Do Not Watch: 2010: Moby Dick

I am assuming that in life, a lot of ideas that seem good in your head are not very good in reality. Like the forty-four-year-old man living in his mother’s basement, carving “friends” out of bars of soap while wearing a Jason Voorhees mask. Sure, he is happy with his life choices (doubtful), but what about people looking from the outside in?

This is where we find 2010: Moby Dick, not to be confused with 1851: Moby Dick. If you are familiar with Herman Melville’s classic tale of one man’s crusade to get his leg back from a whale, then you are familiar with the basis of this series of images on film (I fear to use the word “movie” here, as it would be a grave insult even to terrible movies such as Ishtar and Battlefield Earth).

Everything that caused 1851: Moby Dick to become a literary classic has been removed. The complex emotional journey of Captain Ahab as he hunts Moby Dick has become a string of lifeless quotations from the source material. You never feel as if 2010’s Captain Ahab is really invested in finding Moby Dick. How desperate for money would you have to be to hurt your career like this?

One of the single most disturbing things about 2010: Moby Dick (besides the stupid title) is the quality of the visual effects. (And by “quality” I mean “absence.”) Moby Dick looks like someone described a whale to the artist, the artist couldn’t figure out how to use Google Images, and just went for it anyway. The only way it could have looked worse is if the whale had been wearing a top hat and monocle.

Scratch that. That would have been AWESOME!

But, for as bad as the visual effects are, the acting is far worse — a good ninety percent of it is far worse than anything you have seen on YouTube. At times I was sure that the actors themselves knew this was a joke, and despite their best efforts, they were having trouble keeping a straight face. When seeing how 2010: Captain Ahab butchered the source material, I felt Herman Melville’s eternal soul dying, horrifically.

Through a series of seemingly unconnected events 2010: Captain Ahab catches up with 2010: Moby Dick. The battle to the end is nowhere near climactic, and more in the category of “happens right before the credits.”

I’d put a spoiler alert here if I wasn’t actively trying to stop you from watching this movie, but 2010: Moby Dick has the ability to swim on land. No! I am serious. It seems that no one involved with the screenplay understands physics — something that large couldn’t travel half a foot out of water without being crushed by its own mass.

I am convinced (through and through) that 2010: Moby Dick can be considered a war crime. If you want to see a movie about a killer whale, for the love of all that is holy, rent 1993:Free Willy!

About Donald Conrad

Donald Conrad is an avid father and a dedicated gamer -- or maybe that's the other way around. He loves his games, and he loves his family, and he's pretty sure he loves sleep, even if he doesn't remember what it was like. Follow his life confusion on Twitter @ConManEd