Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests – to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
M. Rambler: This Finishing the Week has stories we think you are going to love!!!
B. Indifferent: !!!
Summary: Scientists from Harvard and Mass General Hospital “took a rat apart and rebuilt it as a jellyfish”.
Source: Universal Hub
B. Indifferent: I’m just gonna print this out and put it in my scrapbook of “news stories that bring us one step closer to seeing Resident Evil critters in real life.”
GlowPuff: That’s what I was thinking too…before I read the article. At first, I was under the impression they transplanted a rat’s entire heart to a jellyfish, and I was like, W T F to that. They grew a thin layer of rat heart cells – pretty amazing stuff!
Brad: While you’re at it, you might want to add this little thing my brother and I found at a nearby thrift store. Although it really has more of a Silent Hill vibe to it:
D.Conrad: Thank you for that, Brad. I wanted to never sleep again.
Brad: Oh c’mon, you can hang shirts on it’s arms while it’s chasing you. Form and function!
M. Rambler: Yeah, what do you think Hook Lady keeps in that purse of hers anyway? A stabbing knife? Dead squirrels? The address to Donald’s closet?
GlowPuff: I have one of these in my room. They’re really handy to just toss my pants on when I’m ready to write these weekly entries, pantless. With so many arms, they can catch the pants no matter how badly I toss them over. On a side note, this clothing rack monster belongs in Dead Space 3.
M. Rambler: It will need a co-op partner though.
Summary: Pre-order a copy of Resident Evil 6 from the Capcom Store and while supplies last, get a free Umbrella umbrella.
D.Conrad: This is brilliant! Finally the world will see just how stupid pre-order bonuses are! Unless it’s raining, then you will enjoy this pre-order bonus.
Brad: This makes me want to believe Umbrella Corp. was an actual umbrella manufacturer, and all the mutants, viruses, and horror that they unleashed was just a side project that got way out of hand. That would be a great addition to the story of… what are they up to, part 6?
D.Conrad: What was that board meeting like? “Hey guys, we are doing really well with the umbrellas but I have this other idea…”
M. Rambler: This other idea involves taking apart rats, doesn’t it?
Brad: “Yes, the research and development on our newest umbrella models has kind of branched off into an… interesting… direction.”
M. Rambler: You mean like taking the rat parts and turning them into jellyfishes, right? Because that seems like a really interesting direction for an umbrella manufacturer to take.
B. Indifferent: I hate it when my umbrella starts eating stray cats, but I’ve never seen an idea that a board of directors couldn’t make worse.
GlowPuff: Agreed, this is how the Wii U was born – in a boardroom of directors (read: non-gamers). This is also how the current, lowly state of Dead Space 3 was achieved – in a boardroom of directors who never played the previous games in the series, with the desire to create a copycat shooter game instead of a survival horror game like the rest of the series.
M. Rambler: I also want to note that each of the board members presiding over Dead Space 3 had co-op partners to help them through all the scary decisions.
Summary: Gearbox head honcho Randy Pitchford talks about a lot of things, including Borderlands 2 and the state of the industry, but still no apology for Duke Nukem Forever.
GlowPuff: It’s not that he didn’t apologize or talk about Duke Nukem Forever, the interviewer didn’t even bother asking him about it in the first place. Bad journalism! I’d kinda like to see him put on the spot and comment on it.
D.Conrad: Randy Pitchford makes me mad. He once said, “Hey, we will finish Duke Nukem Forever.” What a bastard. Back me up here Rambler.
M. Rambler: Am I a bastard too? Because I once said I was going to finish Duke Nukem Forever. Then I actually played it… now I’m thinking not so much. Sorry for making you buy a copy…
D.Conrad: Hey, here is a empty cardboard box. Go put the things in your office in it!
M. Rambler: Sweet, are you finally moving me into the giant corner office? Wait… why does this empty box have a picture of D.Trump saying “YOU’RE FIRED” on it?
D.Trump: Because YOU’RE FIRED!
M. Rambler: Whoa there, buddy, don’t you jab-point that spaz hand at me! Why don’t you make like your hair and wig out… of here?
