Do Not Watch: Gamebox 1.0

I would like to imagine that if I woke up in an empty room with a TV directly in front of me, the puppet from SAW would flash onto the screen, and not Gamebox 1.0. If it’s the puppet telling you it has a game that it wants to play, you would have the opportunity to fail the challenge and be horribly killed.

I have a feeling that the writers of this gem once saw a game sitting on a shelf at Wal-Mart. That is about as close of a connection they have to the gaming world. Sure they might have googled the names of a few games (one game, actually) and found a few posters for Brute Force. Said poster was used in several sets throughout the “movie”. It had a slightly interesting start. I did not know it at the time, but the teenager dying of an epileptic seizure due to the fact he had played Gamebox 1.0, was much the same way I felt after watching Gamebox 1.0! But to be fair to the project, everyone is trying really hard to act.

The “movie” takes place in five locations: the real world, Grand Theft Auto, Left 4 Dead, no way to define the forth location, and a virtual recreation of the real world. I know, that last one was probably a killer to think up. The movie focuses on a guy whose name I refused to commit to memory. He had a girlfriend who was shot by a cop. It traumatized this guy, so he is trying to act disconnected from life. Best I can tell, he was just really constipated.

A freaky mail truck drops off Gamebox 1.0. Why was it freaky? Well, the driver was tied to the steering wheel. This was never explained. They also did not explain how a mailman tied to his steering wheel got out to deliver the package to the mail box. But then again, the movie is really bad so who cares?

Soon our guy who is supposed to be the hero is trapped in the crazy world of Gamebox 1.0. And it’s a messy world. The first thing you will notice is that the visual effects are about as impressive as getting kicked in the face by a horse. You do not enjoy the experience. I can’t be sure, but I have to assume that someone found a copy of Microsoft Paintbrush on their hard drive and decided to call themselves a special effects studio. The producers of Gamebox 1.0 believed them, and your eyes pay the price for that dirty lie.

The Grand Theft Auto world looks bad. I’m sure that someone writing the script decided to watch a gameplay clip on YouTube. No need to play the game, steal a car, drive, get a mission, drive, get in a shootout, experience a plot twist, have another shootout, and escape. Our emotional kiddy pool of a main character can summon weapons by holding up his hand and telling Gamebox 1.0 what he wants. “Mac 10,” he says and BAM! someone ran onto the set and handed him the gun. Then, through tricky editing, the gun appears, and he is in a totally different position. Yes, they did not even try! This is disjointing to watch, a little painful too.

So, captain summoner has to go on a quest to save a girl, who looks like his dead girlfriend, from an evil samurai/mob boss with mystic powers. It just so happens the villain looks just like the guy who shot his girlfriend. I started to understand the killer’s point of view by the end of the “movie”. I too wanted to shoot the main “Actor” and “Actress”.

As I mentioned, they travel to Left 4 Dead. Zombies equal guys in black track suits with ski masks on. Yep. Ski masks. But don’t worry, they added a visual effect that makes them blink in and out of existence as they move. It’s kind of refreshing to see a movie that ignores all the set norms in the modern zombie genre and forge their own misguided path. Later, the zombies are recycled into aliens. I can’t tell you about the visual effects added to them. It’s so dumb that the English language has not come up for a word to describe it.

Keep in mind, this entire time, all the sets are post production. But, not like in 300 where it looked like solid ground. No, these backgrounds don’t even stay still. They are in a constant state
of jittering. Like someone could not be bothered to make certain that the background matched the camera movements. Luckily, the ending was drawing close. With a little luck the “guy”
would die a horrific death. I’m not going to tell you how it ends, but I will tell you that there is more cheese on it than a Chicago-style pizza.

The worst part about Gamebox 1.0, besides everything, is that it shows no respect to the audience it is targeting. I am only assuming that they are targeting gamers, but I may be wrong. They may be targeting people who hate games and want to point at their TV and say “See! See, games suck you into a virtual world where you can die for real!” Then, those people end up being elected to Congress.

Gamebox 1.0 is not a good movie in any way, shape, or form. I enjoy bad movies very much, but this, this is not a movie; this is pain. So, if you dare, slip into the hellish nightmare that is Gamebox 1.0. It truly is a forgettable journey.

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd