Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests – to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
M. Rambler: Happy birthday Finishing the Week, you’re a whole one years old now!! To honor this special occasion, for the first time ever we will be doing the segment LIVE!!!
B. Indifferent: Yeah, I, for one, expect great things to happen doing this live. I mean, it’s not like the set’s going to collapse and kill us all, or anything.
GlowPuff: Happy Birthday everyone!
D.Conrad: I seems just like yesterday you wouldn’t stop bugging me about getting stories together, Rambler. You annoyed me so much that I threw that week’s stories at your face. While they were displayed on my laptop. The rest — after the hospital stay — is history.
Brad: And it seems like I only joined the team a few months ago… oh wait.
M. Rambler: Yes, what a wonderful year it’s been. Now let’s go check the news wires to see what’s cooking right now.
Summary: Gearbox took a bit of a misstep with Borderlands 2 when lead designer, John Hemingway, referred to a simplified skill tree called Best Friends Forever as “Girlfriend Mode”. Randy Pitchford himself had to jump in for a little clean up in aisle 9.
Brad: Ok, quick show of hands – how many of you are awesome girl gamers who feel very insulted by these blatantly sexist remarks, and how many of you are guys who are thinking “You know, that might be just the thing to get my girlfriend to play the game?” Oh look, 3 to 900,000, just what I thought. It might not be politically correct to call it “girlfriend mode”, but it’s damn good marketing.
GlowPuff: They just need to add 1 more thing – 2 black eyes, then she’ll be ready for the wastelands. Well, that’s 2 things, if you count each of them separately.
M. Rambler: All I know is, girlfriend mode sounds like it’s right up Donald’s alley.
GlowPuff: Agreed, he plays like a girl when it comes to first person shooters.
M. Rambler: So, it’s agreed. You can be the ninja and I can be the gunzerker while Donald can pull up the rear with the mechromancer… I can’t wait for this game to get here.
GlowPuff: Or we can send him into battles first, to take some of the heat from us (read: meat shield).
M. Rambler: Score!
Brad: Um… “meat shields”? “Pulling up the rear”? Making one of you be the girlfriend? I uh, I don’t think I’m going to be playing this game with you guys.
D. Conrad: As I recall, when we play Gears of War 3, I am always number one on the kills scoreboard..
M. Rambler: Oh yeah, well, I was letting my girlfriend play for me.
GlowPuff: I was letting my hamster play for me.
M. Rambler: Let me guess, Donald, you’re probably going to say you were letting your hamster’s girlfriend play for you?
D.Conrad: Rambler has a Girlfriend? That is pretend. Plus, my hamster’s girlfriend was too busy playing World of Warcraft.
Summary: Battlefield developer DICE reveals that Battlefield 4 will stick with a setting in modern times.
M. Rambler: Well, like I always say: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… that is until you break it by beating it with a dead horse.
GlowPuff: BF4 is going to have horses??
M. Rambler: Yes, but only dead ones. All the live horses were accidentally run over by a tank…
GlowPuff: I really like the series, let’s just hope it doesn’t turn into that OTHER “modern warfare” series.
M. Rambler: No… don’t you mean the one they’re taking black to the future?
GlowPuff: You’re both wrong, but as long as they keep innovating like they did with BF3, it’s going to be alright.
D.Conrad: It was innovative. Guns, profanity, battlefields. No other shooter has that!
GlowPuff: Well, I was thinking more along the lines of the physics, destructible environments, and sweet selection of vehicles.
D.Conrad: Red Faction?
GlowPuff: I said SWEET selection of vehicles, such as the fork lift.
Summary: Anonymous developer going by the alias, DaE, has sold one of his two next-Xbox development kits on Ebay for $20,000.
GlowPuff: My friends, stop by my cubicle to play some Next Gen games! (read: more sequels)
M. Rambler: Woah guys, hold on a second here… I’m trying to wrap my brain around all of this gigantic news… GlowPuff, you mean all this time, you’ve been sitting on 20 large… and every time it’s your turn to stock the breakroom fridge, it’s Bud Ice Light… you cheap bastard!
D.Conrad: And the Sam’s Club versions of Bitterly’s IBS snacks?
GlowPuff: Priorities, priorities… But I promise to pick up some Mickey’s Big Mouth next time, ‘aight?
M. Rambler: Well, maybe after I throw back enough crappy beer, I’ll head over and give that new console of yours a spin… maybe it will turn (insert random game franchise title here) 4 into a real mindblowing experience.
Brad: “DaE”… you know backwards, that’s EaD – clearly these are being sold off by EA Denmark. It’s like they say in detective movies from the 40s – “never trust a Dane.”
D.Conrad: Uncharted 4. Durango exclusive. You heard it here first folks. LIVE!!! I actually just got off the phone with our exclusive Microsoft Durango contact… right now… as we type…
M. Rambler: I hate to break it to you, Donald, but Uncharted and developer Naughty Dog proudly fly the flag of Sony… by chance is your exclusive Microsoft Durango a Dane?
GlowPuff: “Durango” was the name of an excellent steakhouse here, locally. Unfortunately, it closed up several years ago.
D.Conrad: Because you refused to wear pants and insisted on sitting ON the tables!
GlowPuff: Well ya… no one has a problem with that here at the office, so why would they not tolerate it at the restaurant?
Brad: Actually… oh never mind.
B. Indifferent: Health inspectors can be so uptight.
M. Rambler: Yeah, especially when the waiter isn’t wearing pants and is sitting on their table taking food orders. It’s what they call a red flag in the business.
Summary: Konami cancels Silent Hill HD patch for XBox 360 due to lack of skill and lack of sales.
Source: Game Informer
D.Conrad: This is great news! No one should play Silent Hill 2, it’s far too terrifying!
GlowPuff: It wouldn’t be so terrifying if they added co-op. Just ask EA, it’s how they tamed Dead Space 3 down.
D.Conrad slaps GlowPuff in the face.
D.Conrad: Rambler, that may be my new favorite thing in the whole world.
GlowPuff: What’s that, a co-op experience in every game?
M. Rambler: Every game except Duke Nuk….
D.Conrad slaps M.Rambler & GlowPuff in the face.
GlowPuff: So anyway, they canceled the patch due to “technical issues and resources”. Let me decipher that PR speak for you all. “Technical issues” means they weren’t SMRT enough to figure out how to fix their bad coding. Lack of “resources” means the game didn’t sell well enough to throw more than one low grade developer at the project. He was probably all petered out after creating the PS3 patch.
Brad: I think the issue here was that the most serious “glitches” in SH2 – like having to run around in total darkness rubbing up on everything and jamming on the “use” button for an hour before the game gives you a damn flashlight, were actually intentional and part of the original game.
M. Rambler: Finally, something for this PS3 fanboy to throw in the faces of all you Xbox geeks! I now feel vindicated for glory that is Skyrim on the PS3.
Brad: Oh yeah? Well my Xbox can… flash red lights at me and set the curtains on fire.
D.Conrad: Yes, you win. You can run a ten year old game better. You go PS3 fanboys! Also, I am so glad I got the PS3 version!
Summary: SNK set to go back in time with the Neo Geo X handheld gaming device.
GlowPuff: Am I the only one excited for this (other than the price)? I had no idea this was in the works until now. Back in high school I sold my Neo Geo system. To this day, I consider it one of the worst decisions I ever made. With news of a new handheld with all my favorite Neo Geo games on it, I can finally relive my past. But only if the hardware plays the games the way I remember them, and not some dumbed down version.
D.Conrad: You know there is this thing called the Vita that plays new games. It’s going to be a thing… Stop laughing! It is!
Brad: I’m going to wait and hope they release all these games for the Ouya, so I can ignore them on as many formats as possible.
GlowPuff: But I want my old Neo Geo games!
M. Rambler: I’ll tell you what will have to be dumbed down… your hand size. Did you see the cute little buttons on that thing? In fact, I just had a baby, right now, live, in real time to prove that even a baby’s tiny little thumbs are too big and ungainly to properly control the Neo Geo X with any level of precision.
GlowPuff: I think they call that “sausage fingers”.
D. Conrad: Jimmy Dean!
M. Rambler: NO! I did not name my baby Jimmy Dean… and GlowPuff, don’t you talk smack about my boy’s manly hands… jealous much?
GlowPuff: No, but the last time I was at Denny’s, I ordered a “heart attack on a plate”, and they knew exactly what to bring me: Jimmy Dean’s sausage ‘n gravy.
M. Rambler: And exactly how many minutes later did that gift from Denny’s bring you to the rest room to paint Toilet Town brown?
Summary: Recent announcement of Playstation Mobile means small, “bite sized” games playable on any Playstation certified device.
GlowPuff: I’m not really thoroughly entrenched into the Sony gaming ecosystem, even though I do own a PS3, but this sounds like good news for the platform.
D.Conrad: I have been using the Beta of PS Mobile for a few weeks now. It’s nifty. I have no clue what I am doing with it. But I think I am having fun while I do it.
GlowPuff: This is also how I feel when I drive while intoxicated. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I’m having fun. And that’s what matters.
M. Rambler: Maybe I can finally convince Donald to expense me a Vita of my own (Read: maybe when Donald’s not looking I’ll commandeer his.)
Brad: That reminds me, Donald, our legal department is on the phone. Something about the company car.
M. Rambler: GlowPuff, thanks for the distraction. I can’t wait to show off my new Vita when I come over to play with your Durango later.
… wait, did I just say that? It came out just a little, uh, wrong. Can I scratch that? Oh, right, we’re live.
D.Conrad: Umm, yeah.. that was awkward. I, well, so, Ratchet and Clank Full Frontal Assault is coming to Vita. If you get the PS3 version you get the Vita version free. Also, I’m going to go wash out my brain with pipe cleaners now.
Summary: Gamestop employees are paid 30% less than the national average pay for retail employees. And there’s some other junk in this chart about Apple.
B. Indifferent: I think the real injustice here is GameStop’s dress code. Do you see the totally sweet mullet and porn ‘stache that the Costco employee is allowed to rock? That’s one of those “intangible benefits” Donald talks about whenever we complain about how little we’re getting paid.
Brad: I temped at Gamestop one Christmas, and I think over two months I got a whopping 16 hours. So not only are they getting a low hourly wage, they’re hardly ever there either.
GlowPuff: I must say, this chart explains a lot of things when I walk into a GameStop. Unhappy faces, poor service, lethargic attitude, and that silent plea for help in the eyes of the employees. And yes, I did see the mullet and porn ‘stache while at Costco.
D.Conrad: Again with the “pay us” crap? Come on guys! How on Earth can I pay you and make the monthly installments on the giant stuffed moose I have in the storage closet? That thing was awesome for like half an hour. Remember how Brad cried because he realized his bonus paid for the wheel hooves?
Brad: Wait, we were supposed to get cash bonuses? Bitterly told me my bonus this year was a kick in the face… then he kicked me in the face.
M. Rambler: Big surprise, those weren’t tears of sorrow, you maroon… Brad is allergic to fur.
Brad: And kicks to the face.
D.Conrad: That video is YouTube gold!
GlowPuff: Also, I hate to break it to you like this, but Rambler and I doused your moose in alcohol and torched it a week ago, just for kicks and giggles. Bud Ice Light makes you do weird things.
M. Rambler: Yeah, like pour crappy Bud Ice Light all over something because it tastes gross and you don’t want to drink it.
GlowPuff: Ya, that’s the sound it made while burning. Um… it WAS fake, right, and not real? It was pretty noisy.
Brad: Either way, it was pretty delicious.
D.Conrad: Who knows? It was your money you were burning. So I guess you guys won?
Summary: In a delayed (3 years!) fit of rage, Axl Rose of Guns ‘n Roses files a lawsuit over Guitar Hero III cover, featuring Slash, with whom he is apparently having a quarrel with
GlowPuff: Wait, Axl Rose waited 3 years before filing a lawsuit for this HEINOUS ACT?
Brad: You know, because he’s usually known for being so punctual.
B. Indifferent: The man knows how to hold a grudge. I can respect that.
D.Conrad: Has anyone seen my Vita? It was right here….
M. Rambler: I just saw Axl swipe it… Oh, and he must have recently woke up from a coma, since he seems to believe Guitar Hero games are still printing money…and he also probably thinks it only took him 12 years to release Chinese Democracy… talk about delusional.
D.Conrad: Is he Brett Michaels? Because if he isn’t I have no idea who you are talking about.
GlowPuff: Meh, I’m more interested in following the ongoing Apple/Samsung lawsuit unfold.
D.Conrad: No ONE is interested in that Temper Tantrum.
A. Rose: So, would any of you guys wanna buy a few copies of my new album? I’m a little hard up for cash right now.
Slash: Why buy an album to listen to, when you can PLAY IT YOURSELF, as me in Guitar Hero III? And you can earn achievements.
Brad: Yeah, about that, Slash – How insecure are you? Because I like just barely made it through “Barracuda” to a chorus of boos, and you came strutting out of the crowd and challenged me to a duel. Did you really feel that threatened?
M. Rambler: Holy crap… Axl just tried to stab Slash in the face… but then he missed and passed out in a drug induced stupor… see, these are the amazing kinds of things that can happen when we do this column live. That never would have happened if we rehearsed this stuff.
GlowPuff: I rehearsed this entire segment in front of a mirror, and you’re right, I didn’t see this coming at all.
Summary: According to Twitter, the Playstation Network was once again hacked. Shortly after the announcement by Anonymous, the hack claim was confirmed to be fake by Shane Bettenhausen via twitter.
Anonymous: But what if we also hacked Shane Bettenhausen’s Twitter account and lied about everything being okay, then deleted our own Tweet bragging about the hack?
Sony: Actually, we hacked your account to make the claim of hacking PSN in the first place. Why? We just wanted to prove we are superior hackers. Now go buy Papo & Yo.
Anonymous: But what if we hacked your account so we could hack our account as you so that we could claim to have hacked your account as us so that we could weave a web of deception that… well… is anyone else confused right now? Anyway, yeah, go buy Papo & Yo.
Sony: Ummm… yeah. What they said.
Papo & Yo: Would someone just buy me already??
M. Rambler: Sorry.
B. Indifferent: Nope.
Brad: Uh, did somebody say something? I can’t hear you…
D.Conrad: Call me, Maybe? You have a Girlfriend mode right?
M. Rambler slaps D.Conrad in the face.
M. Rambler: Anyway, cheers on turning 1 year old, FtW! You’ve been a wild ride.
D.Conrad: And cheers to you Rambler for keeping this ship upright.
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