Brad: Better question, why did that empty box have a spy hiding in it?
M. Rambler: I don’t think it’s a spy… I’m pretty sure that’s where D.Conrad keeps his future Dead Space 3 co-op partner.
Brad: Bummer, I was hoping we were secretly building a Metal Gear.
D.Conrad: Rambler you are re-hired, just so I can point at Trump like this…
D.Trump: YOU’RE FIRED!
GlowPuff: While you’re at it, Mr. Trump, kindly fire the project lead for Dead Space 3.
D.Trump (to Dead Space 3 Project Lead): YOU’RE FIRED!
Dead Space 3 Project lead: It’s okay, I’ve got my trusty co-op partner to help me get through the trying times ahead.
M. Rambler: Comparing your new, high-tech game console to a fad from the 80’s seems like a great marketing strategy to me.
B. Indifferent: You know, I heard it’s going to have full reverse compatibility with every game ever released for the Phantom.
D.Conrad: Someone write this down on the whiteboard. “The Ouya will never see the light of day”. Also write this down. “The people making the Ouya are now filthy rich!”
Brad: That’s good. The most important thing you can have for a console designed to play smartphone games is portability — that’s the one thing you don’t get with a cell phone.
GlowPuff: I agree, I have to lug around my cell phone in a backpack, and it weights about 5 pounds. My notebook computer is lighter!
M. Rambler: Well, if you need a co-op partner to help you lug it around, I’m your Huckleberry.
Summary: According to news reports, a Japanese government agency is investigating cases of PlayStation Vita systems overheating during recharging. Sony blames stupid customers.
D.Conrad: Wait… I am not supposed to use it at night to keep myself warm?
GlowPuff: I accidentally shorted one of my little 120 maH LiPo (lithium polymer) helicopter batteries once, and it got burning hot within milliseconds of it happening. Almost burned my fingers in a split second. I wonder if it’s a batch of poorly manufactured cables causing the problem, and not the Vita itself. It’s odd that the CABLE is getting hot, and not the Vita itself (if I understand the article correctly).
Sometimes I wish Dead Space 3 was a LiPo battery, and I could just short it out, watch it puff, and wait for it to spontaneously explode. These are the same kinds of batteries I use in my helis, but I’ve never had one puff and explode. But I have had one puff. I got rid of it ASAP, just as I will do with Dead Space 3’s co-op.
B. Indifferent: Who said American innovation was dead? It looks like Sony just decided to wait a little while before stealing an idea from Microsoft.
Brad: The problem apparently stems from the Vita being exposed to liquid. And, trust me, you don’t even want to know what happens if you feed one after midnight.
M. Rambler: Brad, I think you’re doing a huge disservice to our readers if you don’t open their eyes to the horrors that await them.
Brad: Okay, Rambler, you’re right. If you feed your Vita after midnight, it turns into a giant Wii U controller.
Summary: Someone at NASA plastered an image of Portal 2’s Wheatley on the side of a resupply craft headed for SPAAAAAACE!!!
D.Conrad: Gabe Newell. LIKE A BOSS!
GlowPuff: HAHA that’s pretty neat! I wonder what hoops had to be jumped through to make this happen. Probably the same rusty hoops that had to be jumped through to get co-op unceremoniously dumped into Dead Space 3.
M. Rambler: Five bucks says that anonymous NASA prankster had a co-op partner.
Summary: Valve boss Gabe Newell voices his opinion about Microsoft’s upcoming operating system, Windows 8, and it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
Brad: Oh hey, nobody tell Gabe Newell that PC gaming essentially been dead for the last 10 years. I guess I could see how you might get a bit myopic about that when you made one of the only two games people still play on the PC anymore.
D.Conrad: I once tried to install Linux. I couldn’t use my videocard or soundcard with it. Once I did get it running it had fun locking up. I can’t wait to play Steam on that! In no way is Linux a catastrophe. Rambler is the only one here with the required beard to be a Linux user.
M. Rambler: I recently upgraded my beardware in anticipation of the move.
GlowPuff: Several years ago I installed Mandrake Linux on an old notebook computer that was underpowered and had only 64MB of RAM. It ran decently. Booting up was slow, but once inside the OS it wasn’t bad, considering the piece of crap it was running on. I will not be installing Linux on my main machine any time soon, however. I’ve been watching Windows 8 very closely, and I’m worried about it. Calling it a catastrophe right now may be a bit premature, but I honestly will not be surprised if it turns out to be so.
In related news, Gabe Newell also said that Dead Space 3 is going to be a catastrophe. That, I can agree on, premature or not.
M. Rambler: And while we’re beating this dead horse, guess who has a co-op partner in regards to his anti-Windows 8 crusade?
Summary: UbiSoft leaked a document to GameStop revealing the creation of an entire team of developers devoted only to AC3 DLC.
D.Conrad: I have never purchased one bit of Assassin’s Creed DLC. Maybe they need to take the ending out of the game and make you buy it. AMIRIGHT Square-Enix?
Brad: Maybe they can take all the parts with Desmond or whoever that take place in the near future and have that be the DLC. Then I could not buy them! Seriously, are we gaining anything from the “we’re in the future and can access your ancestor’s memories” metastory? I just want to run around in previous eras and murder people. I don’t need a big explanation as to why. In fact, I don’t really need ANY explanation at all. Time travelling violence is its own reward.
GlowPuff: If I could time travel, I’d screw up history sooooo bad. Kinda like how Dead Space 3 is going to screw up the nice history it had going in previous games in the series. RIP.
M. Rambler: Need a co-op partner? We could turn it into a whole Puff and Rambler’s Excellent Adventure type thing.
Summary: Yves Guillemot, CEO and co-founder of UbiSoft says he’d like to see a new hardware launch, because without hardware innovation, gamers will get bored.
GlowPuff: Someone tell this guy that lack of good games will also make me bored. Then I’ll have to go outside and play in the traffic. Hey, there’s an idea for a new game!
Brad: It’s easy for a publisher to go around demanding some other company take the financial risk of designing a new console for him to make games (and money) on. Funny how I don’t see the Ubistation 720 in development anywhere.
GlowPuff: Wha… you didn’t hear about the Ubistation 720? Man, that is old news, like Dead Space 3’s co-op “experience”.
D.Conrad: I was playing a great game on the PlayStation 2 the other day. Boy was I bored because it was on some old hardware.
GlowPuff: If it was a good game, it probably was not Dead Space 3. Amirite?
B. Indifferent: I’d like to see better snacks in the company break room. We’re overdue for some “innovation” in the food provided to the staff here, and if you don’t innovate soon, Donald, our readers are going to get bored.
D.Conrad: That’s a good point Bitterly. I have been slipping LSD into Rambler’s green tea for almost a year. I think it’s why he talks to imaginary people while we are in here. It would also explain why he is naked right now. I’m just sad that UbiSoft is telling me I’m bored with my games. Obviously I am not bored with the Tower Defence mini game in Assassin’s Creed Revelations. BECAUSE THAT IS SUPER FUN AND NOT OUT OF PLACE AT ALL!
M. Rambler: You guys need to stop talking about Board like that. He’s sitting right here next to me and can hear every nasty thing you say about him.
M. Rambler: Hey, can someone get me that tea refill I asked for 10 minutes ago already? Board and I are cooperatively thirsty!!
Summary: Game director, Hideo Kojima, talks about 25 years of the Metal Gear franchise.
Brad: If you want to lose your faith in humanity, just dive right into the comments following a Metal Gear article. “Oh, I love Metal Gear, the stories and characters are so wonderful!” Really? What was it that grabbed you – the ninja that made no sense, the roller-skating bomber, or the dude made out of bees? Or was it the hour long monologues about genome soldiers and symmetry? Seriously, if you think the Metal Gear have a great stories, please try reading some friggin’ books. Preferably ones that don’t have a wizard on the cover.
Or better yet, read the Metal Gear play I wrote.
D.Conrad: Metal Gear Ac!d is the best in that franchise. I will say that until they pronounce me dead. That being said, Brad, your Metal Gear play is so good! GlowPuff, make a game based on the Metal Gear play by Brad. To be fair, I think the MGS stories still make more sense than the Harry Potter series.
Brad: That is setting the bar pretty low though. Like, I think you’d have to dig a hole to set that bar.
GlowPuff: Dead Space 3 is on track to meet that low bar head on. The cool thing is it can re-use that hole for its grave. Right after it puffs and explodes like a badly mistreated LiPo battery.
Summary: Bethesda exec, Pete Hines, tweets that Skyrim’s Dawnguard DLC has not been announced for any platform other than the Xbox 360.
Brad: Ha ha ha! I look pretty smart now for only owning an xbox 360, don’t I? Oh wait, it just red ringed again… dammit!
M. Rambler: I know it’s hard to believe, but I might be more angry at Bethesda right now than Donald is at Dead Space 3.
D.Conrad: Want to borrow some of my pitchforks and torches? We can just go burn down both companies after this.
M. Rambler: Let’s roll.
GlowPuff: Roll? I heard Dead Space 3 has combat rolls. You know, like the other generic first person shooters that it’s copying from.
M. Rambler: GlowPuff, Donald and I would invite you to come along, but it’s kind of a two player co-op thing.
Summary: Zynga founder, Marc Pincus, and other top execs cashed out their stock shares to the tune of millions of dollars… just before the price took a huge tumble.
Source: Game Informer
D.Conrad: Great news everybody! I just invested all of your 401Ks in Zynga stock! Now to just wait for the cash to pour in!
Brad: Ok, if I try really hard, I could probably come up with some innocent explanations, like maybe the Zynga insiders all sold their shares for unrelated reasons like wanting to raise some cash for personal needs, but then seeing the management selling off caused investors to panic, which triggered the crash. Or maybe… no, you know what? I’m almost certain the people at Zynga pulled a Martha on their shareholders.
D.Conrad: Woo! Glad that guy from Zynga told me not to invest my 401K. Bad luck guys.. Bad luck.
GlowPuff: I just lifted my can of soda to my face to take a sip, forgot that it had a straw in it, and accidentally stabbed my brain when the straw jabbed up my left nostril. I imagine this is how I will feel after playing Dead Space 3. Oh, I see something peculiar is happening with Zynga stock!
Brad: Alright, as long as we’re done with the news, I think we should take a second to help Donald address his Dead Space 3 problem. Donald, it’s going to be ok… well, I mean, obviously DS3 isn’t going to be ok, but life will. Bad sequels happen to our favorite games. We’ve all been there, haven’t we guys?
B. Indifferent: Absolutely. You’ve still got the previous installments of Dead Space; they can’t retroactively make those terrible. I hate Suikoden III — as do all right-thinking folk — but it’s not like that took a big, runny dump on my ability to enjoy Suikoden and Suikoden II.
Brad: I remember when I first played Bioshock 2 – no Andrew Ryan, a bunch of lame environments, no worthwhile changes… I cried for weeks. But Bioshock is still awesome. Just try to remember the good times.
Eventually you’ll move on and find a new game series to love. And eventually some unworthy sequel will ruin that too.
GlowPuff: Alright everyone, I have something COOL and EXCITING to share with you all, to raise your collective spirits from this Dead Space 3 debacle. Do you all remember that FTW we ran some weeks ago, mentioning that nutjob that turned his CAT into a quadrocopter? I promised that I would one day build a quad of my own (minus the dead animal). That day has come, behold my recently built quadrocopter in action!
M. Rambler: GlowPuff, your chopter is awesome and all, but didn’t you read the first news article? Animal parts make everything better.
D.Conrad: I am just going to start exclusively playing Mario Brothers games. Nintendo hasn’t changed anything in that franchise. All good things have to come to an end I guess. So, who is ready to sit around and get excited for Borderlands 2? THIS GUY!
Brad: *crickets chirping*
M. Rambler: *crickets chirping*
Glowpuff: *crickets chirping*
B. Indifferent: *crickets chirping*
D.Conrad: Are you guys still not over the 401k thing you just found out about? Get over it already!
FTW crew minus Donald co-operatively: Yep.
D.Conrad: Get over it already!
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