Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler: ….
D.Conrad: I am officially getting worried about you Rambler. I know I said I would take you to a doctor if you didn’t snap out of this by Monday, but I have been putting it off. Not even GlowPuff’s new fire breathing hobby and follow up trip to the burn unit phased you.
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler: ….
M. Rambler: Holy crap, who is that sexy beast standing across the table from me? Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler, you complete me!
D.Conrad: Wait…What? Are you kidding me? Okay, looking back, you being a cardboard cutout clears up quite a few things.
M. Rambler: Yeah, my custom cardboard cutout came in the mail last week and I figured leaving him/me in the staff room here would allow for the perfect chance at a weekend off. Mission accomplished. And I’ve gotta say. It sounds like Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler had you all at hello. Oh, and my weekend off… MINDBLOWING! Dudes check out my bucket list:
Complete both CoD Black Ops and Modern Warfare 3 in the same day – CHECK
Watch The Avengers, the most awesomest movie of all times in 3D and at a theater that lets you drink beer – CHECK
Spectate a powerlifting meet – CHECK
Check myself into the hospital for internal bleeding after heckling a powerlifter – CHECK
Watch my friend get a rose on the first episode of The Bachelorette - CHECK
Dude, seriously, all that’s left is for me to drop a deuce in Donald’s private bathroom here at the DNF office, and I can die a happy man!
D.Conrad: I just swallowed the key, so good luck to you, sir.
M. Rambler: Party pooper. Actually that description could fit me if you’d just regurgitate the key right now…
D.Conrad: ANYWAY! Insomniac games made me think that maybe Facebook can be more. Outernauts has landed solidly on my radar. I mean WOW! So, I didn’t really get time to play games this week, I was too busy being so angry at the Prometheus Trailer. What little gaming I got in involved Xenoblade Chronicles and Guardian Heroes… How on earth was your cardboard cutout playing Skyrim at your desk earlier? I am so confused…
B. Indifferent: I have just the thing for confusion, Donald. Wear this crystal!
D. Conrad: I’d rather not. Is that tin foil on your head?
B. Indifferent: You’ve heard about satellite mind control rays, right? Well, I’m not saying that they’re real — that would be crazy! If you don’t feign ignorance of their effects, the squid people will silence you for good — but I’m not saying that they’re not real, either.
D. Conrad: Okay, thanks for the tip. This is also a good time for me to introduce a new office policy: from now on nobody trusts Bitterly with sharp objects.
M. Rambler: Oh, don’t worry. That was the real me guys. I started a new file in Skyrim. I’m going to be a sissy magician… for reals this time. I just added it to my bucket list after crossing off deucing in Donald’s bathroom:
Start a new file in Skyrim as a sissy magician – CHECK
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler: ….
M. Rambler: You watch your tongue, buddy, or I’m going to add punch the skull off my cardboard cutout to the list.
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler: ….
M. Rambler: That’s what I thought. Wuss. Now, Bitterly, if you could possibly help me check off another item:
Retrieve sharp object you gave Bitterly the other day
B. Indifferent: Okay, but only if you put this hat on.
M. Rambler: Deal! Hey, GlowPuff… you look a little frazzled… how’s the week treating you?
GlowPuff: WOW. Talk about a rocky start! I am of course speaking of the Diablo 3 launch at 3AM Eastern time on May 15. I played Battlefield 3 all night waiting for 3AM to roll around. That actually turned out to be an ill omen, because I kept getting booted out of that game because of server disconnects. I jokingly told my friend about it, and mentioned how it doesn’t bode well for the D3 launch later that night. Well, my joke turned to truth, because the launch was very rocky. We were hanging out in Ventrilo, yakking it up, trying to get into Diablo 3 right at 3AM. As expected, between us and the rest of the world, it was like a million lemmings all trying to launch themselves off the cliff at once. Through a 4 inch funnel. Some made it, most did not. We tried vigorously for over an hour to login. The Blizzard forums were on fire with angry people that have been waiting for ~12 years for the newest installment of the Diablo franchise. Long story short, we eventually made it in. Blizzard either opened up more servers or channeled dark magic from the world of Sanctuary, because we all got in. There is no use trying to do a mini-review of this game in my limited space here, so I will just sum it up with: EPICALLY EPIC. I’ve gone through the game on Normal mode so far, so I’ve seen all the Acts and all the bosses. There is a veritable ton of achievements to attempt, and dozens of Events to discover. In short, I will be playing this one for a very, very long time. How am I ever going to get started on my next game project now?
In other news, my newest game Wizard’s Tower, passed certification. It will be available here for free: Marketplace link.
M. Rambler: Sweet! Another entry for my bucket list:
Buy Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler a Windows Phone so I can borrow it and play all of GlowPuff’s games
So, umm, Donald, can you cut Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler his check for last week’s appearance? I’m running a little tight on funds right now.
D.Conrad: ….
M. Rambler: Oh, look at you, Mr. Moneybags… I see you bought your own cardboard cutout, huh? Well, two can play at that game.
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler’s Cardboard Cutout: ….
M. Rambler: I stand corrected. I guess three can play at that game… and speaking of games. Brad, what have you been up to?
Brad: I really got into Minecraft this week. I got killed by a creeper, a spider, a zombie, a creeper, lava, falling into a deep hole, having a bunch of rocks fall on me, a creeper, walking off a cliff, lighting myself on fire, and a creeper. I think I might have built a house at one point, too, but then it got blown up by a creeper.
M. Rambler: I have never played Minecraft, but after your description, I can safely say: that game scares the pants off me. Which is why I also bought my latest cardboard cutout… go ahead and say hi… don’t be shy new cardboard cutout. We won’t bite.
Pantless M. Rambler Cardboard Cutout: ….
M. Rambler: Okay, I agree, a guy who doesn’t wear pants really shouldn’t be considered shy… you’re just so quiet.
Pantless M. Rambler Cardboard Cutout: ….
M. Rambler: Well, I fail to see how your silence somehow offsets the fact that I never shut my stupid yap, and I don’t really give a crap about the cosmic balance of the universe. Hey Pantsless M. Rambler Cardboard Cutout, is that an itch on your head there? Well, why don’t you let me scratch it with my punching fist.
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler’s Cardboard Cutout: ….
M. Rambler: Fine. You’re right. We should get on with the news already. Thank you, Zen Master.
If a Kickstarter game falls in the woods, thousands of Kickstarters will definitely hear it
D.Conrad: I found myself nodding as I read this, mostly because that makes it sound like I understand things. It is going to be a harsh lesson if the game you put your money behind sucks like a Hoover. I guess this is an interesting experiment in investing. I hope my backing of Fight Club 2 for the Playstation 2 pans out.
GlowPuff: I found myself nodding as I read this, as well. Nodding OFF, that is. Snore. Kidding aside, I hope this kind of funding doesn’t lead to massive self-entitlement of the people that donate money into these game projects. Has anyone thought of that side effect? It’s bad enough that people download and play my games for free, and still demand changes in their reviews. Just imagine the entitlement people are going to feel when they actually put money into a game project.
M. Rambler: Well, none of this Kickstarter stuff really matters to me… I’m completely out of funding money right now… unless one of you wants to buy this pantsless cardboard cutout of mine. I bought it to scare the neighbors, but maybe one of you could find more appropriate uses…
Brad: It’s just like investing, except if the game’s a huge success, you don’t get any of the profits, you just get a copy of a game you would have bought anyway. And if the game sucks, not only are you out the money, you’re partly responsible for the suffering it causes.
B. Indifferent: I think I get what you’re saying. It’s just like the plight of the slaves that the Silurians tricked into building the great pyramids of Egypt.
Brad: Close. Think of it this way – imagine a more perfect world where Revolution X can’t find a publisher so it’s never going to get made. But you really love Aerosmith (I didn’t say this was a completely perfect world), so you and a bunch of other fans fund it on Kickstarter and the game gets made after all. Now music is the weapon, and you’ve just unleashed it on humanity. Good luck putting that genie back in the bottle.
Steven Tyler: Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
Death Star: WRONG. Only I destroy worlds. Noob.
Brad: One thing I never get about these post-apocalyptic scenarios is the part where everything is scarce and the few remaining survivors fight over what’s left. Where did all the stuff go if hardly anyone is around to use it anymore? Do you have any idea how long it would take you to eat all the food in a large grocery store all by yourself? Or use up all the bullets? It just seems like the remaining survivors would be working together to clear the roads and loot the Ferrari dealership so they could have an awesome race rather than killing each other over a few scraps.
D.Conrad: Well thanks for ruining the apocalypse for me Brad! I avoided trailer, but then Cort sent me the link. JOY! Rambler we need to get on our “Politely Occupy Naughty Dog” movement.
M. Rambler: Cardboard cutout army… LET’S ROLL!!! Seriously, Donald… are you serious you can’t float me any money right now? I think if we had a few more peaceful activists then we might be able to get this game to come out even sooner.
GlowPuff: In IGN’s video summary, I thought that nerd on the right was going to knock himself out trying to reenact the preview of the game he got to see. Then it looked like he was going to kill his partner on the left when he got up to reenact the neck break move. I just wanted to strap that DBag down into the chair and give him a big Chill Pill.
M. Rambler: Sure, but you watched The Truck Ambush preview, right? I mean… that excitement is completely warranted.
Pantless M. Rambler Cardboard Cutout: ….
M. Rambler: Clean up in aisle two please… Pantsless M. Rambler Cardboard Cutout just crapped his underpants with excitement.
D.Conrad: What? A game developer is making games for next-gen systems? In other news EA plans on making next-gen games also!
Brad: So this is THQ announcing… what, exactly? That they’re not going to just curl up into a ball and sob quietly on the floor? That they’re going to stick with this game publishing thing instead of opening up a chain of used car dealerships? “THQ to media: We’re not out of business yet.” Oh, and also, if they’re even considering a sequel to Homefront, maybe they should just go out of business. Because that game went from high profile to the bargain bin so fast it left tire marks across the floor of my local Gamestop.
D.Conrad: Woah! I have a twenty dollar bill I hate, I should go get Homefront.
GlowPuff: You know what other game in recent memory raced to the bargain bin that fast? Id Software’s Rage. It literally “raged” into the bargain bin. It’s $10 on Amazon for the PC version. Back to this article, we’re reading more and more empty articles like this about studios announcing “next gen game development”. I guess it was interesting in the beginning, because it provided evidence that new gaming hardware is finally on the horizon, putting all the rumors last year into the Truth Shelf. But now, it’s just meh. Who cares. We know work is going into next gen games now. Unless there are specific title announcements, I don’t care IF some unnamed game is being worked on. That much is no longer a secret.
M. Rambler: Dude, did you not read the last sentence of the article? You want specific title announcements… “Some possible titles include: Homefront 2, a new Saints Row, inSANE, and the project from Patrice Desilets.”
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler’s Cardboard Cutout: ….
M. Rambler: Clean up in aisle three please… Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler’s Cardboard Cutout just crapped his realpants with excitement.
Also, what’s a next-gen console without a Patrice Deilets game… am I right?
M. Rambler’s Cardboard Cutout: ….
M. Rambler: You’re right, I don’t think girls should be allowed to make video games… or use computers. In fact, I’m hungry. Hey imaginary girlfriend, go make me some cheese sticks!!
M. Rambler’s Imaginary Girlfriend: ….
M. Rambler: Okay, okay… you know I was just kidding, baby.
GlowPuff: And now we know why Rambler is always showing up at the office with two black eyes!
Millions of gamers mourn as Square Enix looks to move on with Final Fantasy
Brad: At first I was a little disappointed, but the more I thought about it, what could they possibly improve with a remake? Better graphics? Maybe, but that game does so much with its visual presentation (use of colors, art style, perspective, etc.) that I think an update to the graphics, unless done very carefully, would undermine it. Yeah, it might look sharper, but a lot of the subtle things that contributed to the mood would be lost. The only real improvement I could see would be if they replaced the “pick fight off a menu” drudgery with some actual, you know, gameplay, but that isn’t going to happen.
D.Conrad: When someone brings up a Final Fantasy 7 remake I want to grab the back of my head and smash my face into a wall. People, it was a moment in gaming history. You can never have it back. Everything aligned and it was magical. If you want to remake a Final Fantasy how about 10? Make it less Blitz Ball-y. Also, make it not suck.
GlowPuff: Speaking of remakes, I just saw that the old Beauty and the Beast TV series has been remade and is set to premiere soon! <crickets> I’m taking bets starting now that this fails miserably. The money pot will be in my office if you’re interested in making a wager for or against.
M. Rambler: GlowPuff, thank you for doing that. It definitely takes a little of the stink off of me for watching The Bachelorette. Okay, not really, but doode… my buddy is on the show… I gotta watch, what’s your excuse?
Brad: Every time I suggest that pretty much every JRPG would be infinitely better if it implemented a Marvel Ultimate Alliance combat scheme people begin looking at me like I just started reliving myself on the Statue of Liberty… yeah, that look all of you are giving me right now.
D.Conrad: There was so much wrong with what you just said. Marvel Ultimate Alliance? Really?
Brad: Well, just the combat/dungeon exploration parts. I’m certainly not suggesting Final Fantasy 7 would be better with Iron Man in it… although now that I’ve said that, yes, it totally would… why is everyone throwing garbage at me?
GlowPuff: Any type of visual media would be better off with Iron Man in it.
Pantless M. Rambler Cardboard Cutout: ….
M. Rambler: Don’t worry Pantsless M. Rambler Cardboard Cutout. I don’t think GlowPuff actually meant he wants to see Iron Man in you. That would be weird.
EA just can’t help itself as Battlefield 3 steals another Call of Duty feature
D.Conrad: Great! Another useless service that I won’t be signing up for. Let’s just hope that they buy endless ad space on XBox live to advertise it.
Brad: When I took this job, nobody told me that feigning interest in Battlefield or CoD was a requirement. I recuse myself from discussing this story, good sirs. You hear me? Recuuuuuuuuuuuse!!!
B. Indifferent: Fine, but it’s a great training simulator for coping with the eventual rise of the sewer people.
M. Rambler: Well, here’s hoping the revolution starts in Donald’s private bathroom…
D.Conrad: So you want the sewer people’s first conquest to be the DNF offices?
M. Rambler: That’s what you get for hoarding facilities all to yourself, buddy. Besides, I think GlowPuff and I have logged enough training hours to quell the tide like a BOSS.
GlowPuff: I enjoy Battlefield 3 enough to get some map pack DLC, but I will NOT partake in this “Elite” service clone! SIR NO SIR!
M. Rambler: Well, I think you should get it. Bitterly just told me that it will make you even more prepared for the uprising. Well, he didn’t actually say it. I’m pretty sure my tinfoil hat picked up his thought transmission.
Brad: Sounds like Rhode Island was kind of doing their own larger scale version of Kickstarter. Maybe somebody should have asked “What if the new Kingdoms of Amalur game comes out, and it’s just kind of crappy?”
B. Indifferent: I guess the answer is “everyone loses a crapload of money, except for Curt Schilling, who was smart enough to pay back his initial investment with government cash before his company went belly up.”
D.Conrad: So, Kingdoms of Amalur.. I played the demo and was then told that the game is better than what they showed in the demo. My need to play sixty dollar roulette rapidly vanished when I had kids. I do feel bad for the tax payers of Rhode Island, from what I understand, they are on the hook for this loan.
GlowPuff: On the hook, indeed. I’ve been following this story. Very unfortunate for everyone involved. The cause was noble enough, bringing new jobs to the state and all.
M. Rambler: Yeah, this sucks… I’m guessing this will put an end to all the other governmentally sponsored RPG’s currently in development.
Breaking news on the settlement between Activision and former Infinity Ward developers!!
Brad: I just love the opening sentence “The legal battle between Activision and former employees Jason West and Vince Zampella has grabbed the headlines.” Yep, it sure has! Why just the other day at work the ladies in the office were all talking about it and taking sides. And then one of my friends called me up and wanted to talk about it after seeing it on the front page of the New York Times. And after that… oh, wait, none of that happened because nobody freaking cares about legal battles between a game publisher and two developers. And do you know why nobody cares about that stuff? Because it’s boring as hell and I could be playing a game with Nazi Zombies in it instead.
N.Y.Times: This just in! Brad, of Brad Hates Games fame, claims he doesn’t care for news stories featuring rich people getting richer. Is he a commie? More in the evening edition!
N.Y.Times, Evening Edition: CONFIRMED! Brad, of Brad Hates Games, due to recent comments concerning the world-reaching legal battle between Activision and former employees, has been confirmed to be a Commie! This story is sure to grab the headlines by the neck and strangle them!
NY Times Readers: Wait, why do I care about this Brad guy? I could be killing Nazi Zombies.
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler: ….
D.Conrad: Exactly! Sometimes I think you care too much Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler.
BioShock delay status changed from Infinite to 2013
Brad: Here’s hoping they just need a few extra months in order to figure out how to put Andrew Ryan back into the series and finish up on that apology letter that should have been included in Bioshock 2.
D.Conrad: I WILL NOT PLAY THIS GAME! I still feel so dirty after my conversation with Andrew Ryan. It was like all the horror of System Shock 2 wrapped up into one two minute conversation!
Brad: I was also going to complain about the game not being set in Rapture, but Air Man’s stage… err, I mean “Columbia” looks like it will be pretty fun, so I guess that’s ok.
GlowPuff: Disappointed, yes. But not unhappy about it, and not complaining about it. I welcome an even better game than originally envisioned.
B. Indifferent: Right, they’re going to take the extra time to make a “better” game. Also, Duke Nukem Forever called and wants to know how many of us are interested in pre-ordering a collector’s edition release.
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler: ….
M. Rambler: Bingo.
New Capcom fighter on the way: Capcom On Disc DLC vs. Capcom Super Re-titled Retail Re-release
D.Conrad: So, if I wait for the special edition of Dragon’s Dogma will it have all the on-disc DLC unlocked? Do they just take the same disc, throw it in a new case, and pack in a DLC unlock code?
Brad: What next? Is Capcom going to stop adding 3 or 4 characters to their fighting games and then rereleasing it as a whole new game, too? Because I was really looking forward to Street Fighter 4 EX + Alpha Gold.
GlowPuff: Last I read they were up to Street Fighter 4 EX + Alpha Gold + Shogun Premium Edition. There will also be a Collector’s Edition on top of that, so add “Collector’s Edition” after this mess of a name for that specific version. And it will all be on the same disc as the normal version of the game. One code to rule (unlock) them all, my precious.
B. Indifferent The maddening thing is that Capcom knows they can gouge a few extra dollars out of us by adding just a few more playable characters, and yet they refuse to bring Namco vs. Capcom to the U.S. Think how many times they could charge for additional character DLC? You’re sitting on a gold mine, Capcom.
You can now save 20$ on a game you didn’t want!
D.Conrad: Prototype 2 is losing ten dollars a week in retail value? If I wait four more weeks will Gamestop give me ten dollars when I go pick it up?
GlowPuff: After Gamestop takes their cut, your “profit” is brought back down to $0, unfortunately.
Brad: Hey there, Prototype 2, meet your new neighbors, Homefront and a giant stack of used copies of Super Mario Bros. / Duck Hunt for the NES. You’re going to love it here in this bin. You’ll be right next to the entrance to the store in the vain hope that someone might steal you. Or buy you. Ha ha, but seriously, maybe you could come in a slimmer, easier to conceal box or something? Oh well, if nobody shoplifts you, we can see about eventually moving you next to the checkout lines at a Big Lots. Maybe get you onto that disorganized shelf with the assorted Wii games and those weird looking AAA batteries that were manufactured in Turkmenistan.
M. Rambler: Well, check out this story’s wildly impressive endorsement of Prototype 2 **story link redacted**
D.Conrad: NO!
M. Rambler: But it’s really funny!
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler: ….
M. Rambler: WELL, IF EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE AGAINST ME, THEN FINE!
M. Rambler: Okay, it’s time to wrap this puppy up and move on with the rest of our lives. Closing thoughts anyone?
Brad: Cracked just ran a brilliant article on the “joys” of playing Diablo 3 (warning: lots and lots of strong language), and Slate came up with a new, more accurate trailer. This is the future of gaming, folks, both on PC and consoles. Let me just say the Sega Genesis looks better and better every year.
GlowPuff: I think Battlefield 3 is the same way. I don’t play the single player part of that game, but once when the whole server system went down, I noticed I couldn’t even get into the single player portion of the menus through the game’s website interface. In other words, even though BF3 has a real single player mode, it’s STILL tied to the availability of their online system. I call BS on D3 and BF3 in this respect. It’s the only complaint I have about D3, but admittedly, it is a big one.
B. Indifferent: I’ve almost finished my survival bunker. The tough part was getting my anti-mind-control hood to fit right. After that’s done, you guys are going to have to clear out some space in the refrigerator for my jars of urine.
M. Rambler: Donald, I say we just cave and buy Bitterly a separate urine fridge. It’s a win/win situation if you ask me.
D.Conrad: I was talking with someone this week about gaming. His entire vocabulary consisted of the words “Diablo” and “3“. I get it, I wish I was at a point in my life where sitting at the computer for 25 hours a day was an option. So, much like StarCaft 2, I am going to avoid even picking up the box in a store or looking at the official website. If it comes to Playstation or Xbox I will consider it. I may lose my battle with not buying Minecraft360 this week. I hear the blocks calling. Last, Xenoblade Chronicles… If it is heading in the direction I think it is then my review is going to melt your face off!
Minecraft Steve: Hello Donald. Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Donald. Forever… and ever… and ever.
D.Conrad: Wait, did anyone else just hear voices?
Cardboard Cutout M. Rambler: ….
M. Rambler: Me neither, didn’t hear a peep. So, Donald, if you’re going crazy or something… how ’bout that key to your private bathroom buddy??? Don’t think you’ll be needing that anymore once you’re locked up in the loony bin. Here, try this hat Bitterly gave me on for size.
That about does it for this week. Does anyone know a good locksmith?
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