Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
M. Rambler: Hey everybody, welcome back to another Finishing the Week. It was definitely not a slow news week. RIP MCA. You will be missed.
Aside from that sadness, I bought a phooton… you know, one of those beds that transforms into a couch. It’s apparently very different from a futon, which the sales rep told me was one of those couches that transforms into a bed. Both models seemed strikingly similar, but the guy assured me all the extra money I’d be spending on the phooton would be well worth it… as long as I also bought a year’s supply of mattress cover sealant and the matching set of the UltraLux De-ionized AllergenShield throw pillows. To which I replied, “Fine sir, you’ve got yourself a deal!” It’s been sitting in the basement in a million pieces ever since.
So, Donald, I understand we’ve reached an important milestone here at DNF… fill me in man!
D.Conrad: Happy Birthday Did-Not-Finish! That is right, one year old. I took a slight break from Xenoblade Chronicles to Walk with the Dead. Holy CRAP! That game is, as GlowPuff would say, a fun kick to the coin purse. I finished it, I will have a review soon. I tried out FEZ. I couldn’t manage to stop playing FEZ. My Wii started to weep, it thought I was in love with it. Soon FEZ caused my brain to hurt so I returned to Xenoblade Chronicles. I also saw something about Skyrim DLC. I heard the DVD in my drawer laugh then in a low voice it said “Soon”.
M. Rambler: Yep, you finally fell for the old “walkie talkie in the drawer” bit! I gave that low sinister laugh, whispered “soon” and you should have seen your reaction!! Bitterly has the recording if you want to watch it. But it starts to get a little creepy at around 45 seconds. In fact, I’m going to go grab some Q-tips and hope I can scrape the memories out from the earholes to my brain right now.
Oh yeah, and The Walking Dead game is crazy. Who’d have thunk it would be harder to keep track of your lies in a video game than it is in real life? And FEZ… GlowPuff, do you know what the what Donald is talking about?
GlowPuff: FEZ? Isn’t that some kind of weird hat? Happy Birthday DNF! And congratulations to Donald again, for reaching LEVEL 6!! I’m still on the tutorial levels, myself. But I did kill a unicorn this week, and that’s gotta count for something. Amirite?
So I was opening my new bottle of lubricant today (no, not that kind, gee whiz), and realized, too late, that the bottle had broken in the mail. So I had stinky lubricant all over my hands. I got it to lube the moving parts on my choppers. I unwittingly ended up lubing myself instead. Now that will have to wait until the shop replaces my busted bottle.
M. Rambler: So, what you’re saying is <ban hammer>
D.Conrad: I apologize, but as Editor in Chief of a fairly clean website, I could not let Rambler’s innuendo laden tirade above make it to the airwaves. GlowPuff, please continue.
GlowPuff: I reached a huge milestone on the new game I’ve been working on. It’s feature complete, with all the coding done. Now I’m busy designing the 50 levels I want to initially publish the game with. I made a video of all the tutorial missions, so here is the worldwide premiere of that. Remember, you saw it here first, a DNF exclusive.
M. Rambler: Hot diggety, I love exclusives! Speaking of which, Brad, do you have any big news to break this week?
Brad: As the resident “jock” in this discussion, I forsaked (forsook? forsoke?) video games this week to watch some NHL playoffs. I’ve determined that if either New Jersey or Philly must move on to the next round, they really ought to just decide it by coin flip and spare us from having to watch them play each other.
M. Rambler: Or maybe they could just simulate this round in NHL 12 like Madden always does with the Superbowl. Just play the whole thing out in some dark secluded room, spare us all the pain, and declare a winner so we can all move on with our lives!
Speaking of which, News, do you have any big gaming news to break this week?
News: Why, yes. Yes I do.
D.Conrad: Didn’t we talk about Sony Smash Bros. last week? This is God of Smash Bros? I am not really interested in multiplayer God of War. Unless it’s a cart racer! Then sign me up!
M. Rambler: Wait, did you possibly just stumble upon the next great video game genre? Famous game mascots driving carts in a Smash Bros-style brawler… soweeet!!
Brad: I’m only interested if they eventually make up their differences with a spirited game of tennis.
GlowPuff: I’m not sure what was more entertaining – the video footage of the game or watching those two tools from IGN embarrass themselves with their lack of commentary. “Interesting“? “Pretty cool“? And then there’s this line: “…and take down a uh.. I don’t know the name of it, giant cyclops of some kind…“ Yes, if it has ONE EYE, IT IS A CYCLOPS!!! Geebus. Watching that video was like watching the mindless banter between Captain Obvious and Private KnowItAll. But the game did look pretty cool and interesting.
M. Rambler: Yeah, the interesting thing was it looked pretty cool in an interesting kind of way, which is pretty cool.
D.Conrad: Aww, well, so long and thanks for all the fish. Mr.Lemarchand you are a scholar and a gentleman.
Brad: So that’s a “no” then on Jak X: Combat Racing 2? Because a sequel just wouldn’t work without him.
M. Rambler: It might if they turned it into Sony All Kart Smash Bros. Tennis Royale Stars…
GlowPuff: It seemed like a natural transition point? You mean the money was greener over at USC!
M. Rambler: If that trailer proves anything, it’s this: old people are crazy…
Brad: That’s a ridiculous premise for the next Call of Duty game. Everyone knows that in the future, we’ll be getting our rare earth elements from James Cameron’s asteroid mines, not China.
D.Conrad: Can we all just agree that Avatar is the worst movie ever? Everyone knows that Smurf’s are short, not really tall.
M. Rambler: No, that movie wasn’t about the Smurfs you manchild. It was a documentary about the exploits of the Blue Man Group.
GlowPuff: Surely, you meant best movie ever. Amirite? I mean, it’s certainly no Taintlight. Amirite?
M. Rambler: True dat, taint’right to compare Avatar to Taintlight.
D.Conrad: What? That is such a shock! The feature that everyone wants in a Treyarch Call of Duty game is going to be included? I am so surprised!
GlowPuff: Meh. Why don’t they just create a new franchise with a zombie theme? Seems like every other game that comes out gets a zombie themed DLC pack. I blew milk out of my nose when I read the next CoD is going to have a “strong narrative”. The narrative is going to be as strong as one found in a pre-schooler’s coloring book.
M. Rambler: All I know is the narrative is going to rock… I heard they hired the writers of Taintlight to come in and punch up the script!
Brad: Eh, I guess I understand the emphasis on narrative as well as the return of zombie modes – they had to include one feature no one cared about to balance out the one that everyone wanted.
D.Conrad: The only problem I see here is… THAT MATH!
Brad: Why wait? I’m pretty sure you can get a similar arrangement to buy an Xbox 360 from those loan sharks, err, legitimate businessmen at Rent-A-Center.
GlowPuff: This “deal” has a bigger catch to it than The Deadliest Catch television program. I’d rather set my wallet on fire. I’d be losing about the same amount of money. And at least watching fire burn is fun. Losing money to a raw deal is not as fun. The sad thing is, impulse buyers will purchase this before realizing (or not at all!) they are losing out in the long run. I’d rather puncture a hole in my car’s gas tank and leak money that way. At least then you can light the gas trail and watch a big fire at the other end. Much more fun.
M. Rambler: So, can someone please tell me if the math here is the same math they use in those late night infomercials? I really need to know ASAP if I should keep going with the “three easy payments” program… or just up and buy all those products outright.
D.Conrad: This was one of the best games I ever played. It really made me think of first person games in a new way. The boss battles in Human Revolution made me shake my fist at my computer screen and yell “WHYYYYYYYYY?”
GlowPuff: Agreed, the boss battles in Human Revolution were horrible. Were you aware the boss battles were outsourced to another company to handle? But the game as a whole was epically epic, on an epic scale. On a scale of 1 to Epic, with 1 being Taintlight, Human Revolution scores an Epic in my book.
Brad: I was never a big fan of the first Deus Ex. Something about the game just felt… off. Maybe it lost something in the conversion from PC to console. All I know is I tried setting up my character a number of different ways, from “sneak more” to “fight better” but not one of them ever resulted in “suck less”.
M. Rambler: So does that mean you give it an Avatar on GlowPuff’s Epic Scale of Epicness?
M. Rambler: Portal 2 was awesome, no doubt… but it could have used a little more jungle for my tastes… jungle make everything better… take our story headers for example!
D.Conrad: If I were wearing some pants right now I would need to go change them. I just made an excitement puddle under my chair.
GlowPuff: Dangit Donald! You told me that was Mello Yello soda when you told me to clean it up!!
D.Conrad: No. No it was not Mellow Yellow, but I only asked you to clean it up… slurping it off the floor with a straw was your call, dude.
Brad: Wait, is this whole article just a preview of a magazine that itself is full of game previews? It’s like Inception, except this ends with me wanting to get a new hobby.
D.Conrad: The point is not that it’s a preview of a magazine that previews a magazine. The point is that an Elder Scroll game is going to cause many virgins to remain virgins. Virgins that attempt to create shouts that attract mates.
M. Rambler: OWHN KOOR VETTE!!! Wait, where all the babes at??? All my research indicates that totally should have worked. Back to the ol’ drawing board!
GlowPuff: Shouting to attract mates? Last time I tried that, she left me. Then everyone started asking why she had TWO black eyes. So I gave them a level stare and answered them: she didn’t shut up the FIRST time she was told. I love that joke. I’ve used it twice now in a FTW. Twice… and counting. Forward all hate mail to Donald’s inbox. kthx
Brad: So, wait Glowpuff, why is it that you have two black eyes? Because you made that joke two times?
D.Conrad: After reading this story, all I can say is that I still don’t care about Rock Band or iOS.
M. Rambler: And after reading this story, all I can say is… who the heck discovered the original “no longer playable” message in the first place… people still play Rock Band?!?
GlowPuff: “On May 31, Rock Band will no longer be playable on your device. Thanks for rocking out with us!” LuLz That’s like Honda writing me a letter and saying, “On May 31, the car you purchased will no longer GO. Thanks for driving with us!” Hilarious. On the day everyone fired up their game and saw that message, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I knew something terrible had happened.
Brad: This is a poor substitute anyway for the real thing anyway. Everyone knows the only true way to experience playing music is to play it on a game controller shaped like a small plastic guitar, not on your phone.
GlowPuff: This DLC is not for me. I can’t even seem to find time to get through the retail game itself, let alone an expansion to it.
Brad: Am I the only one who is usually disappointed with DLC in general? I played through Shivering Isles, and all of the Fallout 3 DLC, and didn’t enjoy any of them nearly as much as the original game. Those were generally well received, so I have to think I’m in the minority, but it felt like “here’s more Fallout for you! Now you can see what the game would be like if we took out the fun.”
D.Conrad: Four seconds to Rambler Rage. Everyone, back up from the table. Rambler, GO!
M. Rambler: Wait… NOOOO!!! Guys… run… the transformation is happenning… can’t.. hold… back… must… ARRrGGgggrrrrhhhh!!!!
M. Rager: PS3 NO GOOD!!! RAGER SMASH SKYRIM!! NO MORE SLOWWARDS DRAGONS FLY BACKWAYS!!!! ME SMASH NO DLC FOR MONTH!!! BETHESDA MEAN!!! RAGER SMASH BETHESDA!!!!
D.Conrad: Shhh… guys, I think he’s got it out of his system. He just passed out at what’s left of the conference room table. I think we can go back in there now.
M. Rambler: Whoa, what happened in here? Donald, did you forget to pay the cleaning service again? Awww man… what the crap is this… who the heck broke my Skyrim game disc? This sucks dude… the DLC is right around the corner. Now I’ll have to go buy a new copy. But not the PS3 version. That version was crap. Now I’ll be able to get the DLC day one and also have Kinect support! Score!!!
GlowPuff: And……CUT. That’s a wrap!
Brad: Well, I guess it’s time to go back to trying to come up with the Top 8 Mega Man bosses on my website. Feel free to make your predictions gentlemen, but I’ll warn you, don’t pick Top Man – he got eliminated in the first round.
D.Conrad: I put all my money on the mega man copy boss. That guy was crazy! Well, my wife took me to the Avengers last night, so my mind is blown. Seriously, that is the best comic movie ever. My goal this week is to finish Xenoblade Chronicles. I have a feeling I am at the end. But being a JRPG I could be wrong, there may be another fifty hours of people delivering inner monologues left. Well, I am off to wait for the Walking Dead episode 2.
M. Rambler’s Inner Monolog: I’m pretty sure Donald broke my copy of Skyrim. I’m going to keep my eye on that guy. I don’t know when or how he did it… but I’m going to find out and make him pay.
M. Rambler: Yeah, I can’t wait to watch the Avengers!
M. Rambler’s Inner Monolog: And don’t leave your copy of Xenoblade Chronicles lying around, Mr. Conrad… or it’s a one way trip to Breaktown.
M. Rambler: Oh yeah, Donald, and thanks for turning me on to the Walking Dead game. It’s pretty sweet, especially when you smash zombie heads open like they are rotten tomatoes with your hammer.
M. Rambler’s Inner Monolog: Much like I’m going to do to your Wii…
M. Rambler: Well, that’s that. Happy birthday DNF. You rock!! We’ll see you all next week.
M. Rambler’s Inner Monolog: And by “all” I mean: all of us except for Donald’s precious Wii and his copy of Xenoblade Chronicles!
M. Rambler: Bwwwahhahhhaaaaa!!!
D.Conrad: What’s with the evil laugh, Rambler?
M. Rambler: Oh, that… yeah, I didn’t mean for you to hear that. Well, I’ve got to go now. Thanks for tuning in, and see y’all later!