Free Android Game Reviews 3: Piles of Crap

So far, 3 of the 21 free Android games I’ve looked at weren’t a complete waste of time. Does that mean that 14% of all free Android games don’t suck? Let’s test that hypothesis with another installment of…

Around the Dumpster in 80 Minutes 

I picked another 9 games:
Cosmonauts by Superplay GamesCosmonauts by Superplay Games: Just kidding. There’s no way I’m installing something that wants permission to access my personal information and contact data. I’m calling this one garbage now so it can’t tell my friends I said it was awesome later.

 

 

 

Forest Defense by Animoca

Forest Defense by Animoca: Playing as “the Devout,” you hit bad guys so they stop walking across the screen. The controls are awkward and stilted, and the creature assistants you can summon are kind of crap. The indigenous — excuse me, “Aztec-like,” they call it — artwork and whimsical misspelling of creature names may be intended to invoke a nature spirit vibe, but it just looks like a bunch of hippy nonsense.

 

 

 

Greedy Spiders by Blyts

Greedy Spiders by Blyts: A puzzle game where you cut strands of a spider’s web before he can reach trapped insects. There’s only one “best” solution for each level, and the spider waits patiently for your next move. That means that there’s no sense of urgency. Or accomplishment.

 

 

 

 

Mr. Block by WUZLA

Mr. Block by WUZLA: I used to wonder what shovelware from other countries looked like; now I know. WUZLA is no longer listed on the Google Play Store and it looks like they’ve copied games before, so this probably wasn’t an original. You switch between different colored blocks, rolling them left and right to guide them to designated squares. It’s the kind of light puzzle game that appears as a mini-game in something you’d pay money for, and none of us should miss it. 

 

 

Muffin Knight by Angry Mob Games

Muffin Knight by Angry Mob Games: I spent more time accidentally crashing this game than I did playing it, usually because it locked up after I tried to dismiss one of the many invasive advertisements  it serves up on a regular basis. Muffin Knight is jumping and shooting with a virtual thumbstick on a single uninspired screen, although you can unlock additional levels by collecting muffins. The muffins may also change your appearance and attack skills, but the game was too busy crashing to let me find out more.

 

 

Robo Miner by Reiti.netRobo Miner by Reiti.net: You’ll have a better time playing Gem Miner. This game has worse graphics, worse backstory, worse gameplay — even a worse font. You can judge for yourself, but be prepared to delete it after a couple of minutes.

 

 

 

Rock the Vegas by Game Insight

Rock the Vegas by Game Insight: Place buildings, wait around, and then fight crappy touchscreen controls to collect rent. (The game thinks you’d prefer to constantly re-center the camera instead of actually interacting with objects.) You’re supposed to unlock new building types by gaining experience, but you start with only two buildings available and no way to kill time until enough money has accumulated to do something interesting.

 

 

Virtual City 2: Paradise Resort by G5 Entertainment

Virtual City 2: Paradise Resort by G5 Entertainment: While Virtual City Playground suffered from super-long load times, Paradise Resort gets around that problem by putting you in a series of smaller missions. This cure is worse than the disease; there’s less data to load because you’re working in a much smaller sandbox and have extremely limited options.

 

 

 

World War by Storm8 Games

World War by Storm8 Games: I was tricked into downloading another one of these games menus-in-disguise similar to Crime, Inc., and Dark Galaxy, and I’m not happy about it. The publisher expended minimal effort to force you into fights with other players, hoping that they’ll provide the entertainment. Here’s the thing: If I wanted to waste my time squabbling with anonymous hacks on the internet, I’d spend more time commenting on blogs.

 

 

That brings our total number of free Android games reviewed up to 30 titles reviewed and zero new games worth playing, but like Billy Bob Thornton says, “They can’t all be winners.”
Do you know any free Android games that are winners? Make your mark in the comments section, or submit a game for review!

About B. Indifferent

Bitterly Indifferent is a belligerent hillbilly with a substandard internet connection. He is also a fan of retro gaming who has previously written about the state of games journalism and the intersection of games and family.