8 hours Later — Pokemon Pearl

I’m not very good at Pokemon. I know you’ve got to catch them all, but do I really have time? No.

So I play Pokemon in a very different style: I tank.

How do you tank in Pokemon? It’s easy; all you need is an electric type and a fire type. You can ignore the rest. Once you get the shared exp. Item, make sure the Pokemon who is not your primary call is holding it. After grinding for a few hours, you will have two unstoppable creatures of mass destruction. You will know if you are Tankemon-ing (not a word…yet) correctly if you use a move, it kills your opponent in one strike, and then the game tells you “it’s not very effective.”

Okay, game. If you say so.

Don’t Gotta Catch ‘em All
Pokemon Pearl tells the story of… whatever name you give your character. In my case, it was Darwin (think about it) and his wild collection of Pokemon. You are sent out to fill your Pokedex with information on all the Pokemon you capture, or something like that. I don’t really care; I have bigger things to do. Like beating Gym leaders in under sixty seconds. (That’s right, I’m like the Nicolas Cage of monster battling.)

After a while you meet Team Galactic, a crime syndicate that has trouble finding their own shadows. I would say that this adds drama to the story, but their battles are as much of a cakewalk as the Gym leaders’. But as much as I don’t care about the story, it doesn’t detract from the fun I have with Pokemon games.

Tankemon fun?
If I don’t care about the story, and I don’t care about collecting the monsters, what am I doing playing my third Pokemon game? I’m glad you asked.

I really like beating the crap out of everyone I come across.

I have grown to hate the people that inhabit the Pokemon universe! ALL of them. They stop me to challenge me, and they lose! Gym masters spew about how powerful they are, and they lose! The bad guys tell me I will fall sniveling before them, and THEY LOSE!

They all lose. They all fall at my feet, destroyed by my two endlessly powerful Pokemon. By the last moments in the game, I have crushed all the hapless citizens on the continent of Sinnoh. They speak of me in hushed tones and hide behind their hands, sobbing next to the mangled bodies of their precious Pokemon. I am the Pokemon destroyer. Darwin, Reaper and Glaive.

The triangle of doom.

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd