Do Not Watch – Transformers: Dark of the Moon


Autobots! Sort this out.
When reviewing something, it’s best to go into the content without preconceptions of the product. That is impossible since Transformers: Rise of the Fallen seared my eyes. Dark of the Moon is not a movie. It is a punishment for loving something while I was growing up. These new Transformers are made to entice a new generation of kids to love robots in disguise. Poor kids, they will never know how awesome these robots were.

My main problem with Dark of the Moon is not the fact that it has too much Shia LaBeouf in it, but that it doesn’t have enough robots.

It is a Transformers movie right? You know what is better than robots fighting robots? Shia LaBeouf looking for a job! What? That is the best thing ever! Oh a new By-The-Book government lady who can put Optimus in his place? That sounds great! I bet she ends up being a wacky character! That guy from Grey’s Anatomy? Bet there is no way he is a villain. If he was, that would be crazy! This whole time people keep mentioning the Transformers.

I would have settled for the actors transforming into not sucking! But, that is a lot to ask.


FLASH BACK!
Oh hey, we are back in the space race. What a good time in human history! Let’s see how Michael of Bay ruins it. It seems the Arc from Cybertron has crash landed in the sea of Tranquility. America gets it’s space travel on and goes to investigate. So does Russia -It would seem Autobot tech caused the Chernobyl accident. Terrorists.

There is believable retelling of history and then, there is this. If we had a Transformers ship on the moon, why didn’t we harvest it for tech? That would not have advanced the technology in the fictional world of this “film’s” universe at all! OH it was a Deceptacon plot? That Grey’s Anatomy guy is an accountant pulling all the strings on keeping us off the moon? Oh, his father was the guy who kept us off the moon, but he is just a bad guy by heritage? Still no robots fighting? Well, at least this movie has a great plot so far!


Back Stab!
Iron Side dies in this movie. I almost came off my sofa in anger. Then I remembered that these are Transformers movie in the same way Star Wars episode 1-3 are Star Wars movies. They are not accepted as canon.

So Iron Side is killed by Leonard Nimoy (who plays Sentinel Prime) who turns out to be working with the Deceptacons! What? Who (besides everyone) saw that coming? After killing one of the coolest Transformers in the movie, he continues to be Leonard Nimoy voicing a robot. Here is the thing about Leonard Nimoy Prime. He looks nothing like a robot in the face. He has a dread lock goatee! How do you even do that with robot parts?

Anyway, he wants to bring Cybertron to earth, then use humans as slave labor to rebuild Cybertron. Much like the first movie (I can’t speak for the second, I never finished it) this battle must go down in Chicago! Why? I imagine it’s where they got permission to film while disrupting traffic for days on end. Finally! Robots Fighting!


No, wait!
It seems (while the robots are fighting) that we need to watch Shia LaBeouf rescue his girlfriend (Don’t worry! I think they will get married!) from Grey’s Anatomy guy. It seems that Grey’s Anatomy guy is also invincible to bullets that have the abiltiy to remove the face from a building. Now that all the relasonship things seem to be out of the way, we can get to robots fighting.

Optimums must take down Sentinel (who has opened a portal across space to bring Cybertron into Earth’s atmosphere.)


SCIENCE SIDE BAR
I get that no one in the script room can be bothered with “plot” or “story” or “dialogue”, but can’t we try on the Science front? Just a little bit? If you bring an entire planet that dwarf’s Earth into Earth’s upper atmosphere, you are looking at a catastrophic event. The oceans alone would rise up in protest! Then such a massive shift in the gravitational fields would proubably cause changes to the envoirnment that would make Al Gore’s face explode off his head. Earth would have probably been destroyed instantly.


Back to the robot fighting
Megatron shows up after being prodded by Shia LaBeouf’s future ex-wife. She just happened to walk past him while he was sitting in an ally. I think he was drinking a 40. He really wasn’t in the movie all that much. It’s okay. He sucks as an character. He gets his rear axle handed to him by Sentinal. But don’t worry, it seems there is one person on the writing staff who knows what Optimus Prime is all about. With one arm (the other got cut off), he ends Sentinel’s existence. Megatron is very happy. He decides he and Optimus should join forces with Megatron as the leader. Having none of this, Optimus kills him again. It was super easy for him. Seriously, no effort was taken to do it. Why had he not done this before? It was like an after thought, just “Oh Megatron is here, he wants to lead all robots on earth to glory. I probably should kill him with no effort.”

Until Transformers: “Next confusing title here”, Megatron is dead. Wasn’t he dead after the first movie?

You are then treated to a voice over by Optimus who assures the people of Earth that the Autobots are here for them.

I wonder if he will be best robot at Shia LaBeouf’s wedding?

Just do not watch this movie for any reason.

Well, I’m off to never watch another Transformers movie again.
Donald-


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About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd