Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests – to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.
M. Rambler: Welcome, one and all, to a brand new edition of Finishing the Week. I don’t have much to report this week: No more green-beer-induced halucinotroics. No more sentient water. No more pants… so basically, back to normal.
Normal except for Skyrimtervention that I decided to give myself, apparently. I didn’t really know what was going on, so it was a little awkward at first. There I sat, deeply engrossed in an epic session of Skyrim, when all of the sudden I busted in on myself and turned off my PS3. This was not cool. I was 82 hours deep into my current play session with no saves, so when I saw myself turn my game off I was literally beside myself with anger. I wanted to punch myself sooooo bad, but I was so exhausted with the sleep deprivation that I just walked away and passed out on the living room floor. I assume I followed myself in, but I can’t really say for sure with the sleep blackout and all.
Either way, I’m not talking to myself right now. I’m a total d-bag and if I want to play Skyrim for infinity, that’s my business and not my business, so I can go jump off a cliff for all I care! Anywho, Donald, how did your quitting of the Skyrim go, you traitor?
D.Conrad: I want to make this perfectly clear: The three hundred dollars I spent to hire that Rambler look-alike has totally paid off! Watching him freak out via multiple hidden cameras was awesome! Now that he is not talking to himself the rest of us can finally get some work done. That will show you for telling me how that insignificant miscellaneous quest ends.
Yes, I have left Skyrim. I didn’t just quit cold turkey. I did finish the main quest first. I have been told on several (like 4) occasions that the reviews here are fun to read. So I figured, since we don’t ever practice journalistic integrity, I should finish the game before I review it. You know what? I am not going to give you my thoughts on how it was. Review incoming. Other than that, I just three-starred every Angry Birds level in the original game. That game is really boring.
M. Rambler: Okay, well, that explains a lot. I’m sorry, me. I’m going to start talking to you again, and I really need you to listen, this is very important. Look-alike Rambler, please do NOT eat that laxative sandwich sitting in front of you, and put your cup of coffee down. It’s laced with ipecac, but you probably didn’t drink enough for it to do too much damage. Now, if you could just help me with one last thing. Please put the sandwich and coffee in front of Donald… thanks. Bitterly, can you say something right now so I can calm down?
B. Indifferent: Maybe you could lull yourself to sleep by playing some Angry Birds? Donald’s right, it is boring, and I’m happy to learn I’m not the only one who thought so. Not only did I keep falling asleep while playing it, I kept falling asleep after I played it when I was doing things like taking a shower, doing the dishes, and driving to work.
M. Rambler: You should probably see a doctor, because I don’t think that’s normal. Glowpuff, how was your week?
GlowPuff: Normal? There is nothing normal about this week. Reason? I got some serious gaming in, finally! What did I play? The same game that is causing so much disruption, lack of productivity, and infighting in this office lately: Skyrim. Yes, I ventured back into the world of Skyrim and slayed some dragons. I also finished a few quests. I realized the same thing that Donald recently discovered – Miscellaneous quests bog you down. So I focused on busting out a few major quests instead, and it felt great! My major quests are now down to a more manageable 73. I also played a fair amount of Diablo 3 beta. I don’t think we talked about that game finally getting a release date. Or does anyone care? Oh, and to put the icing on the week, I finally made time to view a BluRay I got for Christmas several months ago: Fast Five. I’m a fan of the series, so for me it was a great movie.
Chopper Report: No crashes, just some tinkering and soldering. On one of the birds, the battery connector dislocated from the power lead. I’d like to share this link, because it’s cool: quadrocopters autonomously playing the James Bond theme song.
B. Indifferent: An ad company pairing music with images so that a French publisher can promote the latest game in a series created by a Canadian is is everything that is wrong with America. Obviously.
D.Conrad: There is a sign on my office door. It informs visitors how much shotgun will be used on their face if they tell me anything about Assassin’s Creed III. So, when Bitterly defiantly handed me this I had a pang of guilt – I didn’t really want to shoot him. Luckily for both of us, this was as much about Assassin’s Creed III as Lord of the Rings is about modern agribusiness management techniques. After reading this, my brain tried to rage quit my skull. I want to send the guys who hated the ending of Mass Effect 3 after this “writer”. Her research is AUGHBLURGURGLEAUGHHHHHHHHHHHH
DESMOND… DESMOND IS THE MAIN CHARCTER! AND YES, THE TEMPLARS ARE BAD! THEIR VERSION OF ORDER IS NOT THE SAME AS HOW YOU LINE YOUR JARS OF URINE UP AT THE FOOT OF YOUR BED EVERY NIGHT! YOU ARE A TROLL LADY! A TROLL! Seriously! I watched Human Centipede! Do you know how horrible that was for me? The script is awful!
I could have read the Wiki and wrote a review off that, but I didn’t, I actually watched it all the way through! And I don’t get paid for this Mrs.Woodroof! Since you are published in the Washington Post, I am assuming you were paid for that “article”.
You may want to learn how to actually read Game Informer dot com before citing them. I will give you fifty bucks if you can show me where they wrote that “The assassin, who goes by the name of Connor (aka Ratohnhaké:ton) has already been on a four game rampage spanning nine centuries.” I am sure Altaïr Ibn-La’Ahad and Ezio Auditore da Firenze would be sad pandas to know you have no idea who they are. That is dismissing the fact that it is not Conner who sits in the Animus and plays out his ancestors’ lives, it Desmond Miles! But I am sure in all your top notch research it made sense that Conner somehow lived nine centuries. ALSO, there is no rampaging in Assassin’s Creed! YOU PLAY AN ASSASSIN. They are not known for going on rampages! Have you been doing your research on the non-existent game Pillager’s Creed? Then your article might make sense. But you are right, your name is Martha Woodroof and it’s the NCAA tournament. Congratulations on getting two things right.
M. Rambler: I want to make this perfectly clear: the zero dollars I spent to have Bitterly show this article to Donald totally paid off! That rant wasn’t just Epic with a capital E, it was ANGRY CAPS EPIC!
Oh, and Donald, would you please go back and read Martha’s note at the bottom of her piece? It’s not an article… it’s an essay dude. Get your facts straight!
GlowPuff: U mad bro? First of all, women are not trolls, so quit saying that. Secondly, it was IGN she was quoting, not game informer. Third, if you have fifty bucks to bet, where is that fifty you owe me for that last bag of Cheetos I gave you? A small scrap of (used?) toilet paper with “I OWE U” chicken-scratched across it doesn’t count as an exchange of currency. Altair Ibn-blahblahWUT?? I can’t pronounce that junk you typed. Must be spilled coffee on the keyboard while you typed, or you’re typing with your toes again. It looks like you sneezed, mashed some keys, and neglected to remove the erroneous characters from your post in your attempt to unceremoniously “stick it to the man”. The character’s name is Altair, simple as that, so just leave it be, mmkay? Stop trying to rewrite video game backstory with made-up characters. Fifth – Connor, Desmond, Altair, Ezio… who cares who’s in the driver’s seat? What’s in a name, anyways? And since when does story and continuity matter in a game, anyways? Sixth, rampaging ABOUNDS in Assassin’s Creed. At least the way I play it. You should know that, you who “rampaged” and murdered the entire village of Riverwood in Skyrim.
B. Indifferent: This just won’t do. If they re-release a game, do I still have to wait five years before playing it, or do I need to start counting from the original release date? I may need to go figure this out.
D.Conrad: Finally, GlowPuff you can start making that game based off Rambler’s beard growing abilities using the original PoP source code.
M. Rambler: Well, if either of you think I’m going to give up the source code for my beard growing abilities, you’re crazy. You might as well go ask Rambler Look-alike about his beard growing abilities.
L-A Rambler: Umm, dude, this beard is fake. Donald drew it on me with permanent marker. And it’s purple. Do you actually pay attention to anything that goes on in your world?
M. Rambler: Hey, who let me in this room? And why am I talking so stupid? Make me stop. So, guys, is my beard always this purple?
GlowPuff: Well, right now it’s still rainbow colored from “that week we don’t talk about”. You know, the one with the sentient water and leprechaun beer. I was thinking of using the source code to calculate growth rates for a beard of my own. Complete with its own soundtrack. What say you?
M. Rambler: If you’re talking about soundtrack, I say two letters and one word: ZZ Top.
D.Conrad: I don’t play pinball machines that are not actually pinball machines. That being said, if Insomniac had released this, I would have played a pinball machine game that was not an actual pinball machine. I am convinced that Insomniac could make a machine that kicks you in the junk and everyone would still want to play. They could call it “Ratchet Your Clank”.
M. Rambler: Ratchet Your Clank sounds much more fun than Ro-sham-bo.
B. Indifferent: Wait, I’m going to have to get my Midway tattoo re-applied? After I already shelled out to have it removed via laser surgery? Midway, you’re costing me a fortune.
GlowPuff: The most realistic pinball game is in fact played on a real pinball machine. ‘Nuff said. When I was a kid, one of my uncle’s had a real pinball machine, and I got to play it all the time. Life was good.
D.Conrad: That’s it. These crybabies have gone too far. I no longer care how Mass Effect 3 ends. Here is a bold statement. Mass Effect ended after the suicide mission in Mass Effect 2. I here by ban any review of Mass Effect 3 on Did-Not-Finish.com.
GlowPuff: Great timing guys, my review of Mass Effect 3 is almost finis… what?
M. Rambler: IMass Effect 3… what are you talking about? How can you review nothing?
GlowPuff: Correct, there is no ME3 like there is no Fight Club.
D.Conrad: I did enjoy how Bioware took the D-Bag gesture from cry baby “fans” and turned it into something special for some kids. I still don’t care about Mass Effect 3.
M. Rambler: Dude, I thought we went over this. Mass Effect 3 isn’t real. It doesn’t exist. I kind of wish they would make it. It could be totally awesome. If they do make it, I just hope the various endings rock.
GlowPuff: The only good thing to come of this is the fact that a bunch of kids in a youth facility got what look like very high quality cupcakes. How much you want to bet they kept at least one tray for themselves, though?
D.Conrad: I reliable source that I can’t name told me that the PS4 finish will be comprised of pure adamantium and unicorn blood. It will also play used 3DO games.
GlowPuff: I still have my 3DO. Just sayin’.
M. Rambler: You forgot about the part I where I said the controller was going to be exactly the same, but called the Dual Shock 4. And are you finally ready to overpay for my copy of Crash ‘N Burn yet?
GlowPuff: Liar. The controller will be made of of precious Belgian chocolate.
M. Rambler: Unicorn blood and chocolate… is anyone else hungry right now?
GlowPuff: Wow, this is really interesting, but not surprising. I’m glad someone found out and confirmed it.
D.Conrad: Quick everyone panic! Better yet, go to GameStop and buy all the used hard drives! I have yet to upgrade to a Slim Xbox. Who is the foolish one now?
M. Rambler: AAAaaahhhh!!! Wait, why am I panicking right now? Something about Xboxes and credit cards… AAAaaahhhh!!! Holy crap, no, I’m panicking because I’m sitting across from myself right now. AAAaaahhhh!!! Is there some kind of rip in the time space continuum? Did the me from five minutes in the future send me back in time to tell me something important that will happen to me five minutes from now? Did Donald put another mirror across the table from me again? Guys, I’m totally freaking out here, what’s going on? And I thought my beard was blacker than that. AAAaaahhhh!!! Donald, did you change to fluorescent light bulbs in here without telling me? AAAaaahhhh!!!
GlowPuff: Gotta stop using the doobies. <SMH>
L-A Rambler: Okay, I’m going to leave. Donald, thanks for the $300. Impersonating Rambler was fun and all, but things are starting to get a little too weird now. Oh, and for the record, I know who the foolish one is.
GlowPuff: It’s obvious who the foolish one is. It’s the one wearing the “I Am Foolish” T-shirt. And it’s not me, because my shirt says “I’m Sitting Next To Foolish”. But I’m sitting by myself, so…
M. Rambler: <checks pockets> Wait. I don’t have 300 bucks. What the heck am I talking about? Am I dreamwalking again?
GlowPuff: No, you’re just walking with your eyes closed. <SMH>
D.Conrad: Required company trip to see this movie. Before you ask, no, a doctor’s note written by Ramblers “girlfriend” will not get you out of it.
M. Rambler: But she’s really a doctor… if you don’t believe me, I can have you Photoshop her an official looking degree and I’ll print it out for you. And while you’re at it, could you Photoshop some pictures of me and my doctor girlfriend together so I can post them on Facebook?
GlowPuff: Wow. Now that is a game I NEVER thought would get its own movie. Mind boggling.
New Release List: I just looked at what games came out this week and realized that I’m not so crazy for continuing to play Skyrim non stop.
D.Conrad: Did you guys check out Closure on PSN? Holy CRAP!
M. Rambler: No, I’m too busy checking out Skyrim. Maybe next week, or maybe never, I’m not sure.
GlowPuff: There is a SWEET new game out for Windows Phone. It’s an Easter themed game where you launch Easter eggs at oncoming robots who are trying to steal said Easter eggs. Several weapons, a dozen robot enemy types, boss battles, it has it all. There’s even a jellybean shotgun, for crying out loud! Download now for Windows Phone! And check out the video demo!
D.Conrad: I picked up a Nintendo Wii Classic Controller Pro last night all in preparation for Xenoblade Chronicles. I swear, if this is some elaborate Aprils fools joke by Nintendo…. Rage… Until the 6th I will be playing several games in an attempt to break Skyrim’s grip on my mind.
M. Rambler: Well, that’s all for this week. You’ll get no more out of us April Fools. Thanks for reading, tune in next week for Donald’s take on Skyrim withdrawal.Tweet