Do Not Watch: Gamer

My brother is a film editor. How do I know this? His IMDB page tells me so. That may not seem terribly relevant, but let me digress. We lived together for a few years. It was a good arrangement. We were both poor and if we combined our money we could afford things like computers, video games, big TV’s, and food.

One of the side effects of living with a video editor is learning about the craft by proxy. If you think that a song stuck in your head is bad, then you have no clue the true horror of what a song can do to your brain. When editing a music video, the editor will replay small two to three second clips while fine tuning the image to match. Down to the frame. This can take hours, hours, and hours. Soon all that our frozen burrito fueled brains could process is the song in two second blips. It’s quite maddening.

(We did watch the entire Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series in two weeks.That RULED!)

Why do I bring up my brother’s craft? I feel after all that I learned watching/listening to him work I can say with (no) great authority; there was no editor on staff for the “movie” Gamer. Seriously DO NOT WATCH THIS PILE!

This is BULL-CRAP!
Gamer stars King Leonidas in a life and death battle against Dexter. They had names in this movie, but as every Greek and Roman Gods as my witness I REFUSE TO COMMIT THEM TO MEMORY! Humans are used as pawns in elaborate..video game things…and um… It makes no sense, seriously! Let me explain why.

Dexter has developed a nano that replaces human brain cells with microprocessors thus turning death row convicts into the most advance Xbox Avatars EVER. Okay I can buy that. They are controlled by annoying seventeen year-olds. Okay, I’m still with you. They watch the battle from a third person over the shoulder point of view, Sometimes they even get to see footage from other points of view. Oddly it’s the same footage you just (DO NOT WATCH) watched twenty seconds prior. Too much work to not recycle footage? I guess. So there are convicts playing Call of Duty Slayer, all they have to do is survive thirty matches and they are given a full pardon. Yes. The Death Row inmates kill in order to earn a pardon. Please re-read the previous sentance now, your brain could not process it correctly the first time.

Second-Second-Life
But there is more. It seems there is a gentler version of Call of Duty Slayers, it’s called Second Life Society. People in need of money can become the avatars and people with money can control them. They do show one of the controllers. He has a fancy for King Leonidas’s wife. He is kind of a human version of Jabba the Hut but in a power scooter and eating pizza dipped in chocolate.

(Oh Hey writers of Gamer, what do you think of MMO players? I did not get the cinder block of subtly that you hurled at my face. On the other hand the COD people are cool, awesome and have twisted dietary needs. Brick two.)

In the year 2000
Oh surprise! Not every thing is hunky doory in 20xx. Things kind of suck! So who will save us besides King Leonidas? That’s right! Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges. He wants Dexter to Stay out his business. He runs the thorn in Dexter side, a group of 1337 hackers. Their mission? To free King Leonidas, so that King Leonidas can kick Dexter down a hole. They are not very good at what they do, but luckily you don’t really care about them.

Get your new Dance shoes on!
There is a dance number in this movie. Yeah! I just said that! It requires repeating. There is a dance number in this movie! What can make a crappy movie suddenly better? A dance number? No! A rewrite. Or in this case, the execution of the original writers. Then we could bury the bodies and all related movie materiel on the sun’s equator.


Redemption?
I was actively looking for a redeeming point in this movie. But much like the gas tank that King Leonidas urinates in, this movie is doing the same to your eyes for the entire length of its running.

I guess I should take a second to talk about the over all plot. Second over.

Even Worse than Matrix 3
Do Not Watch Gamer. Your brain will try to talk you into gouging out your eyeballs if you do!

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd