Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests – to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
M. Rambler: Anyone up for some freshly cooked Sidewalk Egg McMuffins?
D.Conrad: Who’s ballet shoes are these?
B. Indifferent: They’re mine. I started a Kickstarter project so people will give me money to film my visionary, one-man-dance-troupe interpretation of Swan Lake. It’s going to be epic.
Brad: I can back up Bitterly’s claim, I’ve already seen a preview of it.
GlowPuff: Well I’ve seen the finished film, and it is truly VISIONARY.
M. Rambler: Anyone up for some freshly cooked news stories?
For a next-gen console, Wii U so slow?
Summary: Tekken series producer Katsuhiro Harada indicates the Wii U’s processing speed is possibly even slower than current gen consoles.
Source: Digital Spy
B. Indifferent: Good things are worth waiting for, right? I mean, that’s the reason why we never post these FTW’s on a consistent, timely schedule, isn’t it?
M. Rambler: No, it’s because I’m lazy.
GlowPuff: Wow, yet another article about the underpowered Wii U. As C3PO would say, we’re doomed.
D. Conrad: I am going to go out on a limb and say that a modern processor running at a slower clock speed is still running more efficiently than a five year old processor. It’s a shame though, compared to Xbox 8 and PlayStation 4 that processor is going to be WAYYYYYYYY slower.
Brad: I think they’re just trying to shift the focus off of that insane controller. “Look guys! The Wii U has other bad features, too! It’s not just the awful, wide-as-a-man’s-chest controller.”
M. Rambler: I wish my chest were as wide as the Wii U controller… but the reality of that would mean hitting the gym to pump some serious iron, so I’ll just stick to wishing.
Resident Evil 6 hour long movie
Summary: The British Board of Film Classification apparently poured over 4 hours of cutscene footage in order to provide Resident Evil 6 a proper game rating.
Source: Game Informer, via the British Board of Film Classification
D.Conrad: Finally, Capcom steps up and brings back the totally non interactive gaming experience! It’s about time!
B. Indifferent: Seriously. It’ll be something I can switch to when I’m tired of
watching a Hideo Kojima movie playing Metal Gear.
M. Rambler: I like that Capcom came back with the excuse that the length is due to having death scenes for each of the six main characters in the game. Let me sum things up using the simple equation below:
4 hours of convoluted cutscenes + 6 undeveloped main characters = 1 person who thinks this game is going to be a complete mess
Brad: Seems like a lot of effort for a fruitless cause. Anyone who thinks game ratings prevent young gamers from playing “mature” titles has obviously never played one online.
When I was 14 or 15, getting into an R-rated movie was about as difficult as breathing – somebody’s dad bought the tickets for us, or a friend had an older sibling working the ticket counter, or you’d just buy tickets from the jaded guy who didn’t give a rat’s ass. I’d wager it’s the same for M-rated games these days.
GlowPuff: Agreed. I was renting…um…Adult Entertainment on VHS from the local hole-in-the-wall video shop when I was 13 without issue.
M. Rambler: GlowPuff, given your statement and the latest RE 6 revelation, it sounds like at least one of us is going to be very excited to play this game!
Penny Arcade gets Kickstartered in the coin purse
Summary: Someone is furious that Penny Arcade is asking its fans directly for money.
B. Indifferent: Let the record show that I was hating Penny Arcade before it was popular to hate Penny Arcade. And while we’re noting things, I also hate sunshine, kittens, and make-out parties, just in case people decide to turn on those later.
GlowPuff: What about unicorns? Do you hate unicorns?
D.Conrad: I hate that Bitterly tries to start a make-out party after every FTW issue. It’s great that this guy hates Penny Arcade, he is fighting the man! Way to go, you fancy rebel, keep up the good fight… OR just ignore it and let people spend money on it if they want.
GlowPuff: When did Penny Arcade become “the man”? Was it when they started abusing their power?
M. Rambler: Donald, if you like I could do a Kickstarter asking for $20 to make Bitterly stop having his regular FTW Makeout Afterparty. But then I’ll probably just start my own regular FTW Makeout Afterparty, and I’ll be $20 richer! Wait, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that last part… anyway, just ignore FTW Makeout Afterparty and let people have fun if they want.
Brad: So if you hate PA, and you hate kittens, then what do you make of the Penny Arcade comic where they flip off a box of kittens? For what it’s worth, I’ve also always hated Penny Arcade, too, but it’s been for the same reason that I hate The Onion – envy.
Ben Spurr: Sub-Human Douchecanoe
Summary: Man addresses charges of sexism in video games by creating a video game where you beat up a woman.
GlowPuff: <cracks knuckles> Perfect cue for my favorite joke! Why did she have two black eyes? Because she didn’t shut up the first time she was told. Please direct angry emails to Donald.
B. Indifferent: Speaking of Kickstarter projects to ignore because people should spend money however they want…
PROTIP — when people talk about “responding to constructive criticism,” they don’t mean “construct something incorporating every horrible thing the critic mentioned.”
Brad: Did you guys check out the picture of this guy? I had no idea Gollum knew how to program games.
D.Conrad: Ben Spurr is indeed a doucheface, but I am confused by Anita Sarkeesian’s Kickstarter project. Is she going to address how many male characters I kill in video games? I only ran over those hookers in Grand Theft Auto BY ACCIDENT.
Brad: I have to say, this kind of makes me look forward to the inevitable “kick Ben Spurr in the nuts” game.
M. Rambler: Why does it have to be a game? Ben himself says his game “Isn’t about ‘punching women.’ It’s about punching a selfish person. There’s a difference.” Which leads me to my latest Kickstarter campaign. It isn’t about “kicking Ben Spurr’s nuts.” It’s about kicking the crap out of a selfish person’s nuts. There is literally NO difference. Simply pay my way to Canada, and consider the job done.
GlowPuff: I just donated $15 to your Coin Purse Scissor Kick campaign.
Summary: Michael Fassbender — that famous guy from all those movies — may become that famous guy from the Assassin’s Creed movie.
Brad: I’m pretty sure the statement “Michael Fassbender was our first choice” is some kind of producer’s codespeak for “Our casting budget was pretty low.”
D.Conrad: Could somebody more motivated than me IMDB this guy? Is he just good at bending things fast?
M. Rambler: Michael could also go by the surname Ironbender and he’s good at androiding, getting shot in the tea bags, having painted on abs, and analyzing things… but in a psychological way… not in that other way that GlowPuff is thinking about right now.
B. Indifferent: I, for one, welcome this new and original idea of making a blockbuster movie from a hit video game. I’m sure it’ll be amazing.
Hollywood decides it’s a glorious Deus to make a movie
Summary: Deus Ex movie reportedly in development.
B. Indifferent: I, for one, welcome this new and original idea of making a blockbuster movie from a video game series that’s over a decade old. I’m sure it’ll be amazing.
Archie Comics not to be outdone by Hollywood’s creative bankruptcy
Summary: Archie Comics is planning a Mega Man/Sonic the Hedgehog “crossover event”.
Source: Archie Comics
B. Indifferent: I, for one — wait, what have you done, Brad?! It worked! Your time machine successfully brought us back to the 80’s! I mean, that’s the only reason why anyone would be expected to care about this.
Brad: Ah, Bitterly, you’re a little confused on decades. Mega Man is from the 80s, but Sonic wasn’t around until the 90s. And Archie is from… I don’t know, the Crusades?
GlowPuff: Let’s just say what we’re really thinking here – this is stupid beyond imagination. I’d rather own a Wii U.
Brad: Really, though, this was an idea that had been a long time coming. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve played either game and thought, “Man, it would be awesome if these two teamed up… in an Archie comic.”
D.Conrad: I bet Sonic gets with Veronica and Betty. Those two freaks look they are into Furries.
B. Indifferent: You’re thinking of Midge. She was dating a guy named “Moose,” after all.
What?! Why are you looking at me like that? I don’t care about these characters, I just know an awful lot about them!
M. Rambler: Bitterly, you can stop the proverbial tap dancing… your Archie FanFic site speaks for itself.
Look out Wii U, someone else just joined the next-gen party
Summary: New open source console project called Ouya requests and receives LOTS of funding on Kickstarter.
D.Conrad: I am going to get ahold of these people. I’m guessing that this is going to rattle some cages at Apple. It seems people are willing to throw down a ton of money to have a physical control to play those perfect “virtual” thumbstick games.
B. Indifferent: So they’re going to hook an Android phone up to a TV, and charge people money for it? Awesome.
GlowPuff: You can do this now with an iPad and a highly overpriced TV output accessory.
M. Rambler: So are you saying the Wii U is basically already out?
Brad: All this tells me is that there are more than 35,000 gamers who apparently have never heard of XBLA or PSN… Or if the $99 price tag is that big of a deal, might I introduce them to the Playstation 2?
M. Rambler: Was anyone else scared about the “Hackers Welcome” tagline near the bottom of their Kickstarter page? I’m pretty sure we’ve covered this topic before in FTW… hackers ruin everything. Good luck tOuya.
Even next-gen systems won’t be able to properly render goth samurai, gun swords, or spiky hair
Summary: Julien Merceron, worldwide technology director for Square Enix, says programmers will always be struggling with new problems to create lifelike graphics
D.Conrad: Also, writers at Square Enix will always struggle with Final Fantasy’s story not sucking.
GlowPuff: I struggle with driving straight while under the influence. Also, read this for more info on the uncanny valley.
B. Indifferent: Oh hey, that reminds me. I paid good money to see Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within while it was still in theaters, and I’ve been waiting for an apology ever since.
D.Conrad: Fun fact: The Spirits Within never had a script. Need proof? Watch it!
Brad: Part of the reason Final Fantasy’s characters will never look entirely realistic might have something to do with their insistence on dressing them like lunatics.
M. Rambler: I guess that means Namco will be be screwed on the next-gen consoles too.
Summary: Warwick Davis finds acting in games to be as rewarding as regular acting.
Brad: I think it’s worth noting here that the game in question is called Pocket Warwick. That means he’s not just starring in a game, he is the product. The only way Shakespeare could ever be that rewarding is if you actually were King Lear or MacBeth.
M. Rambler: I know one thing. I will definitely not find Pocket Warwick to be as rewarding as Pocket Pool.
D.Conrad: Warwick’s argument is invalid. The only game Mr. Davis should be concerned about is the Willow arcade game. My inner child remembers that it was awesome!
GlowPuff: Indeed it was awesome. I’m producing a game called Pocket Me. It will star you, the player, as you customize the character in your own name and likeness. You are the hero, and the game will endeavor to provide you with a means to display your narcissistic perfection in an online arena consisting of your peers.
Trent Reznor takes a break from putting out increasingly disappointing albums to write the theme song for an increasingly disappointing video games series
Summary: The theme for Black Ops 2 will be written by Trent Reznor.
Source: USA Today
D.Conrad: It’s appropriate. People spend an entire Call of Duty game’s life cycle complaining about the game. Then when the new one hits they rush out to buy it. They then complain about the game for it’s entire life cycle. Head like a Hole comes to mind.
Brad: The only thing I got out of this article is that I never, ever want to see a recent photo of any of my former music heroes again. Trent looks less like a rock star and more like he wants to have a serious discussion with me about term life insurance, while frequently reminding me that I’m “not getting any younger”. And after seeing these pictures, I sort of feel like I should listen to him.
GlowPuff: What’s this? Brad, I thought your time machine brought us back to the 80s to visit Mega Man and Archie Comics. We should be younger now, not older.
Brad: Didn’t you see the critically acclaimed documentary on time travel, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure? When you go back in time, you stay the same age. Otherwise Bill and Ted never would have gotten to meet Socrates because they wouldn’t have been born yet. I’m not sure why Trent actually looks so much older, but I guess spending the last ten years teaching potions at Hogwarts will do that to ya.
M. Rambler: Okay, wait… are you guys talking right now? I’m a little busy changing my mind about that Pocket Warwick game… I gave it a chance and find it to be quite stimulating.
M. Rambler: Well, that’s it for the week. I’m just glad Brad brought us back to the 80′s. That means this is totally RAD again!! You have no idea how happy I am. Smell you dudes later, I’m off to play some Super Mario Bros.
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