Do Not Watch: Resident Evil Afterlife

If there were a way to type out a long pause I would do that right now, just so you would know how much effort it takes me to talk about this joke of a movie.

Resident Evil: Afterlife has no script. It did not even try to pull a story together, and that is sad. At the end of Resident Evil: Apocalypse, I had hope that the series was headed in the right direction. As a big fan of the games, I subject myself to these films out of morbid curiosity. But this time they have gone too far. I don’t blame the team that created this -thing- I blame James Cameron.

Yep, the Avatar guy. Better yet, I blame Avatar. After it came out, everyone thought, “3D is the future!” Well, as someone who has been living in 3D for over thirty-two years, it’s nothing new. Just about every shot, visual effect and dramatic pose was designed around the fact that they were shooting in 3D.

Here is the problem: I watched it in the second dimension, where all the stuff created for 3D becomes magically stupid-looking.

A gimmick is not a replacement for great storytelling. In one grievous moment, they shot a dramatic silhouette of a sub-character — the best character in the movie, BTW — from the end of a long tunnel, and over his head flew a fleet of Osprey military craft. I am sure this looked cool in 3D. But in 2D, it just looked like it would have been neat to see in 3D.

This becomes a problem throughout. You start wondering what the overly obvious set-up would look like in 3D, all while something is happening in the storyline. They are all trying to get to safety or something? I actually subjected myself to the movie twice, because I was so distracted the first time that I thought I needed to watch it for its “story.” So here it is:

Alice poses cool for 3D. Suddenly, she must throw something at the 3D! The bad guys dive into the 3D to escape the explosion that throws debris into the 3D. Alice must then fall from a high distance into the 3D while matrix-style bullets are flying through the 3D at her.

Okay! you get the 3D… idea. There is no substance to the plot; it’s more of a showcase for what you can do with 3D.

I don’t want to go off on a 3D tangent. NO! I DO!

Stop it! Just STOP IT!

3D should be an afterthought, Hollywood. Go ahead and shoot your movie in 3D, but pretend the cameras are just run-of-the-mill 2D ones. Focus on the story.

I’m tired of 3D — I saw THOR in 2D just to spite 3D. So you can take that 3D, and your ticket prices that required me to take out a second mortgage  on my home, and you…

Okay, let’s all calm down and get back to what we were talking about. How 3D this movie was. Because that is all it is, just a showcase of 3D moments resembling a carnival haunted house more than a movie. It’s sad really. I thought the series was on track.

Stupid Avatar.

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd