Do Not Watch: Eyeborgs

I have spent the last few hours poring over the user agreement on the Netflix
website, because I’m sure that Eyeborgs breached it somehow.

Eyeborgs is one hundred and eight minutes of pure crap. No, that’s an insult to crap — Eyeborgs is the crap crapped by Crap.

The premise of the story is that the United States is struck by a terrorist attack so horrible that the government sets up an advanced network of cameras with legs. Leave it to the government to think up something that stupid!

So, Agent Gunner (not kidding) is a hard-boiled Department of Homeland Security agent. He has a dark and edgy past involving one flashback that is more about a security camera than about the murder of his wife and kidnapping of his son. Let’s face it, the cameras are the star of this jewel.

The government’s new walking cameras are (surprise!) homicidal. What’s important to remember is that the creators of Eyeborgs really enjoyed the Terminator films — enjoyed them so much that they borrow Skynet. But that would be blatant theft, so they call it Odin.

The major underlying theme of Eyeborgs is “Can you trust what you see on the video?” Strangely, that theme carries over to you, the viewer: can you believe you are watching something as bad as Eyeborgs? I couldn’t.

It would be a mistake for me to go on telling you about Eyeborgs. Why? Because the final showdown between Humans and Robots is so poorly done that it is beyond description. The DHS agents can’t hit the broad side of a barn, and the robots can’t hit the other side of that same barn.

But I must give credit where credit is due. The movie has special effects.

All in all, Eyeborgs should be held up as a special kind of stupid. A stupid that transcends all bad movies I have ever seen in my life. I wish there was a new word for its special, concentrated stupidity extract. We should make Eyeborgs be that word.

“Dude, Jim jumped into the quarry, shattered every bone in his body, and died!”

“Man! What? Jim was always so Eyeborgs.”

It works. The saddest part of Eyeborgs — beyond how Eyeborgs it is — is that someone out there is proud of it. They wrote, directed, edited and produced it.

That’s like punching an orphan in the face four times. It’s not cool.

Eyeborgs…. Eyeborgs… EYEBORGS!!!

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd