing a “Fighter” medallion around his neck? He doesn’t even look like he’d last in a fight with thin air. Fricking geek.
M. Rambler: GlowPuff, there are a lot of people out there who would lose a fight with thin air… they are called asthmatics… and it’s not right to compare them to this geek with the “Fighter” necklace.
Summary: First Lady, Michelle Obama, has no idea what a Wii U is. Is she a regular DNF reader? Because we’ve been wondering the same thing for months.
Donald: The First Lady of the United States doesn’t keep up with new console releases? SHOCKING! I bet most gamers don’t keep up with politics.
B. Indifferent: It’s debatable whether most gamers even know what a lady is.
Brad: No worries, Tom Jones can help explain.
M. Rambler: I swear upon all that is holy, if you are attempting to poke fun at another one of my musical touchstones, I will go Black Betty on you and Rambler-lamb your face until you have the Chills and Fever.
Donald: This is the real best cover of Black Betty. All other versions are invalid.
M. Rambler: I hate you all. EVERYONE knows the original Ram Jam version is the bestest music video ever put to film. AND IT WILL NEVER BE TOPPED.
Donald: Unless Beiber covers it.
Brad: That Ram Jam video makes the strongest case for time travel ever. I don’t know when, or where, that was, but I want to go to there.
M. Rambler: That’s it, I quit.
GlowPuff: So this turned into a music post now? What about the Wii? I read a review of the console, and I STILL don’t know what a Wii U is. All I know is that it isn’t good for much of anything.
Brad: Oh man, it’s weird here outside the hardcore gaming bubble. I ran into a guy who didn’t know what a Ryu was, and when I went into a bakery and said that their cakes were a lie, they just looked at me funny. And this 2013 calendar I bought doesn’t even acknowledge Madden Day. Is this what all normals are like?
Donald: Sadly, Brad, yes. Now where are those Cakes that are a Lie you were supposed to bring in?
Brad: I, uh, lost them on the way over. Man, anyone else feel really full and hopped up on frosting today?
Summary: Depending on how you look at the numbers, t’s possible PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale isn’t selling very well. But it’s still all sunshine and rainbows at Sony.
Donald: Story Quote “When I inquired about rumors of lagging sales for All-Stars, a representative told me that “Sales are right on target with expectations and we are happy with them.”” Wow, did he expect to call Sony up and say “Hey guys, rumor is that Sony Smash Bros. isn’t selling well, is that true?” Then hear them say “Oh yeah, it’s bad, real bad! Next time you call SuperBot Entertainment won’t exist.”
B. Indifferent: I inquired about rumors of lagging sales, but I couldn’t hear the representative’s response over the sounds of unrestrained sobbing and the shouts of terrified staff looting the supply closet before the building’s contents were liquidated to pay outstanding debts.
Brad: Sales are pretty low, and they are meeting expectations. That sounds about right, actually. Sony didn’t elaborate on why they are pleased with this, but I’m guessing the answer might be that they produced the game over a long weekend on a budget of about $400 using existing intellectual property, so really, they were coming out ahead after they sold their 10th copy or so.
M. Rambler: Well, that makes 1 down and 9 to go, because I bought a copy. Maybe that’s why everyone is so cheery about things over there at Sony HQ.
GlowPuff: Winner – Dark Souls.
M. Rambler: Just once I’d like to see Dark Souls lose.
Summary: Mellody Hobson’s Boyfriend started a petition to get the US government to start construction on a Death Star by the year 2016. That will be another few billion dollars checks for his pocket thanks to naming rights and royalties.
GlowPuff: Winner – Death Star. I totally signed up for this.
M. Rambler: Loser – Dark Souls. Finally, justice is served!
B. Indifferent: Has anyone told Mellody Hobson’s Boyfriend that he doesn’t need to promote Star Wars so shamelessly now that he’s sold the rights to someone else?
Brad: I’m having a hard time imagining exactly how effective a Death Star would be when facing enemies you share a planet with. What exactly are you going to threaten them with? “Hey, quick, send some spies up to Canada to find out what Stephen Harper’s favorite planet is… no, I mean besides, Earth, obviously.”
Donald: You know who we should put in charge of a super death ray? Congress. They always seem to make the best decisions no matter what. I can’t see this going wrong in anyway whatsoever!
M. Rambler: Screw this Death Star petition. I just put a competing Super Death Ray Planet Cracker project up on Kickstarter. I only need 82 batrillion dollars. You guys wanna become signature donors? A cool one million and you’ll be guaranteed a penthouse suite with a decent view of infinite space.
