Finishing the Week: Issue 27

Welcome to the latest installment of Finishing the Week. It’s time for the DNF crew — along with a few random special guests — to get together and toss back a few brewskis while cracking wise at the latest and greatest news the video game industry has to offer. Click the links, enjoy the banter, and feel free to talk back in the comments section below.

M. Rambler: Welcome to the Valentine’s Week edition of Finishing the Week! In honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to give a shout-out to all of the things I currently heart: My incredible imaginary Ladyfriend, the new Twisted Metal, the fact that my favorite beer of all time — Bell’s Hopslam Ale — is finally going on sale in my neck of the woods, Donald’s hatred for pants, Bitterly’s Indifferent-ness, and finally, GlowPuff’s CreamPuffs… seriously I think he whips the cream for those things with his favorite RC helicopter’s blades! Donald, is there anything you would love to tell us right now?

D.Conrad: Well Rambler, I am glad you asked that question that I left on the post-it that instructed you to ask. I love my Wife, she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, better than Fallout 3 and Skyrim combined. That’s not just crazy talk, it’s truth talk IN YOUR FACE! Might I add, that is one fine-looking beer website. It made me thirsty. Hang on… *pop*…*drink drink drink* Ahhh! That’s the stuff! Well, it was a big week for me. I had to wear pants. It was shocking!

I played Skyrim…

That’s right, you don’t mess with me. Other than that, some other stuff happened this week. But it’s all hush-hush. Did you get your imaginary Lady anything, Rambler? I saw a Victoria’s Secret bag in your office earlier this week.

M. Rambler: Oh, yeah, the Victoria’s Secret bag… there was nothing in there, I found it in some dumpster and just brought it into the office for you all to see. I have to keep up appearances — the myth of an imaginary Ladyfriend doesn’t perpetuate itself, after all! GlowPuff, are you loving love, or do you love loving?

GlowPuff: I don’t understand what all the hoopla is about. Valentine’s Day? I saved a lot of coin by not having to spend anything on that gimmick of a holiday.  <hrmph>

Anyway, my Pirate’s Plunder game is in the Windows Phone Marketplace, so have at it!

M. Rambler: Seriously, HAVE AT IT!! Or Donald will shoot your orcface straight through with an arrow!

GlowPuff: My new chopper finally arrived from China! Happy happy, joy joy! It’s awesome. Single rotor, fixed pitch, more like a real chopper. After tweaking (and still tweaking), it flies great. It’s a real handful, nothing like the very docile coaxial chopper I’m upgrading from. Pics or it didn’t happen.

I can’t wait to take this thing outside. It’s very zippy! This thing is going to make some great CreamPuffs for everyone. My treat!
Holy COW, my Windows Phone just got hit with a triple update when I plugged it into Zune to sync that photo over! Guess I should plug it in more often. Oh, anyone a fan of the Battlefield games? Battlefield 1942 Theme song – played on floppy drives.

M. Rambler: And since it’s Valentine’s Week and we love Battlefield and fans of Battlefield, here’s Love is a Battlefieldplayed on Pete Rock’s sample machine thingie. I can feel the love, can you, Bitterly? Hey, you can stop feeling the love and get out here now. <crickets> Donald, where’s Bitterly? You didn’t shoot him in the face with an arrow, did you?

Orc: Yeth, you shouldn’t do that, it weawwy huwts!

M. Rambler: Wait… you’re still alive after Donald shot your front teeth through your back neck!?!?

Orc: Yeth, Donald weanimated me.

M. Rambler: So you’re really Reanimated Orc and not just Orc… Okay, well that might have been nice to know before I incorrectly identified you for this piece.

R. Orc: Sowwy. Now could you pwease pull thish awwow out of my sthroat?

M. Rambler: No, I’m worried it might pull out your vocal cords and I wouldn’t be able to hear how funny you sound anymore. Now on with the news!

With a new focus on mobile gaming, shouldn’t they rename themselves iTari?

GlowPuff: Maybe it’s just me, but I like their move. I think it’s a great idea. They are adapting, and doing what they are good at – making software. I totally approve of this.

D.Conrad: I approve also, the world does not have enough pong and asteroid games on the mobile marketplaces! Finally we can get great versions of classic titles with little or no gameplay improvements. I’m not joking. People, stop trying to “cool up” pong. It only works one way.

M. Rambler: Actually, it works two ways… that little pong paddle goes up and down.

R. Orc: So, sthpeaking of mobowl phonesth… does anybosy know a goos sewf-surgerwy app?

Is mobile gaming taking over an entire Civilization?

GlowPuff: I’m going to be a yes-man again and say I agree with this. Games are everywhere. Two weeks ago I went so far as to say I understood the reasoning behind that protest against Half Life. Gaming has reached a point where that kind of thing is “ok”.

D.Conrad: This may sound all wild and crazy, but I think we have reached the point in gaming where remakes of the classics are common place. Like that ancient film industry used to do… before they became too bloated and all their writers flocked to video games.
Yeah, film industry, I went there. Prove me wrong: GAMES RULE!

M. Rambler: Speaking of the film industry and video games… did anyone see this? And will anyone actually go see that once it’s made?

R. Orc: Yeth, I wiw go see it. I’ve biwt up quithe the cowwection of gowd coinsth in a wocked tweashure chesth in hidden in my cave. I’ve got monyey to bewrn.

D. Conrad: So, Reanimated Orc, about that treasure chest of yours… Well, I actually stole everything you owned. That’s why I shot you in the neck in the first place. You were in my way of taking it.

R. Orc: Oh… cwap…

Playstation Vita just wants to be loved

D.Conrad: This just in, Facebook does not have a dislike feature. Social users claim this proves Facebook doesn’t want their image hurt. Why do we sites jump on the new-system-hate  bandwagon so quickly?

M.Rambler: Like us and the 3DS?

D.Conrad: AW CRAP! We suck!

GlowPuff: Er, isn’t that what a review is for? I think a review is the best place to announce your dislike for a game. This smiley face thing is just some kind of social feature. Sure, it helps Sony promote stuff, but it’s not a full-fledged review system, and shouldn’t be interpreted as such. Article Fail.

B. Indifferent: Seriously. He’s upset that the toy he bought won’t let him go online to complain about the toy he just bought. Can’t he find anyplace else on the internet to do that?

D.Conrad: See, I told you I didn’t shoot him in the face!

B. Indifferent: No, I was just starting an online petition to bring Sid Meier’s Pirates to mobile devices.

M. Rambler: I may be a little biased… but so far I think this week’s Finishing the Week is totally : )

R. Orc: Andh I woulsd justh wike evwyone to know thath Donawldh is a big, fath : (

Seriously, please buy a Vita… I promise that everyone still loves us, even the Japanese

D.Conrad: Six months from now, when Call of Duty hits the Vita, you won’t find a story like this. ANYWHERE. Once you can have Call of Duty in your pants on a system with non-“Virtual thumb sticks”, the iPhone will be sad.

M. Rambler: You, fine sir, had me at “Call of Duty in your pants”. That sounds like my kind of party! But what are you going to do when that happens, oh Pantsless One?

D.Conrad: oh : (

B. Indifferent: It’ll be okay. Shirts still have pockets, too! Or you can get one of those lanyards that are so popular at nudist colonies.

GlowPuff: In related news, that unique, Sony promotional toilet seat I had on eBay sold for $1.22. Not happy. I did get a laugh out of finding out the buyer was none other than our master in chief here – Donald! We’re using it in the office toilet now. Just so everyone knows… it’s used. I’m talking Al Bundy used. Just sayin’.

D.Conrad: That seat ROCKS!

R. Orc: Sowwy, but whyen I woke up fwom my weanimation, I stoo hadh the Caww of Doody in my pantss. I didthn’t make it to sthe toiwet.

M. Rambler: Well, that explains a lot… I thought that stench was just regular old orcsmell. Now go clean yourself up.

At what point are backwards flying dragons considered okay? Oh, yeah, when you have a release date to hit!

D.Conrad: Reading this kind of thing hurts. Gamers put trust into companies to deliver a quality product. This is not the automotive industry. When your product fails the player doesn’t die in a horrible, fiery, death. They go online with a video and call you out. But at least you knew it could happen. “Just as long as they don’t play it on PS3!” Am I right?

GlowPuff: I can go both ways on this one. On the one hand, I understand – if you believe their statement – that they knew about the issue but thought it would not manifest itself in such a widespread manner. On the other hand, I can’t believe they’d release the game on PS3 when the issue was quite bad. Dragons flying backwards we can deal with until a post-release patch. But a game breaking slowdown glitch? Bad joojoo.

M. Rambler: Okay, so I have the PS3 version, and I suffered some bouts of severe slowdown and failed to slay a backwards flying dragon that constantly dodged my arrows… and, yes, it sucks that they released the game like that… but quite frankly, we gamer’s have it pretty good now-a-days. I mean, how awesome is it that a game developer can rework some things, make subtle improvements, etc. to the code and release a game patch that can be downloaded to make everything better? Or am I just letting my unfathomable love for this game give my inner rage a hug so it will shut up?

