Do Not Watch: Shark Hunter

Remember the opening moments of Jaws? Where the girl is in the water, breathing rapidly, and everyone watching gets nervous enough to check for sharks in the glass of water they’re holding?

Shark Hunter is nothing like that.

One of the first things you notice about Shark Hunter is that the underwater scenes… have no water. The people in diving suits are just standing on a sound stage, pretending that they’re in the ocean. Some special effects wizard must have pointed out that undersea currents stir up sand and other debris from the ocean floor, so they compensated for that by putting in some particularly clumsy work with a snow machine.

(Warning: This post contains a ton of “quotes”)
The “story” in Shark hunter is as follows: An “underwater” research facility is “attacked” by a Megalodon — which is Latin for “poorly rendered prehistoric shark.” After the “vicious” assault and total destruction of the research facility, the company that was doing something on the “sea floor” calls in one man: Antonio Sabato, Jr., the film’s “hero.” I am also told he is an “actor”.

Antonio has a past with the Megalodon; it killed his parents with bad visual effects. Apparently, Megalodon’s preferred murder weapon is bad visual effects.

“Stuff” happens
Antonio has been living with the psychological scars of unprotected exposure to bad visual effects for his whole life, so he has dedicated himself to the sea. He has also built a super submarine that cannot operate underwater. Its pilot sits in front of a massive window that kept reminding me of the Nostromo’s cockpit from Alien.

(While we are talking about Alien, let’s take a moment to talk about the crew of the Nostromo. They are in Shark Hunter! Not the actual actors, but cheap knock-offs with copy/paste “personalities.” It would be funny if it wasn’t so very, very sad.)

We drift around for a bit (see what I did there?) while Antonio meets this “wacky” crew. After we discover that they are there to capture a shark the size of a city bus while Antonio is trying to kill it, we finally get to the “good” part.

"DVD goes into the player, movie on DVD, Movie can't be unwatched"

To the DEATH fine SIR SHARK!
The details of the battle with the Megalodon are fuzzy. It involves many, many close ups of the “actors,” the “Megalodon,” and the “sub.” It rapidly becomes clear that the shark’s brain is far more evolved than anyone on the crew — or all of them together — by at least a factor of ten. It outsmarts, out-maneuvers, and outwits them at every move in this game of Sub and Shark.

Crew members quickly start dying in predictable ways, although most of the deaths are due to human error; 85% of them are killed by other humans trying to take down the big shark. Truly the most dangerous animal… is man.

We’re gonna need a bigger tranquilizer dart
One of the biggest mistakes the “Awesome Action Sub Crew” makes is to try and knock the shark out. To their credit, they do pump enough morphine into the thing to knock out every elephant on the Savanna — that might give an 80’s rock star a slight buzz, but you need to step your game up when you’re dealing with a shark capable of flossing its teeth with a Mini Cooper.

Ultimately, the shark just keeps going until they decide it has to die. It finally kicks the bucket, but in a very anti-climactic way.

Do Not watch Shark Hunter. If you do, a kitten will lose its soul.

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd