Do Not Watch – Taintlight

not even worth bold topic breaks
When I told you to not watch The Last Airbender I noted that it caused me near physical pain. Looking back, in comparison to Taintlight, the pain was nothing.  I sat through all One Hour and 5 Minutes of this wad of mucus formed in the gut of the lowliest creature to ever crawl the earth (Snookie). Seriously? What was I watching? I think it was supposed to be a parody of Twilight. As far I could tell it is a parody of a parody of a parody or a parody of parody of Twilight. If you don’t know the story of Twilight count yourself lucky. Also, producers of Twilight count yourselves lucky that I saw your steaming pile before I started reviewing bad movies. Because, IT’S HORRIBLE! How horrible? It’s only slightly better than this “project”. This project is only slightly worse than a Space Ninja Turtle kicking you in the junk.

First let’s address the movie’s title. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “taint” as “to contaminate morally”. Okay Mr.Smarty-pants collection of words, how about light? “Something that makes vision possible”. Huh. So the literal translation of Taintlight is “To contaminate morally something that makes vision possible”? How on Sol do you morally contaminate the Sun? Read it Stephanie Meyer books? If I was the sun and someone did that to me? I would just implode and take the Milky way with me. Before you write me and say “Don’t you know they are trying to make a dirty joke with the name?”

YES, YES I DO! I know this because the movie’s entire plot was written by a group of people who have yet to leave the fart joke stage of life. Are farts funny? Yes. Is an hour and a half of non-stop fart jokes funny? NO! Plus who ever penned this diamond are just a bunch of bigots. Seriously? I know you were taking pot shots at Twilight fans but you had to call Fang-less vampires that? I am surprised you could pass a drivers exam, you have no right to pass judgement on anyone. I have the right to pass judgement on you because you have proven yourselves to be a bunch of classless knuckle draggers.

Thinking about this movie makes me violently ill! Did you think replacing the sparkling vampires with that was a great idea? DID YOU? Because if you did I must move you down one more notch on the evolutionary chart. Welcome to the primordial soup! Chances are your genetic material will be expelled from the rest of us before we decide to swim. Or, so I hope!

While I am on the topic of why you suck, incest is only funny to people who are the product of said act. You seemed to find it really funny. So, I am judging you based off the criteria. Seriously? Did you guys read this script? Did none of you (writers or actors) notice that it was garbage?

Thanks for twenty minutes of horribly filmed Frisbee golf at the end because that is what you needed to save this from it’s inverted tailspin. I had no clue what was going on at this point. I am not even going to bother with the Werewolf because really? You had not sunk low enough? You just had to see how much further you could go?

Surprisingly I found some nuance in this “word for what ever this is here”. The first scene features a guy attempting to poop on a tree in the woods. The film is expertly trying to show you that you are the tree, and guess what is about to happen to you? Shame on you Lumiere brothers. Why did you work so tirelessly to create what we now know as cinema? If you had not, we would have been spared this. Shame. Shame on you!

Do not watch Taintlight.

GlowPuff’s Additional Commentary

Donald is more of a man than I am, because I did not have the stomach to finish the “movie”.  I use that term very lightly, only so far that Taintlight is a motion picture recorded with a camera.  Any similarities to modern cinema as we know it ends there.  This “movie” is nothing more than a long string of never-ending, foul-mouthed attempts at humor and parody.  It fails miserably on both fronts.

I won’t make fun of the (lack of) production values or the (lack of) acting abilities.  It would have been entertaining to poke fun at those things in an actual low budget, “B Movie”.  However, Taintlight is not a B Movie.  It is an F Movie.  F for Fail.  There are a few movies in this world that, after viewing them, one wonders how on Zeus’s beard they were green-lit, funded, and produced in the first place.  Taintlight makes those movies actually seem reasonable and watchable.  Case in point – after viewing Taintlight, a movie like Barberella doesn’t seem so bad, after all.

“Bad” doesn’t begin to describe Taintlight.  “Rotten” isn’t powerful enough to convey the physical stench that seethed from my XBox while viewing it.  “Horrible” doesn’t begin to communicate the feeling I had after shutting the thing off.  Indeed, I felt “tainted” by Taintlight.  Perhaps that was the intention of this “movie”.  I don’t know.  I don’t care.

Looking back at what Donald and I have written, it’s become clear that our commentary isn’t actually a review of the “movie”.  It’s a rant.  A rant against this “movie” for the ill feelings it has caused in our guts.  We’re upset for the hurts this “movie” has instilled into our souls.  It’s akin to dining out and getting Salmonella poisoning from improper food preparation by the D-Bag cook back in the kitchen.  We knew going in that we were going to be served “bad food”.  But we didn’t expect to be “poisoned” after consuming the dish.

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd