Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests – to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
M. Rambler: I have a secret.
D.Conrad: Rambler thinks Thomas Edison is hot.
M. Rambler: But I told you that in confidence….
Brad: Well, I guess we can add Rambler’s heart to the growing list of things Edison stole from Tesla.
D.Conrad: Bitterly won’t be with us this week. He caught something while dumpster diving. I drove him to the hospital. Hope he is doing okay.
GlowPuff: I was hoping your secret was the big reveal that Dead Space 3 co-op is just a big joke, and it’s not really a part of the game.
M. Rambler: Yep, it’s all been just a very, very bad dream… but these news stories aren’t.
Summary: A crazed prankster posted sketchy photos of Microsoft’s next-gen development kit on an obscure website forum attempting to sell the rig for $10,000.
GlowPuff: HAHA I bought it. Visit me in my cubicle to see it.
D.Conrad: I understood all the technical stuff, but I didn’t really care. What? Microsoft has given the next Xbox dev kits to developers? That is shocking! Who saw this coming? Not me.
M. Rambler: But Donald, you see everything coming, how did you miss this one?
Brad: Ok, that was long and kind of technical, but the main thing I took away from it is that Microsoft’s next console is a 64-bit system which, appropriately, is named after an SUV nobody has bought since the Nintendo 64 days. Anyway, I hope it plays Goldeneye, and WCW vs. nWo Revenge. Those games were awesome!
Also, note to self – track down a Nintendo 64 and some old rasslin’ games.
M. Rambler: Brad, if you want an N64 so bad, you should try to track down one of the Wii U dev kits. As I understand things, Nintendo’s next-gen console is just five N64’s cobbled together using twine and duct tape. Oh and it features an old fashioned tube television with dual thumb sticks for a controller.
GlowPuff: I heard that the dual thumbsticks were going to be virtual sticks on a touch pad. But yah, the whole thing fits neatly in a backpack, from what I’ve read. I hope they use different materials than duct tape in the release hardware, though.
Summary: Skyrim developer Bethesda continues to waffle about the status of Dawnguard DLC on other consoles. Stay tuned, more info to come later this week.
Brad: So wait, the latest news is that… there might be news in the future? Excellent reporting as always, IGN.
D.Conrad: Report; this story may be followed by another. Developing.
M. Rambler: Breaking news update — I ate Chipotle for lunch. While currently unconfirmed, there may be an upcoming announcement regarding a major download about to happen in our office restroom. Stay tuned, and brace yourselves for wall to wall stank.
GlowPuff: BREAKING NEWS: 4 men found unconscious at the Did Not Finish office. CDC entered the building in full HAZMAT suits and cleared the fumes. Survivors are in critical condition. Developing.
Summary: The continuing saga of Dawnguard’s release for the PS3 remains murky at best… but it’s out for PC!!
Source: Bethesda Blog
GlowPuff: I heard Dawnguard is held up because they are adding co-op. Anyone else hear this?
Brad: A Bethesda source was heard saying “Oh that’s right, we made a PS3 version of Skyrim, didn’t we? Wow, I totally forgot about that.”
D.Conrad: They didn’t forget they made it, they just fear that if they patch it they will make it worse. Imagine if this new patch adds Mounted Combat but converts all the graphics to PS1 quality? That would probably not be so great.
M. Rambler: Wait… Donald, we’re talking about Bethesda here. The same developer who brought PS3 users extra content like the fearsome Reverse Dragon and the powerful Crippling Framerate Shout. As a PS3 user, I’m pretty confident about the situation.
Summary: An old GTA: San Andreas website comes to life again, leaving some to believe GTA 5’s viral marketing campaign has already begun.
Source: Official PlayStation Magazine – UK
D.Conrad: I am not excited for a new Grand Theft Auto. The last few hours of GTA IV were abysmal. I don’t think they have ever topped GTA III. That character could be anything you wanted him to be. If this GTA has a blank character I may play, if not, don’t hold your breath for the DNF review.
Brad: This is a little off-topic, but it kind of reminded me that the very first Grand Theft Auto had three areas – Liberty City, Vice City, and San Andreas. Over 15 years and countless sequels later, almost every other GTA game has been set in one of those three places. In that context, I guess it makes sense to keep the old websites up forever – they’ll need ‘em again eventually.
Also, am I crazy, or would late 60s Detroit make for an awesome GTA setting? The era would give you muscle cars, the Vietnam war, hippies, drugs, and rock n’ roll. And the location would give you seasonal weather, heavy industry, the motown music scene, and an international border. Sounds better to me than yet another rehash of California.
D.Conrad: Tell me the star of the game is an out of control Amish guy and I am in!
Out of Control Amish Guy: Impossible, we’re actually not allowed to visit the birthplace of the automobile industry. I may be out of control, but I’m not stupid. Also, I’m stealing this beer you’re drinking… Yoink!
M. Rambler: Donald, are you feeling okay? Something must be wrong, because that’s the second thing you didn’t see coming in the last 10 minutes… c’mon man, you had your beer sitting there completely unattended with an out of control Amish guy in the room. What were you thinking ?
GlowPuff: To be fair, that Amish guy was me. I put on an Amish hat and suspenders, and BAM instant Out of Control Amish Guy. And I totally stole his beer. YOINK!
D.Conrad: It’s okay to steal my beer, I have been buying it with your “lost” paychecks… Oh, I still can’t find those by the way…Bitterly is in charge of the payroll this week, and he is…out..
Summary: Pre-orders numbers are way up for many of game publisher EA’s biggest franchises including: Dead Space 3, Crysis 3, and Madden.
Brad: This has been accompanied by an unprecedented surge of what observers are describing as “pre-regrets”.
D.Conrad: Why do people pre-order Madden? Is there a giant rush on release day?
Brad: The last time I preordered a Madden game was Madden 2006, back when the series was still fun. The EB employees had given me dire warnings that I needed to preorder it, so I did. When I went to pick up my copy, they had so many extras that they were using them to build a huge maze for people to run through.
But since you asked, there’s a rush to preorder Madden this year because if you do, you get to download a former player to use in the game. And depending on which store you preorder at, you get a different player. Which is a great idea, because obviously the sort of people who’d be interested in having former greats in their game would ONLY WANT ONE HISTORIC PLAYER AND NOT ALL OF THEM.
M. Rambler: So I post a story that categorically proves people want their Dead Space 3, and they want it with two times more co-op than the previous entry in the series… and Donald’s initial response was to wonder why in the world would people pre-order Madden?
<Rambler grabs the imposter in the D.Conrad suit and violently shakes the intruder>
What are you and who do you work for?
D.Conrad: Hold on a second, Rambler. If you don’t let me go, I’m not going to be able to go pre-order Borderlands 2 this weekend. And then I will not be able inform the helpful GameStop employee, “No I do not want to pre-order Dead Space 3.” I then I will not be escorted from the mall for lying on the floor of said GameStop and sobbing uncontrollably while hugging used copies of Dead Space 1 & 2.
M. Rambler: Okay, whew. You are the real Donald. I was worried there for a second.
GlowPuff: I’m going to force feed Dead Space 3’s co-op to Donald. He WILL co-op with me in that game! Ok, actually I just want to hear the guaranteed avalanche of thunderous verbal assaults over the voice comms while we play.
D.Conrad: Let’s start now you backwater ^(%$# who likes to $*#)* a $)*%@ on $)(@^day!
Summary: Pledge a mere $40 more than the regular price of the unreleased $99 Ouya game console, and get one the color of turd.
Source: Game Informer via Kickstarter
D.Conrad: This Ouya thing upsets me. I want it because I want everything new that plays games. But I don’t want it because they put the name of the console on the controls face buttons. That is really dumb. But I could play Final Fantasy 3 on it..or everything else on the market.
Brad: “I want everything new that plays games.” So you’re the guy who bought the Atari Jaguar and 3DO! I’ve always wondered about that. Anyway, I’m almost starting to wonder if this insane console is actually just a front for a cell phone company. “Donate $200 to the project and sign up for a 2 year service deal with Verizon, and we’ll hook you up with a super-special version of our console that not only plays the latest Android games, but also fits in your pocket, makes phone calls, and is actually just a Samsung Galaxy.”
GlowPuff: Does it have co-op?
M. Rambler: I hear the Ouya has obtained exclusive rights to Dead Space 4 which will feature 4 player co-op!! Yep, you heard it here first, folks… and that other noise you just heard was Donald’s head exploding.
Summary: Hip-hop legend Jay Z is an executive producer for Visual Concepts upcoming NBA 2K13 basketball game.
Source: Game Informer
Brad: I think I just read the most sarcastic sentence ever written in a “serious” gaming article: “NBA 2K series developer Visual Concepts hasn’t talked a lot about the actual gameplay/feature elements of this season’s NBA 2K13, but don’t worry, because Jay Z is working on the game.” That is awesome. And yes, I’m sure NBA2K13’s menus and soundtrack will have all the polish of a Chrysler commercial.
M. Rambler: Quick everyone… first thing that comes to your mind. Tell me what future celebrity/video game collaborations need to happen and why!
Brad: Diamond Dallas Page and, I don’t know, Grand Theft Auto?… mostly because talking about old Nintendo 64 wrestling games and GTA earlier has my brain stuck on those things.
D.Conrad: Gary Busey and Plants Vs Zombies. Because drunken out-of-control Buseys would be far more terrifying than zombies.
GlowPuff: Charlie Sheen and Dead Space 3. Co-op with that guy would be EPIC and worthwhile.
M. Rambler: My vote is Conan O’Brien and Elderscrolls. Given his input on Skyrim, I can’t wait to see what he would bring to the franchise’s sixth installment.
Summary: Zynga under investigation for insider trading after numerous high level execs made millions by cashing out of stock before the price took a nosedive.
Source: Business Wire
D.Conrad: It’s not a Finishing the Week unless Rambler throws a financial story in there. It also is not a Finishing the Week until Brad complains about that, then explains the story to us.
Brad: Zynga… something, something… stuff. So anyway guys, I found this sweet N64 on eBay! It even has the super-rare “jungle green” controller. What do you think, should I buy it?
D.Conrad: You should totally buy that then loan it to me. You should also belive me when I tell you that I lost it.
GlowPuff: This Zynga story is off the rails now. Actually interesting. But even more interesting, the Expendables 2 video game got a cool 2/10!
M. Rambler: See, this is exactly why I include boring financial stories every week… so we can talk about the review scores of crappy movie/game tie ins. Do not doubt my genius.
Summary: Some nerd remixed a video game song and some gaming website thought we’d like to hear it.
Source: Game Informer
Brad: Really, GI – really? You actually wrote an article about this? You know, sometimes it’s ok to just go ten seconds without posting an article.
M. Rambler: Really, Brad – really? This is how you get back at me for always posting financial stories… you suggest this article and make me listen to that crap?
D.Conrad: Waka wakawakwak DOOOOOOOOOOO chaha chaka cha cha cha DOOOBUOOOB chaa chAA cHAA CHAAAAAAAA DID NOT FINISH REMIX BWAMP!
Summary: A class action lawsuit filed against EA for it’s monopoly on the NFL licence goes nowhere. However, they are barred from exclusive deals with NCAA football over the next five years.
Source: Digital Trends
Brad: Hey EA, as long as you’re going to be the only company making NFL games for all eternity, would it be too much to ask that you not make them suck for a change? Oh it would, huh? Well, at least they couldn’t retain exclusive rights to the NCAA, so we might have College Football 2K on the horizon someday.
D.Conrad: It’s a proven fact that when you make a product that has no direct competition it will always drive you to improve your product. You wouldn’t want to release the same game every year and just add the latest buzz words to the back would you? I played Madden 2001 I think. As far as I can tell it’s the same game I could go spend 60 dollars on today. I should review a sports game. Is Polo still a thing?
M. Rambler: I imagine it is. If there are people out there doing useless things like remixing video game songs, then there’s probably also a batch of nuts somewhere who enjoy horseback croquet.
Brad: You know, as the resident “sports guy”, I have to dispute this claim that Madden hasn’t changed in at least 12 years. This is absolutely not true. Madden has gone through many, many terrible changes over the years. It’s evolved from a fun game to a horrible one. I actually sort of wish the new Madden was just like Madden 2001.
GlowPuff: This is just bad news. Like many here, I have an old Madden game that was fun to play. I haven’t bought a new Madden game in many years. And I don’t plan on that changing anytime soon.
Summary: World of Warcraft movie moves forward with a new script writer.
D.Conrad: I don’t want to go to this movie. I just know that halfway through my wife will say “Can you go to the concessions stand and get me some popcorn and soda?”
M. Rambler: I know we’re almost done finishing this week… but Donald, can you go to the break room and get me some popcorn and soda?
Brad: K-Pax was a slightly above average movie that starred Jeff Bridges and Kevin Spacey. Considering that those are two of the best actors working right now, how bad did that script have to suck in order to average them out? And this movie is going to star a bunch of nobodies and be about WoW? Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be great.
GlowPuff: If it’s all CG, it will be great!
M. Rambler: I heard they hired that guy who remixed that video game song to be in charge of the musical score. This movie is going to melt all our faces off when it finally comes out.
D.Conrad: What is this? The guys who are making Dead Space 3 are also working on the new Army of Two? That is so weird! What? I have a screen grab from Facebook that lends itself to cast Issac and Carter in the rolls of Rios and Salem? Let’s take a look shall we?
I would like to thank the Did Not Finish reader who emailed this to me. I have slipped into a state of not paying any attention to Dead Space 3. But this news is super great! I knew Dead Space 3 looked like Army of Two. Now we know why! Side note. I am really excited for the new Army of Two. WRAP YOUR HEADS AROUND THAT ONE!
Brad: Let me give our readers a little behind the scenes peek at how we do things at DNF. We had this week’s Finishing the Week all done on Saturday afternoon. Then at midnight on Saturday, I get an urgent message from Donald that I need to get down to the office RIGHT AWAY to discuss this breaking Dead Space story. And now that I’m here, and it’s 1am, uh… Can I go back to sleep now? Also, am I getting overtime?
M. Rambler: So, enough with the news already, what else is going on this week?
D.Conrad: I cannot put down Patapon. You guys need to stop coming into my office and asking dumb questions like; “Why is the site down?” “Why is Rambler wearing pants.” “Why is Brad drunk in the lobby playing Sega Genesis games?”. I don’t care about any of that. PATA PATA PATA PON
Brad: Hey, I’m drunk off Kid Chameleon. It is a great game. Also, vodka.
M. Rambler: Don’t mind if I do! YOINK!!! Now hit us up with some comments before I chug this, black out, and can’t speak words anymore.
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