Finishing the Week: Issue 62


Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

M. Rambler: Is anyone else creeped out by Bitterly’s costume?

B. Indifferent: Wait, it’s Halloween?

Brad: Yeah, honestly, I always thought you were just a hipster who dressed that way ironically.

Donald: It’s the best Marie Antoinette costume I have ever seen!

GlowPuff: No one likes my “corner of the room” costume? Don’t you see me? I’m standing in the corner of the… oh wait.


West Not The Best For the 3DS

Summary: Nintendo’s 3DS is an unstoppable juggernaut in Japan, while round-eyed philistines in the West clearly don’t appreciate its excellence.
Source: Eurogamer

GlowPuff: Decreased sales? Simple answer: everyone already has one now.

B. Indifferent: Give it time; there are at least two good reasons to buy a 3DS right now. One more hit title and I’ll start saving up so I can eventually buy it in 2017.

Brad: Hmmm, the two big upcoming releases are a tactical RPG with a heavy anime influence, and a traditional JRPG? Nope, I have no idea why this system isn’t selling well outside of Japan.

Donald: Brad there is so much wrong with every word you just said. Bitterly just gave a link to a Fire Emblem game. That is the greatest gift known to man.

M. Rambler: I may be channeling Brad here, but if you like RPG’s so much, wouldn’t the greatest gift known to man have been the ability to select fight off a menu? Without that, all you nerds wouldn’t be able to play those games.

Frankenstein’s Monster: Frankensteins no like everyones tone.. Frankensteins no like 3DS because no second control stick make frankensteins mad.


Second Verse, Same As The First

Summary: Nintendo publishes sales data numbers dating all the way back to the original NES. Among the results, it’s clear the 3DS has a long way to go; for every 3DS unit sold, there are more than 6 Nintendo DS units in circulation.
Source: Spong

GlowPuff: Simple explanation: everyone already has a DS, so no need for an “upgrade” to 3DS.

Brad: Ooooh, that’s some sexy sales numbers action! Good thing there weren’t any line graphs, or this party might have gotten out of control.

Donald: There are some Zima’s in the fridge, get some poster board and markers and get this party started!

M. Rambler: Sorry, guys, the party is already over. I drank all the Zima’s last night. Then had to eat the poster board to get the rancid taste out of my mouth. After that I was pretty blitzed, so you don’t want to know what I did with the markers.


Wii U’s Recipe For Sucksess

Summary: Nintendo expects its new console will impact profits for the next few years.
Source: Game Informer

GlowPuff: They prefer to sell at a reasonable price? One……BILLION…….dollars. There is one other reason the Wii U will not bring a profit – no one in their right mind is going to buy one.

Brad: Aha! Now the strategy behind making the Wii U as undesirable as possible finally makes a little bit of sense. The fewer they sell, the less money they’ll lose. Seriously though, people sometimes forget that price is ultimately determined by supply and demand, not by cost, so it’s good to see Nintendo at least acknowledging basic economic principles. Having said that, usually when a company realizes people aren’t willing to pay more than what a product costs to make they don’t make that product.

Nintendo: We felt that designing an excessively large gaming tablet that is tethered to our expensive HD console and packaging it all together to sell at a massive loss was the only way to revolutionize the industry yet again.

M. Rambler: By revolutionize the industry do you mean you are making another silly control scheme that only works when a Nintendo produced game properly implements it into the core gameplay, while every other game developer flounders to shoehorn it unsuccessfully into their own design?

Nintendo: Bingo.

B. Indifferent: I’ll say one thing about these partisan articles saying that the Wii U is doomed and Nintendo should just give up: they’re a nice distraction from the election’s partisan articles about how the other campaign is doomed and their candidate should just give up.

Donald: If they are selling them at a loss, how much money will they lose when PS4 and Xbox 891 get announced?


Call of Minecraft

Summary: Recently published numbers for Xbox Live show Minecraft has finally dethroned Call of Duty.
Source: Major Nelson

Brad: And just like in real life, the NHL finishes behind more popular activities such as football, basketball, auto racing, being shot at, and soccer games from last year.

Donald: Wait! Major Nelson puts out a list of the most played games on the week? What purpose does this serve? Is it like when car companies make commercials targeted at people who already have purchased said car? If you see the game you are playing on the list you feel better about never going outside?

M. Rambler: Yes, but not if you are playing #11 on the list, Happy Wars. Whatever that game is, you should probably reek of constant shame.

GlowPuff: I guess I’m now in the minority when I say I will never get this game. I don’t feel bad about that. I’m not getting a Wii U, either.


Grand Theft Poster

Summary: RockStar releases an image with an announcement that an announcement is going to be made about Grand Theft Auto V soon. Then a Polish website reportedly got its hands on some retail posters featuring the image that state the game’s release window is, spring 2013.
Source: Official PlayStation Magazine – UK

GlowPuff: Pest control? So is this one about destroying large populations of insects? Do you play as an exterminator? I don’t get it. Put this in the Wii U pile of “Not Interested”.

B. Indifferent: Are we supposed to write gushing, thousand-word articles about what might possibly be in GTA V based on a few photographs now, or are we supposed to start on that next month?

Donald: Nothing will be written about GTA 5 next month, or the months that follow that here on DNF. Because GTA 4 was a magical load of sucked.

Brad: The only image I want to see from GTA 5 is the letter of apology for GTA 4 that ought to be included with every copy: “Dear gamer, we’re sorry your cousin called you on the phone every two minutes, we’re sorry it took 10 hours of playing through glorified tutorial missions before you unlocked the interesting areas of the game, and we’re sorry for that mission where you couldn’t get into the building without the right shoes on. We’re also very sorry about trying to shove a story about a guy who wants to do the right thing but is constantly forced to do bad things down your throat, when you spent every second of your between-missions free time doing very bad things just for the hell of it. And we’re sorry every mission started with a cross-city commute.”

Donald: Dear Rockstar Games, you just got Brad Hates Games-afied!


Mellody Hobson’s Boyfriend’s Girlfriend Took Over DreamWorks Animation

Summary: Mellody Hobson’s Boyfriend chokes back tears as she becomes the new CEO of Dreamworks Animation; he wonders if he’ll ever be as successful.
Source: Variety

M. Rambler: DNF, your one stop shop for Mellody Hobson’s Boyfriend related updates.

B. Indifferent: Cheer up, MHB! I know Red Tails wasn’t a smash hit, but there’s still time to get out from under Mellody’s shadow. Maybe one day you’ll be known for something more than just being the dude who dates Mellody Hobson.

GlowPuff: All Red Tails needed was a Death Star, and it would have been a hit.

Donald: What? Mellody Hobson’s Boyfriend’s girlfriend is now Shrek’s boss? And what is Red Tails? I totally don’t want to Bing that!

GlowPuff: Good idea. Use Google instead, and turn off safe web filtering.

Brad: We talk about “Mellody Hobson’s Boyfriend” a lot, but have you ever wondered what it would actually be like to date Mellody Hobson? I bet you can’t go out anywhere without being accosted by a bunch of geeks dressed up like their favorite financial instruments, asking questions about her plans for the next installment of Good Morning America.

Donald: Who told you about that Brad?

M.H. Boyfriend: Sorry, Donald, It was me… I was jealous and just lashing out after you stopped following ME around dressed as Jar Jar Binks.

Royale With Tease

Summary: Sony releases three mysterious teaser trailers that are obviously for their biggest release of the year, PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale.
Source: IGN

Donald: You know what I hate? Teaser for movies. Guess what I hate even more. Teasers for a tv commercial. Did you really need to get that internet all worked up over a game we all knew about?

Brad: Guys! There might have been a reference to MediEvil in that trailer! I’m super pumped about the prospect of playing as a character from a mediocre 3D platformer from 13 years ago that like six people ever played.

M. Rambler: So the lady in the teaser is holding a key with the head of a skull on it… and that is somehow supposed to reference the crappy character from the crappy old game of which you speak. My house key also has the head of a skull on it. Have I secretly been advertising for PlayStation All-Blah McBlabbedyblah all this time and I didn’t even realize it?

GlowPuff: Your key has a skull on it? That’s sweet, but my key has a shrunken head attached to it.

Sony Leaks PS3’s Master Skull Key To Tie Into Their Viral Ad Campaign For PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale

Summary: Hackers discover and release a master key code that will jailbreak your PS3 and allow you to play pirated software on the console.
Source: BBC

Donald: Another Battleship gets sunk.

M. Rambler: Speaking of battleships, my favorite part of the article is where they talk about how the US military wired up 1700 PS3 consoles to form a powerful supercomputer… I still can’t believe how this would be better than building a supercomputer from scratch…

Donald: I am sure it was some stupid experiment that Sony is all proud of. To be fair, Folding at Home used people’s private PlayStations to help decode cancer. The Cell Processor is awesome. Unless you want to play Skyrim.

M. Rambler: Low blow, Sir. Low blow….

GlowPuff: The Cell Processor is indeed awesome… for Blu Rays!

Brad: The PS3’s been out for what, 7 years? That’s pretty good. It took all of about 10 minutes for pirates to figure out how to copy PSX games. And I think Dreamcast games actually came with instructions on how to rip them and upload them to the internet.

Sony All-Star PR Battle Royale

Summary: Rumors swirl around some layoffs at Sony’s San Diego PR department that are possibly due to some mishandling of non-first party character reveals and the current PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale ad campaign.
Source: Gamefans

Brad: But… but why? They were doing such a good job with the trailers for the new MediEvil game… err, Smash Bros rip-off or whatever.

B. Indifferent: It’s articles like this one that make me appreciate the relative excellence of our site’s PR team.

Donald: They let go of the winner of the “award winning” PlayStation network exclusive “smash hit show”, The Tester? I am shocked. SHOCKED!

DNF PR team: We reached out to Sony for comment. Due the the restraining order, they did not pick up the phone.

M. Rambler: Word on the street is our PR team has the most restraining orders in the industry. Good work, team!

Layoffs? Don’t Talk About Layoffs… You Kiddin’ Me? Layoffs???

Summary: Tim Schafer and others bemoan how business as usual hire and fire practices can
hurt the gaming industry.
Source: Wired

GlowPuff: The author of this article is perhaps unaware, but this type of hire and fire (run ‘n gun?) policy actually is routine… in more than just the game industry. Take Disney, for example. Animators are hired on for a production, and let go after the film is released. It’s certainly not a pretty policy, but I guess it’s a necessary evil.

B. Indifferent: Waiter, the pigs in that abattoir next door are squealing so loudly that I can’t enjoy my breakfast sausage!

Brad: This is the last time we let you pick the restaurant, Bitterly.

Donald: Bad news guys, after this FTW I have to lay off 5% of the staff. I trust you know what these battle axes are for.

Brad: Tryouts?

M. Rambler: Slayoffs?

Donald: Yes.

Kickender

Summary: Haunts is first the Kickstarter game to “officially” fail. Is this the first domino?
Source: BBC

GlowPuff: “Go” programming language? Wow, never heard of that one.

Donald: Its not a prediction, but I’m just saying.

M. Rambler: Low blow, Sir! Low blow.

Brad: Wait, so it’s all done, except they didn’t have anyone to do bug testing? Big deal, just sell it to Konami – they’ll publish it like that.

Happy Halloween

Summary: A Halloween Bundle is out at Indie Royale.
Source: Indie Royale

GlowPuff: I recommend Pumpkin Smash 2, if you have a Windows Phone.

Brad: You know, Rambler was nice enough to go out and find this story for us to discuss, so I feel like I should at least say something about it. So, um, yeah. This is a thing that you can buy.

Donald: With money or PayPal.

M. Rambler: Well, y’know, it is like Halloween and all this week. And with this, at least you know you’re dropping your cash on games there are actually finished.

closing thoughts

Donald: I was thinking of doing a Halloween live tweet. I was going to play Doom 3, Lone Survivor, or Slender. I can’t decide which. What say you fine FTW crew?

Brad: Shouldn’t you be taking your kids trick-or-treating, or giving out candy or something? Anyway, my plans all revolve around trying to get through another Halloween without hearing Thriller or the Monster Mash. I have a 2 year streak going!

M. Rambler: I vote Borderlands 2. In fact, I don’t mind if I do so myself… Borderlands, here I come!

GlowPuff: I second and third the Borderlands 2 idea!!!

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About Tony Lorenzen

Tony Lorenzen, a.k.a. the Midnite Rambler, may just be a bad enough dude to rescue the president... but he's still no Snake Plissken.