B. Indifferent: I don’t know about that. Having an easy out like being able to fix the game post-release with a patch could encourage sloppy design and terrible production values. What about games that rush something out the door to make money, thinking they’ll patch it later, and then deciding that they should be working on their next title to bring in more cash instead of supporting the sales they’ve already made?

R. Orc: Stho, I wouldh wike to go on weckord to stathe thath I was deawing wif a swowdown gwitcsh when Donawld shoth me in the fathce. Not coowlw dudthe… not coowlw.

God of War guy tells Twisted tales about a story’s importance to gaming

B. Indifferent: 1Up, j’accuse! They’re shamelessly spinning his comments to whip gamers into a frenzy. Basically, he’s railing against FMV cutscenes.

GlowPuff: My “yes-man” hat just got ripped off my scalp, because I don’t agree with this one at all. No, I don’t agree with 20 minute FMV cutscenes before, during, or after gameplay, but a game needs a story. It’s very enjoyable to follow a good story while playing a game. If I didn’t want a story in my entertainment, I’d go see the latest crappy blockbuster movie in the theater. Games are the only place nowadays where we can get a good story. And it’s interactive, on top of that!  WIN WIN.

D.Conrad: Yeah, let’s go back to the NES days. Just frustrating game play, then a screen with “you won…woohoo”! I can see why he wants games with less story. He just released a game with cars shooting cars. I’m guessing that has Street Fighter 2 depth to its narrative.

M. Rambler: For the record, the new Twisted Metal has Street Fighter 2 depth to its story AND its controls! I imagine I wouldn’t stand a chance against a true fighting game savant online… but it sure is fun to spamash the buttons and launch a flurry of missiles, bullets, and assorted body parts at the weaksauce computer opponents in story mode.

R. Orc: I agwee. Stowies in gamesth SUCK! Esspeshawee the stowie in Skywim. If it wewen’t for the cwappy stowie in Skywim, I wouthn’t have thish sthinking awwow in my face wight now.

Latest Metal Gear Rises to the occasion of action, not stealth

GlowPuff: I don’t care what happens here.  Just, please… no 20 minute FMV cutscenes, mkay?  See above.

M. Rambler: C’mon, this is a Metal Gear game you’re talking about here… they shoot for 40 minute FMV cutscenes!

B. Indifferent: 40 minute cutscenes? What, are they slashing their budget in half for this one?

D.Conrad: This game will never come out. You can mark my words on that one. We already have Fruit Ninja, we don’t need this.

R. Orc: Agweed, the wowold needs thisth game wike I need anothew awwow in the thwowat.

M. Rambler: Donald, may I?

D. Conrad: Be my guest.

M. Rambler: <unsheathes enchanted Elven Bow of Flamesmash> THWIP!

R. Orc: Gurgle…. <dead silence>

M. Rambler: Well, that was fun. CLEANUP ON ISLE 5!!

 Seriously, here is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift

D.Conrad: Seriously? We have reached the point where you need a control to use your phone because touch screen controls suck?

M. Rambler: Yes. I wonder how awesome Fruit Ninja would be with that thing… oh, wait, was that sarcasm? Well, I’m not telling, so I guess you’ll never know.

GlowPuff: Very nice, that thing is sweet.  But THIS is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.  This isn’t your normal, everyday bon bon.

M. Rambler: Seriously, how did they not name those things ZomBon Bons? And why am I not in charge of more important things like that in life?

New Releases: Twisted Metal, Rhythm Heaven Fever, A bunch of crap for a sinking ship called the Playstation Vita

M. Rambler: I bought Twisted Metal. It is delicious good fun. I have yet to actually be able to connect to an online multiplayer match though… bigtime : (

B. Indifferent: I’m considering getting a next-gen system, if only so I can play as Steve Jobs in Soul Calibur V.

GlowPuff: Well, I’m already planning my next chopper. Next one will be much bigger – about 20 inches long. Not sure if I should get it now and let it sit while I practice on the new one, or just wait. I need to get this 4 channel control down real good, first. What Would Yanni Do? He’d lift a concert harp above his head. While playing it.

D.Conrad: *Playing Pirate’s Plunder* Yeah? Okay, oh that’s great! She said what? Yeah, pasta is fine.

M. Rambler: Mmmm… pasta… Hey, invisible Ladyfriend… go make me some pasta. I want to lift a heaping plate of it above my head. While eating it! That’s all for now, I guess we’ll see you all next week for some more heavy lifting. Love and kisses to all, and to all a good night.

About Tony Lorenzen

Tony Lorenzen, a.k.a. the Midnite Rambler, may just be a bad enough dude to rescue the president... but he's still no Snake Plissken.