Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests – to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
M. Rambler: I’m not even here right now.
D.Conrad: You are so, but am I?
B. Indifferent: I wish I was here.
Brad: I wish there was ice cream here.
Cardboard Cutout Rambler: I’m here!!
GlowPuff: Everyone left just because I’m hosting this week’s FTW? It won’t be THAT bad…
M. Rambler: I’m definitely not here, then. On to the news.
Zynga introduces a new game, LostProfitVille
Summary: Zynga share prices have tumbled almost 25% in the past month, currently trading near 52-week lows.
Source: Seeking Alpha
B. Indifferent: Amazing! It’s like people suddenly noticed how irritating FarmVille really is.
M. Rambler: And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you haven’t fertilized my crops in months, Mister.
D.Conrad: This reminds me of the time I have never played Farmville. By my math in three more months everyone who played Farmville will be in this boat with me.
Brad: Man, if there’s one thing less exciting than playing Farmville, it’s reading about the company that makes Farmville’s P/E ratio. Thanks for that, guys.
D.Conrad: You are welcome Brad. We all know you secretly love financial stories.
Cardboard Cutout Rambler: Someone talk to me!
GlowPuff: I like financial stories with lots of pictures and no text, numbers, or charts. Well, charts are ok, as long as they use colorful gradients.
Tragically a Diablo 3 fan pays a steep price.
Summary: Dude plays a game too long, doesn’t eat or hydrate himself, and surprisingly dies.
GlowPuff: This is disturbing… I’ve played a marathon session of Diablo 3 for over 40 hours before, and I’m still o
D.Conrad: Still what? GlowPuff? Uh oh. MEDIC!
B. Indifferent: Quick! Has anyone looted the body yet?
D.Conrad: He has a Windows Phone and a picture of a bacon sandwich!
Brad: Wait? That’s what looting is? You didn’t even have to hit the “crouch” button at all.
Cardboard Cutout Rambler: Alright, who wrote KICK ME across my back?
Blocks are harder to hack than 1 and 0′s.
Summary: A mouse wheel has better security than Sony.
GlowPuff: My password-less PC has better security than Sony. Let’s keep it going, things that have better security than Sony! And…..GO!
B. Indifferent: Individually wrapped slices of Velveeta.
D.Conrad: Anything a kid’s toy comes packaged in.
Brad: My ex-girlfriend’s apartm… oh, you guys almost got me there.
Kojima declares they are FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!
Summary: Leaked MGS5 screen shots are actually fake.
GlowPuff: Or are they? I think they were purposefully leaked to get a fan reaction. After bad press about the low quality, Kojima claimed they are fake, and will now secretly go back to the drawing board to redesign this game. Thoughts?
Brad: Those fake pictures were leaked by the Patriots through their front organization, the National Weather Service, as part of an Illuminati plot to sow discontent among gamers, which will drive them to buy more Mt. Dew, which is secretly run by the Brazilian mafia as part of a human genome experiment from the Cold War, and they’re gonna build a mech with nuclear weapons!!! Also, improbable ninjas! Metal Gear!
D.Conrad: Brad! I made it clear that you are not to read your Metal Gear Fan Fic in this office. People might mistake it for a Metal Gear plot that makes sense. Then we have pandemonium and cohesive plot lines! Also, Metal Gear Ac!d 4 LIFE!
B. Indifferent: SNAKE, THIS IS COLONEL CAMPBELL. YOU NEED TO TURN THE INTERNET OFF. TURN IT OFF RIGHT NOW. SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
Nintendo turns a standard of the industry into an optional add on because they love money!
Summary: Nintendo to sell optional controller for normal people, indirectly states it’s the preferred way to game.
GlowPuff: So… if you want to play games the way NORMAL PEOPLE play them (on a real controller), you have to fork out even more money to do that with this *optional* accessory? Nice.
He says it may be more attractive for “longer, more intense (that’s what she said) forms of gaming”. So….. he’s saying this *optional* controller is *better* than the Wii U itself for playing most games ever created? So… that means the stock Wii U Breast (oops I mean Chest) Controller is only going to be suitable for the 1% of games made especially for it? A sound plan, my king.
B. Indifferent: I’m now taking bets as to whether the Wii U is going to outsell the Virtual Boy.
Brad: Somebody ought to make a competing console that just comes with a “normal” controller instead of a gimmicky, touch screen enhanced mess. They’d make a fortune.
D.Conrad: Enter Xbox 8, PlayStation 4 and well…even the Vita is a better control than the Wii U. Also, they all have better names than the Wii U. Playstation 3 will have the Last of Us. That is better than anything the Wii U has shown. But I am sure that the Wii U will have a Mario game that only uses that tablet that can be mistaken for the International Space Station.
GlowPuff: Whenever I read “Wii U”, I still think it’s a university.
Amazon sets it’s crosshairs on another industry.
Summary: Amazon is building a game studio in San Francisco.
Source: Business Insider
B. Indifferent: I’d like to take a moment to address Jeff Bezos directly. Jeff, I know that heaping all your cash in the front yard and turning it into a massive bonfire releases pollutants and increases your carbon footprint, but there are better ways for you to waste money. You could send some of it to me, for example.
Brad: Or just buy shares of Zynga. I heard a rumor that there’s going to be a lot of people looking to sell them.
GlowPuff: If you sell it, I will buy it.
D.Conrad: They should hire Curt Schilling to run their studio. I hear he is just awesome at it!
A crazy ruling with a spot of tea.
Summary: Court ruling forces Apple to announce that they were not copied by Samsung.
Source: PC Mag
GlowPuff: BAHAhahaha. That’s just hilarious. Do they have to wear a dunce cap, too, and sit in the corner?
D.Conrad: All I can picture is Apple stating at a chalkboard like Bart Simpson writing “We were not copied by Samsung” over and a over. Is this really what we use our courts of law for these days?
B. Indifferent: Technically, it’s what the United Kingdom is using their courts of law for, which explains a lot about why their government doesn’t have any money and their citizens are perpetually on the verge of rioting.
Brad: I think Apple’s plan here is just to appeal this ruling until there simply aren’t any more magazines for them to have to take these ads out in. Should take a couple more months.
EA hates Dead Space fans?
Summary: EA Research discovers that the world is full of pansy asses that want to hold someone’s hand (co-op) while they play a scary game.
D.Conrad: I think I am so mad at this article that life has slowed down, just so I can take a moment to sharpen my rage. My rage for Laura Miele. Who I will always remember as the person who ruined Dead Space. Thanks for focus grouping! How much do you want to bet that most people who showed up to this focus group had never played Dead Space before? AUGH!
I don’t care that YOU would rather see a scary movie with your husband. Isaac started this journey alone and he should end this journey alone! The true horror of Dead Space is that you are alone! THAT IS THE POINT! WITHOUT THAT THE SINGLE SCARIEST THING ABOUT THE GAME IS VOIDED!
I am glad you are going after people who were not open to Dead Space 1 and 2. From the looks of it, those people were open to Army of Two. Thank the Marker you had the team that made that CLASSIC franchise locked in a closet at EA. Just pull them out, dust them off and add them to the Dead Space design team?
I am glad people will be “comfortable” while playing the new Dead Space. Because It would be horrible if they were uncomfortable. Like that time I was afraid to open a door in the game. WAIT! THAT IS ONE OF MY BEST MEMORIES OF THE GAME! Marketing strategies killed Dead Space 3. From everything I have read and seen I have lost all interest in this game. Did you come up with a strategy for the fans of the game that you alienated Laura Miele? Or do you figure that if you lose us and gain the Call of Duty kids it was an acceptable loss?
Somebody hand me that bottle of Wild Turkey, I need to forget this story…NOW!
GlowPuff: Well said, and roller coasters should be all straight lines and gentle curves.
What more can be said here? Sad. Who else thinks the people they based their research on were breastfed until high school? These people should be bolted to a chair and forced to watch I Spit On Your Grave. Some of the scenes in that movie will make you pucker up real good.
D.Conrad: Everything after the 24 minute mark.
Brad: If it makes you feel any better, it’s the third game in the series, so there was a pretty good chance they were going to screw it up anyway. At least now you’re sure of that ahead of time, so you don’t have to… You’re going to buy it anyway, aren’t you?
GlowPuff: Oh, absolutely. But only if someone holds my hand during co-op play. Donald?
D.Conrad: Yeah, I am going to end up buying it…Because I hate me. Who emptied this bottle of Wild Turkey I was just holding?
Summary: FF XIII Versus MIGHT be canceled.
GlowPuff: A rumor is good enough for me. We can only hope this is true. And going by the response from Square Enix, it sounds mighty true.
D.Conrad: I keep forgetting that they announced this game. I am glad after all this time of not showing anything they are going to officially call time of death!
Brad: You ever take on too many projects at once, and then just completely forget that one of them even existed until someone asks you about it months later? I’m guessing that’s what happened here. “Final Fantasy XIII Vs? Uh… oh yeah! I remember that. That’s um… cancelled.”
They are going to have to build a bank to hold all their money!
Summary: MineCraft sells 3 million copies.
GlowPuff: Incredible! But I don’t play this game, and I’m afraid I will not be 3 million and one. I think Donald was number 2 million and three.
D.Conrad: They should hire Laura Miele! That franchise needs to be put on its knees, shot in the temple, and buried in a shallow grave in Arizona. It is far too fun at the moment. YES I AM STILL PISSED AT THE DEAD SPACE STORY!
Brad: Minecraft is one of those games that’s incredible right up until the moment you suddenly never want to play it again. It’s like having a switch flip in your brain. I’m guessing of those 3 million, 2.5 of them are burned out players who never want to see another cobblestone block for as long as they live.
GlowPuff: And that’s a wrap, the week is Finished.
D.Conrad: DEAD SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!
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