Summary: Retail exclusive pre-order bonuses are revealed for Dead Space 3, and if you decide to go with the GameStop version, Donald may never speak to you again. Actually if you buy this game, you should probably jus look into getting a restraining order against him.
Donald: Hey look, the keys to my private alcohol stash. Let’s see what I have been saving for a rainy day.
M. Rambler: I’m going to preorder this from GameStop. But only because I think the submachine gun would make a fitting hammer for me to use while pounding the final nails into this game’s coffin.
GlowPuff: Can I pre-order a guarantee that Donald will play this with me as a co-op experience on launch day?
M. Rambler: Hmmm… I might need to use this handy dandy submachine gun hammer of mine to build another coffin… Donald looks like he wants to kill you right now.
GlowPuff: Ya, that’s what I thought too. Well, submachine guns are cool! I mean, like EVERY other game on the planet has one in it, so what’s the big deal? Oh wait. Well, submachine guns in SPACE, though, that’s… completely absurd, alright. Well, maybe they will make the weapon gold plated, like the pre-order weapons in Gears of War 3?! That will make it OK, because adding bling always makes things OK. Just ask my gold plated, diamond-encrusted front teeth.
M. Rambler: Okay, so the co-op deal was annoying… the twitter mis-marketing was another… but I didn’t let that get to me… but A CUSSIN’ SUBMACHINE GUN IN A DEAD SPACE GAME?????? Why don’t they just re-title this upcoming cusspile: Space Dead? It could be another uninspired, 3rd person co-op space shooter that we’ve all played a million times before. How do they not understand one of the most interesting things about the franchise has been it’s unusually bizarre weaponry? How did some dumbcuss with no brain decide that Dead Space needed a mothercussin’ submachine gun?
Whew… okay… rage finally subsiding… did I just channel Donald there??? Well, at least Amazon got the preorder right.
Brad: In Dead Space 4, you’ll throw CDs at your enemies because music is a weapon! A wise man once told me that.
M. Rambler: I gotta say, music is my Weapon of Choice. The world needs more Walken like it needs more cowbell.
GlowPuff: If they are Justin Bieber CDs, I’m down with it. Hey, who is that curled up in the corner of the room in the fetal position? Oh, it’s… Donald?
Donald: IZ okhay guys, Iz gut my FRIEND CAPIN morGAN here to make it ALLLLLLLLLLLL bedder. Wyz this room so spinny? Did you guz build me a carnivial? that is sooooo nice of you. I love you guys! I mean it. yur like my bros. I ganna vomit.
Summary: Nintendo of Europe is blocking everyone from 18+ content on the Wii U eShop during daylight hours. If you are an adult and want to access age appropriate content, you will have to do so between 11:00 pm and 3:00 am.
Donald: Way to go Nintendo. I am pretty sure Sony and Microsoft are keeping their eye on how you are running your online services. It’s a giant laundry list of how to never run an online service.
Nintendo: What’s an online service?
M. Rambler: We’ll tell you, but first you have to remind everyone what a Wii U is.
Nintendo: It’s a gaming and media content restricting device.
M. Rambler: Well, an online service is where all adult males go to view porn, so good luck with that content restricting device of yours.
Brad: 11pm to 3am isn’t just an inconvenient time, its downright strange. And quite frankly, I think you’re more likely to find a teenager up at those late hours that you would an old guy like me. I’m usually in bed by midnight most nights, and that last hour is a little something I like to call Cake Battle Hour, so this is generally not a period I spent cruising online for new games to play. I almost wonder if this wasn’t actually some kind of bizarre glitch with the Wii U’s online shop that they’re now trying to pass off as an intentional parental control.
GlowPuff: Ya, those hours are no good for me, either. That’s usually the time frame I’m ordering a cab for the DTF girl I brought home.
Donald: Do cabbies get mad when you put real dolls in the backseat of their cars?
Summary: And the award for the most stunningly worthless infographic of the week goes to… this pile of crap about technology giants and their watercraft.
Brad: I, uh… don’t think that’s how naval combat works. The fact that the most successful of these companies seems to have brought a tugboat to a warship fight only drives the point home.
Donald: So this infographic is stupid. I have used the Apple Maps app. There is no way Apple could sail their ship to the map island. They would most likely end up running into the Netscape Navigator light house.
M. Rambler: That graphic was silly, it didn’t tell anyone that reads Wired anything they didn’t already know. I’m so annoyed right now that I’m going to set sail for more comforting waters… Borderlands 2 ho!!
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