Do Not Watch: Human Centipede

Once in a generation, a movie comes along that changes the way we watch movies. It makes us laugh, it makes us cry.

Human Centipede is not one of those movies, but it may make you vomit.

This movie is stomach-churning not because it centers around one of the the most sick and twisted concepts ever put on film, but because it was scripted by a blind monkey that was high on peyote — and breathing pure oxygen.

Roger Ebert himself refused to give this movie a rating, saying that “The star rating system is unsuited to this film,” adding that it “occupies a world where the stars don’t shine.”

Just so you know, I’m going to spoil this movie like cream cheese left in a gym locker over summer vacation, because the last thing I want you to do is watch this not-completely-flushed toilet stain of a film. (Although you may want to check it out if you need a case study in ways that you shouldn’t make a horror movie.)

Human Centipede is the story of a lonely doctor who has a love for taking three things and turning them into one.

Why does he like to do this? Well he is German.

Other than that, I have no way to explain it. The script doesn’t lend itself to any sort of backstory, which may be to build some sort of tension and make you think that the writer was deep and thoughtful. It just has me thinking that he couldn’t figure out where his life went wrong.

So, enter two American girls who are traveling across Europe. They decide to go to a nightclub, and get the worst directions in the world from the front desk. Starting from an urban center in Germany, they end up driving through the woods, still in search of the club. (A “horror epic” set in the woods? I haven’t seen something so innovative since every bad student film ever made.)

They get a flat tire, and decide to start wandering around on foot. Why? Because there’s no cell phone reception, and the idea of stumbling through the woods is SO much better than staying in the car and waiting for help.

The girls get  roofied by Dr. German, and the “science” is ON! What is his agenda? The titular Human Centipede. Worst. use. of. science. EVER!

I mean, why? Seriously, WHY? In the end you have three people attached in something you can only describe as “so wrong that only the most hard-core hipsters who want to be edgy can claim to enjoy it.”

Oh, and those weird guys who stare a little too much at truck stops. They might like it too.

I don’t understand why the strung out monkey of a writer thought this was something you could explore in greater detail. Anyone with a basic understanding of nutrition knows that the Human Centipede idea has no hope of working. There is no reason or set of influences on the planet that could create a person committed to making it happen — even the sequel does a terrible job establishing a motivation for its main mutilator.

All of the characters’ actions are baffling. One of the girls makes an escape, and could have grabbed a scalpel and stabbed Dr. Deutsche in the neck. Does she? NO. Apparently, she thinks it’s better to lock yourself in a room and cry it out.

Here is something I know: When your life is threatened by an insane surgeon, you should either 1) run like hell, or 2) get him before he gets you. I’m no expert on German law, but I’m pretty sure that even over there she’d end up with a “get out of jail free” card after killing him, just based on the slide show that illustrated what she was in for.

Later in the movie, the victims have a second chance to stop the doctor. And what do they do while he’s lying unconscious? They don’t kill him.

MEDICAL TORTURE PROTIP: If you’re a victim, and the guy who mutilated you is unconscious, and you have a scalpel handy… KILL HIM! How hard is that? Really? This man’s actions were absolutely inhuman, and there’s no way that taking him out could be considered murder.

Eventually, two inept police officers show up, and they have about as much experience solving crime as I do winning Nobel prizes. They muddle around for a bit and promise to come back. They do, and get killed by a SEVERELY crippled Dr.German. Great work, guys!

And finally, after the doctor is crippled (and not killed), the human centipede has a chance to kill him a third time. So, for reasons I still fail to understand (unless you count “the writer thought it would be an edgy plot twist” — but that still doesn’t explain why the character would decide to do it), the lead member of our medical experiment kills… himself.

WHAT? They had him dead to rights! STAB HIM IN THE EYE! THEN THE OTHER ONE! THEN A FEW MORE TIMES IN ASSORTED BODY PARTS OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING! DON’T KILL YOURSELF!

Okay, I’ve calmed down. Do not watch Human Centipede because you will lose 200 points of IQ power.

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd