Do Not Watch: Croc

I am always amazed at “made for TV” movies. It must be liberating, the way that they don’t have to care about upholding any sort of quality or standards. They know that they suck, yet they blaze forward with reckless abandon! This is also why it’s slightly hard to hate Croc for being such a crock pot of Croc crap.

Croc starts out like most aquatic killer movies (think Jaws). It’s law at this point: if your killer is in the water, then you must copy Jaws as closely as possible to prove that you are way more scary and original than that old movie. So, two fishermen from Thailand are killed by a rubber croc mouth and then we get some stock crocodile footage.

Croc is so ironically stupid that Hipsters might actually like it. It’s also educational! For example, I learned that in Thailand, it’s totally cool to spray-paint a small crocodile with a rainbow of colors if you’re doing it for a movie. Sadly, rainbow colors don’t make a six-foot reptile look twenty feet long, no matter how many on-screen characters claim otherwise. But hey, who doesn’t need a rainbow-colored reptile?

And while we’re on the subject of twenty-foot-long rainbow reptiles, let’s talk about swimming pools. There is a moment were a guy goes for a swim, and he doesn’t notice a twenty-foot crocodile lying on the bottom of his pool. Clear water, rainbow crocodile… COME ON! He dies, but at least it’s educational stupidity. People, always check your pool for easy-to-see crocodiles before you jump in.

Luckily for this “terrorized” town in Thailand, Michael Madsen has come to save them. Tired of being remembered for his role in Kill Bill vols.1 and 2, he plays the role of Croc Hawkins, one of the most forgettable characters in modern movie history. He has a sordid past with our crocodile: it look his leg, so he’s going to take its life. To his credit, Madsen plays the role very well — compared to the rest of the cast.

I’ve skipped talking about the mega hotel/casino trying to put a run-down animal shelter out of business, because honestly, who cares about that? It gets a lot of screen time, but it’s really just there to fill time between poorly visualized Croc attacks (croc the animal, not Croc Hawkins — when Michael Madsen attacks you, it’s all too clear ) Let’s just say that in the end, the evil hotel/casino owner should have paid his pool cleaner a bigger salary.

Moving on to the best of the worst: our crocodile is really bad at killing… main characters. Near the end, he can’t seem to kill anyone who has had any lines of dialogue. Luckily (for you the viewer), the non-Madsen croc dies and the movie ends. The problem with Croc is that there’s not much to talk about; it clocks in at just over an hour that’s mostly filler made out of nothing.

The most important thing to do is not watch this movie. The second most important thing is to always be on the lookout for foam rubber crocodiles.

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd